midtown mayhem

barefoot and hilarious

2010-07-18T17:44:00.003-04:00

unless you've been living under an oil slick, you've heard about the controversy my friend irin over at jezebel has caused by alleging sexism at the daily show. irin argued that women are woefully underrepresented among the daily show's prominent faces - until olivia munn was added to the roster earlier this year, samantha bee was the only female correspondent the show had - and that TDS had an obligation to be a bit more equality-minded. since then, the ladies of the daily show have responded (a bit too defensively, in my opinion) to jezebel's claims, and everbody and their feminist mother has weighed in on the topic. well, here's my two cents.

the daily show is one of my favorite things on television. i dvr it every single day that it's on and watch it religiously - even the parts where jon talks to boring guests about their boring books. i recently waited in line in sweltering heat to be part of the show's studio audience. i love jon stewart, i love the writing, and i think the daily show has done tremendous things for television, for liberals, and for america.

so, is there a problem?

of course there is. there's a huge problem. but it's not jon stewart's or the daily show's fault. i am certain that TDS and jon are concerned first and foremost with the quality of the show, and they hire the best writing and television talent they can find, period. so why the enormous gender differential? because: women just aren't as funny as men.

WAIT! before you chew my face off, let me explain what i mean, and more importantly, what i don't mean.

it's not that women can't be just as funny as men, or that i buy into some bullshit biological explanation for why men are just destined to be funnier. and as much as i love christopher hitchens (we agree on so many things: drinking is enjoyable, organized religion is scary, etc.), no one wanted to punch him in the face more than i did when he proclaimed in vanity fair that women simply cannot be funny - unless, he conceded, they are "hefty or dykey or jewish".

no, i'm not taking the hitchens angle at all. rather, i mean to point out that we live in a world where women are told from the moment we are born that we cannot and should not be funny. it is simply unladylike. i (and i think it's fair to assume many others have shared my experience) grew up reading in magazines, "how to be a great flirt: laugh at all his jokes! never make your own!" and on and on. if you try to be funny, you'll fail. and, worse than that, boys won't like you. so just flip your hair and giggle, and then shut the hell up.

fortunately for me, i can be very dense when it comes to cultural messages. i never really registered the one about women and humor, and unfortunately for society at large, i think i ended up frickin' hilarious. (other messages i missed: play hard to get, don't drink beer, never let a boy see you poop... but this may be a post for another time.) but so many of us actually heed what we are told, and we shut up and smile and never learn to deliver a punchline. so we end up with funny television shows that are written and performed largely by men: jon stewart, stephen colbert, steve carell, jerry seinfeld, larry david, the south park guys, etc, etc.

i don't mean to denigrate the work of these fine men. they have all cracked me up pretty seriously many times. but it is troubling that this list remains such a boys' club. so what can we do about this? stop crying. stop pointing fingers. stop bitching. when women whine that life is unfair, it does nothing to improve the public understanding of who we are and what we are capable of. instead, let's change the way we talk about boys and girls, and stop instructing little girls to aspire to be little ladies. let's allow girls to be chatterboxes, to crack wise, and to poop in front of their boyfriends. as a the great philosopher whitney houston once said, i believe the children are our future. teach them well and let them lead the way. show them all the beauty they possess inside. give them a sense of pride.

and cut the daily show some slack. they've done so much for us regular people.

p.s. i couldn't post this without also sharing one of my favorite songs, by dar williams, whom i have mentioned on the blog before. if you're into that kind of thing, enjoy when i was a boy.

p.p.s. i know this is a longshot, but john oliver, CALL ME!

Are You Ready to Write a Screenplay?

2010-03-04T14:19:00.000-05:00

national screenwriting month is upon us (almost), and i'm thinking about taking a crack at it. i took a screenwriting class in college, and it was some of the most fun i've ever had. the april challenge involves trying to crank out a 100-page screenplay over the month of april, which, writing-wise, isn't so hard. i suppose the real challenge lies in the brainstorming and research aspects of writing.

i've signed up on script frenzy with the user name pajamest. if you're interested in taking the challenge, sign up and be my writing buddy! (that's a thing on the site, i think. i'm new.)

"jeff, you slender fuck!"

2010-02-18T13:48:00.000-05:00

jeff garlin is slimming down, and he says he'll still be funny even when he's no longer fat. i believe him. he's a great comedian, and he and larry are hysterical together on curb.

but the most pressing question here is, will a slimmed-down jeff garlin be... sexy?! i never would have thought so, but if you take a peek at the new york times' photos... there's a whisper of hotness creeping in.

my favorite thing today

2010-02-09T10:55:00.000-05:00

just call me "da Gonorrhea BREAKER".

h/t slog.

Area Man Proves His Commitment to Current Girlfriend by Unfriending His Ex-Girlfriend on Facebook

2009-12-21T18:00:00.002-05:00

mmmmmmmmmmmmmm...........

2009-12-04T15:11:00.000-05:00

"...and minorities!"

2009-12-01T15:18:00.002-05:00

photo reference fail

2009-11-25T09:25:00.001-05:00

link dump

2009-11-06T17:26:00.000-05:00

because there's not much i can add to

agricultural bitch fight!

2009-11-03T10:15:00.000-05:00

are you following this? you should be. you could argue that it started with michael pollan writing the omnivore's dilemma - but really, this round began with nicolette niman's piece in friday's new york times, "the carnivore's dilemma".

basically, nicolette was all, "don't stop eating meat. just eat my meat."
and then helene york was like, "bitch be trippin'."
and then nicolette was all, "oh no you di-int!"
and it's really getting pretty good.

what i learned today

2009-10-27T23:20:00.001-04:00

"lightly floured" does not mean what i thought it did.

on a related note, to my coworkers, i apologize in advance for the horrendous "cookies" i'm bringing to the office party tomorrow.

erin go bragh!!

2009-09-25T13:18:00.000-04:00

my new neighborhood is very irish. (and korean. and turkish. and greek. and jewish.) and probably my second-favorite result of this (my first-favorite is, of course, the abundance of irish pubs on EVERY SINGLE BLOCK within a 2-mile radius) is the upscale irish grocery down the street from me. it is a wondrous place, where i've found such treasures as walker's roast chicken flavored potato chips, those weird european sodas that come in the tall skinny bottles, and all manner of imported cadbury's products. but i nearly dropped my tin of batchelor's beans when i saw this:

yes, you read that correctly. irish. breakfast.
no wonder they were always after that dude's lucky charms.

having a superpower is swell

2009-09-25T13:00:00.000-04:00

...but when your superpower is charming the sushi guy into giving you extra sushi, and then the sushi looks like this:

well, let's just say that horrendous, disgusting sushi is my kryptonite.

note to farecast

2009-09-25T11:34:00.000-04:00

philadelphia is not a "nearby airport" to new york. you fucking asstards.

Study: Taller people 'happier' - Oddities News - redOrbit

2009-09-10T17:18:00.000-04:00

sounds like being tall with fat thighs is a great place to be! suddenly my day is looking up. thanks, Science!

i knew there was a reason...

2009-09-08T10:02:00.001-04:00

...i am so much healthier than all y'all skinny bitches.

reason #4493 why the bus sucks

2009-09-03T18:48:00.004-04:00

people talking loudly on their cell phones with no awareness that this is annoying to the people around them (note: whether they are unaware or just don't care is irrelevant; i prefer to give assholes the benefit of the doubt). i present to you exhibit A, the dumb bitch chatting away behind me at maximal outside-voice volume:

"that's a great point! i've never heard of another puppet - besides the Muppets - called Muppets. i don't know; it's a great question. that is very... philosophical."

perhaps it's worth mentioning here that reason #4494 is that people don't know what the word "philosophical" means. or "muppet".

recipe for a delicious breakfast

2009-09-03T09:22:00.003-04:00

what's that? you want to try the fabulous breakfast that i had this morning? no problem; i'm never shy about sharing recipes:

Ingredients:
one egg
1 t butter
one slice of wheat bread
one slice bright orange american "cheese"
hot sauce (optional)
Directions:

melt butter in pan. place cheese on bread and put in toaster oven to toast. while toast is toasting, crack egg in pan and fry, sunny side up. remove bread (with layer of semi-melted cheese) from toaster oven. place egg, yolk side down, on top. sprinkle with hot sauce to taste. eat a couple of bites. smash plate and contents (including sticky egg yolk) on floor of your new kitchen. look down and observe blood streaming down your leg. screech in frustration. cry.

bon appétit!

why i love dan savage, part MCLXVIII

2009-09-02T16:10:00.000-04:00

he only ever prints messages from the haters, never from those of us who adore him. nonetheless, i give you what might be his finest work to date:

From: pz99999@XXXXXX.XXX
To: Dan Savage
Sent: Tue, Sep 1, 2009 7:38 PM
Subject: you are the savage love guy, small world

Dan,

There is a local paper in St. Louis, MO called the River Front Times. I use it to start my bar-b-que coals. And I sometimes read a section called the Savage love just to see what new levels of depravity you will stoop to. I was watching MSNBC fascist propaganda this evening and I saw you on there with Olberman that nasty little man.

I got news for you, you can believe your own baloney but people are pissed off at the democrats and also the republicans. Your an idiot, if you can't fuck it you are not interested so I won't try and explain how Obama is a continuation of the progressive fascist movement of the early 20th century. Yes fascist you retard, fascism is a product of the left not the right. Nazis were what, "National SOCIALISTS" You dummies are talking about the protesters because you are afraid of them and rightly so. They are going to throw this government out of office one way or another. You don't understand people that will die for their principles because you hold nothing sacred. There a a lot of us that are not religious but we respect those nice people that you scorn. I wouldn't give a squirt of Olberman's leaking piss for anything thing you say or write. You are a nasty little man, a pathetic loser that makes his living talking about pac king fudge. Your disgusting.

From: Dan Savage
To: pz99999@XXXXXX.XXX
Sent: Tue, Sep 1, 2009 7:41 PM
Subject: Re: you are the savage love guy, small world

"you're disgusting."

dan

From: pz99999@XXXXXX.XXX
To: Dan Savage
Sent: September 2, 2009 4:25 AM
Subject: Re: you are the savage love guy, small world

that is a ironic coming from you! I don't fault you for being different but you are bitter like an old woman. You attack everything good and descent because it damns you. You are a pustule of the first order. Keep spouting your crap because you are lighting a nation on fire that will take it back from you nasty little fascists.

From: Dan Savage
To: pz99999@XXXXXX.XXX
Sent: Wed, Sep 2, 2009 9:30 AM
Subject: Re: you are the savage love guy, small world

"decent."

dan

From: pz99999@XXXXXX.XXX
To: Dan Savage
Sent: September 2, 2009 9:54 AM
Subject: Re: you are the savage love guy, small world

well you got the picture.

From: Dan Savage
To: pz99999@XXXXXX.XXX
Sent: Wed, Sep 2, 2009 10:10 AM
Subject: Re: you are the savage love guy, small world

"well, you got the picture."

unless you're trying to sound like Yoda: "Well you got the picture, young Skywalker."

dan

From: pz99999@XXXXXX.XXX
To: Dan Savage
Sent: September 2, 2009 10:18 AM
Subject: Re: you are the savage love guy, small world

your wonderful. the earth revolves around you. you make me wet.

From: Dan Savage
To: pz99999@XXXXXX.XXX
Sent: September 2, 2009 10:24 AM
Subject: Re: you are the savage love guy, small world

"you're wonderful."

xo
dan

today's AAAAAAUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!

2009-07-23T11:00:00.001-04:00

more mysterious facebook ads

2009-07-22T17:47:00.001-04:00

seriously, mark zuckerberg? jew from brooklyn --> avid hunter?

today's AAAAAAUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!

2009-07-15T16:05:00.001-04:00

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2009-07-14T10:34:00.002-04:00

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this just in

2009-07-02T09:17:00.002-04:00

it's now legal to be gay in india. hooray!

oh please oh please oh please let this be true

2009-06-29T14:14:00.000-04:00

John Edwards’ sex tape rumor - THE WEEK

today in unfortunate arbitrary name selections

2009-06-29T10:23:00.002-04:00

i've been getting a lot of wedding- and bachelorette-related facebook ads lately, and i sometimes find myself clicking through the cheesy schlock they're pushing. i think the "mrs. so-and-so" shirts might be kind of funny when worn ironically, but i'm still on the fence about that. anyway, this caught my eye:do you think tlc is getting a cut of the profits? or is this just the product of a wishful fan with a bedazzler?

(note: i'm not even going to discuss the fact that it's called a "burnout tunic", as i think that fact speaks for itself.)

question of the day

2009-06-26T16:02:00.002-04:00

what's better: isolated thunderstorms, or scattered thunderstorms? as the kids say: FML.

2009-06-26T09:16:00.004-04:00

so, michael jackson is dead and it's all anyone can talk about. sad as i am to see such a legend leave us, i would like to point out that the world has not stopped turning, and lots of other conversation-worthy things are still happening. to wit:

there's some kind of revolution going on in iran.

a republican sex scandal.

oh no, wait, another republican sex scandal.

the supreme court gets all uptight and says you can't strip-search children no matter how much advil you think they have

my cat pooped on the floor. again.

if the fedex website is to be trusted, MY IPHONE IS ON THE WAY! MY IPHONE IS ON THE WAY!

farrah fawcett also died.

OMG - domna is retiring!!!

a step in the right direction

in conclusion, MJ, the world will miss you, but we won't run out of things to talk about without you around - acting crazy, molesting little boys, and trying to make us forget about when you were great. rest in peace.

chatting with my sister

2009-05-18T16:44:00.003-04:00

(as one does):

Elizabeth: mom just told me something funny
she said that when she was looking for furniture for florida
she wanted to get it from hooker furniture
so she googled hooker

auto-tune the news

2009-05-17T11:58:00.003-04:00

if you haven't seen this, you are either old or amish, but in the interest of completeness, i bring you auto-tune the news:
i disagree with freewilliamsburg and do not think this is the best of the bunch, but it's not bad. stick with it at least through 2:00, when hillary comes in. is there anything that woman can't do? i mean, besides win a democratic primary.

the other sexy george

2009-05-14T14:01:00.002-04:00

and lots of other cute, quirky and clever images over at "inspire me, now!" worth checking out.

deep in the magic underwear of new hampshire

2009-05-14T11:04:00.004-04:00

becca and i are planning a party in honor of our 13-year anniversary/the bat mitzvah of our bat mitzvah. it's a strictly A-list event, as you can imagine, so don't take it too personally if you don't get the invite. it just means you're not awesome enough to party with us.

anyhoodle, we are in the early stages of designing and drafting the aforementioned invite, and i wanted to include some of the lyrics from our (very jewish) camp song.

deep in the hills of new hampshire, under a cloudy sky
stands our camp young judaea, whose spirit will never die
she tries to instill in us the spirit of pioneers
which symbolizes the hope of the future years*

(lots of lines i can't remember)

we treasure the friendships we've made here, we're true to the blue and white
deep in the hills of new hampshire, the lamp of the future burns bright

* no, it's not just you. this makes no sense.

knowing it was a longshot, i typed one line of the lyrics that i remembered into Google, and got one hit: the mormon church.

(i cannot emphasize this enough: i am NOT kidding.)

what do these things have in common?

2009-05-14T10:53:00.000-04:00

"hermione fuck"
"WHAT IS GETTING PORKED"
"hairy hunk blogspot.com"

(answer will be revealed later this week)

UPDATE: the answer! all of the above are search terms that have led interwebs-savvy computer users to my humble blog. new additions are "getting porked" (x2!), "detox fail", and "Bible Affirmation Alarm Clock".

eye candy

2009-05-14T10:26:00.001-04:00

because it is, again, just one of those days. you're welcome:

twitter? i hardly knew her.

2009-05-13T12:35:00.002-04:00

yes, i recognize the silly redundancy of blogging about news stories that are about twitter. that said, there is a lot of interesting/ridiculous shit going on in the twitterverse that you should know about. particularly entertaining is watching old people - the news media, politicians, my friend jared - try to "get" what it's all about and understand the (extraordinarily simple) nuts and bolts of how twitter actually works. of interest:

why jared doesn't twitter

utah attorney general tries to send a text message, sends his secret plans to twitter instead

kanye west flips his caps-locked shit because someone created a fake account in his name

scratch that -

2009-05-08T16:22:00.001-04:00

this one is better:

i love this ad

2009-05-08T15:39:00.003-04:00

but i can't say i understand it. first of all, what about my facebook account causes content-sensitive advertising to point to anger management? is it because i took the "which celebrity should you marry" quiz? actually, it might be that - or, the result that i should marry johnny depp.

but seriously - who is this woman supposed to be? is she the recovered rage-a-holic? or is she the loved one that i'm hurting? if so, why doesn't she have visible bruises?

there's a first time for everything

2009-04-24T16:35:00.001-04:00

i'm... jealous of hilary duff?

seriously. i want chevy chase to hug me like this:

can someone please explain this ad to me?

2009-04-03T11:00:00.003-04:00

i just... don't understand.

the road to a professional degree is... yoga? seriously. i'm baffled.

[from nytimes.com]

today in "things my boyfriend called out when mostly asleep this morning"

2009-03-30T14:21:00.002-04:00

"i don't want a duck!"

a text message i actually had to send

2009-03-27T12:42:00.001-04:00

that i am going senile is no longer up for debate:

me: i need you to do me a favor when you get home - look in the oven. if there is a sweet potato in there, let me know. don't ask.

Maria Shriver plans vegetable garden at Capitol Park

2009-03-26T11:31:00.001-04:00

i can't even describe how excited i am about this trend. i think this must be what a boner feels like.

'Violent sex' ad led to murder of WABC newsman George Weber, confesses teen: Cops

2009-03-25T12:25:00.000-04:00

not to be crass, but does this mean there's a 1-bedroom available in carroll gardens?

does it have a view?

Son of Sylvia Plath Commits Suicide - NYTimes.com

2009-03-23T12:25:00.000-04:00

...probably could have called that one.

today in "things my boyfriend called out when mostly asleep this morning"

2009-03-20T07:13:00.000-04:00

"New York Times!"

today in "things my boyfriend called out when mostly asleep this morning"*

2009-03-19T10:55:00.002-04:00

"Babylon Five!"

[*ed. note: while this category could sustain a blog all on its own, i think i will instead make it a semi-regular feature here. i expect great things.]

just in case

2009-03-18T20:43:00.002-04:00

the world needs another reason to fall in love with paul "fart sounds" rudd (and whoever that other guy is):

i think this was my ex-boyfriend's theory too.

2009-03-18T12:57:00.003-04:00

getting stuffed, or getting porked

2009-03-18T11:53:00.003-04:00

am i a total perv, or is there something vaguely dirty about the way mark bittman fingers this pork roast? (the good stuff starts around 1:06)

i'm not gonna lie, i'd probably at least taste this.

2009-03-13T10:22:00.000-04:00

George Clooney: The Other White Meat(like Product) - E! Online

they're grrrrrrrrr...

2009-03-13T09:33:00.002-04:00

goddammit. i was all, "i'd boycott kellogg's, but i never buy cereal anyway," and then i remembered that KELLOGG'S OWNS EVERYTHING. motherfucker.

the only cereal i ever buy is kashi. who owns kashi? tony the fucking tiger.

i think seth said it best:

2009-03-12T18:50:00.002-04:00

if by "these money mistakes", you mean sprinkling my checkbook with sulfuric acid, then no, i assure you, i am not.

2009-03-11T11:51:00.003-04:00

oh, williamsburg...

2009-03-11T09:14:00.001-04:00

Hairy Situation

Brooklyn, home of the ironic beard, hosts the 2009 Beard and Moustache Championships at Public Assembly on Saturday complete with prizes, a
ZZ Top cover band and more beard-related revelry.

ad placement fail

2009-03-10T11:58:00.002-04:00

detox FAIL

2009-03-10T10:06:00.003-04:00

oy.

after a long day, i decided to reward myself with a dirty martini or two. after i poured the second one, there was only a tiny little swish of vodka left in the bottle, so i made it a slightly larger-than-usual one. really, it was probably more like two and a half dirty martinii.

i won't even discuss the weird sludge that i noticed in the glass when i was starting the second one (is it possible for a dirty martini to curdle?).

as a coworker reminded me this morning (when i was complaining. bitterly.), i did not really drink any water all day yesterday, which probably contributed to the state i currently find myself in.

i knew i was hung over when i heard myself think, "that looks really good".

and now, semi-relatedly, one of my favorite videos from failblog (you don't need sound to appreciate it):

one-stop shop?

2009-02-19T17:12:00.004-05:00

i've never heard of urban trend before, but they seem to have some fun stuff. the one that caught my eye most was this - the "bible affirmation alarm clock", complete with gigantic light-up cross!

*brought to you by the same pious people who brought you russian roulette beer bong.

today in facial recognition

2009-02-05T13:44:00.002-05:00

this is just the saddest story. how bad the economy has gotten: terrance brennan has apparently fallen upon harder times than new york magazine would have you believe.

(confidential to tsg: i think the tattoo is fake.)

2009-01-22T14:28:00.001-05:00

i suppose it's an occupational hazard, when you're a bathroom, that you frequently smell like shit.

yes, it's come to this

2009-01-13T15:01:00.003-05:00

things i've eaten today:
- an egg
- three cups of coffee (real sugar! whole milk! that's the REAL FOOD REVOLUTION, BABY!)
- cheddar goldfish crackers
- baby carrots
- kirby cucumber
- grape tomatoes
- avocado
(all properly seasoned, of course)
- roasted asparagus
- cherries

things i'm currently fantasizing about eating:
- tequila shrimp with tons of garlic and lime
- a hunk of manchego
- gummy bears
- green & black's maya gold chocolate
- marinated white anchovies
- whole foods olive bar's herbed bocconcini
- salmon sashimi from kanoyama
- olive pizza from grimaldi's
- a root beer float

i suppose it's a good thing there doesn't seem to be a vending machine on this floor.

hell train?

2009-01-13T10:46:00.004-05:00

it is my second day at my new job - and my second day taking the L train into manhattan at rush hour since i moved to brooklyn - and i've noticed a pattern. between bedford avenue and 1st avenue (that is, under the east river), the train stops. it sits, silently, in the tunnel for several minutes. then, it crawls a few feet forward and stops again. then, the L train lady voice comes on over the PA and says something like, "this train is delayed due to train traffic ahead of it". this process is repeated several times before the train eventually arrives at the first avenue stop, and several more times between first and third avenues, and maybe once or twice between third and union square.

that is the ballad of how a 20-minute commute takes me an hour.

i'm starting to remember why i used to be such a manhattan snob.

(note: i found that accurate picture by googling "l train" and came upon a blogger who understands my grief - check out williamsburg is dead when you hit your 3:00 slack sesh.)

eye candy

2008-07-27T20:36:00.000-04:00

because it's one of those days. enjoy.

best of craigslist

2008-07-13T17:29:00.001-04:00

"note: photos may not be of the actual apartment for rent, but they are of an apartment."

guidelines for cruising craigslist for apartments in new york

2008-07-09T08:09:00.003-04:00

every time i look for an apartment, it seems like CL is more and more clogged with shit apartments, scams, and price gougers. for any and all of you wide-eyed new grads moving to the big city, beware. some of these apply to apartment-hunting in general, some are city-specific:

1. if it looks too good to be true, it is.
2. if it seems too cheap, it is.
3. if it seems too expensive, it is.
4. it is too expensive.
5. if it says "fort greene" or "clinton hill", it's in bed-stuy.
6. if it says "prospect heights", it's in crown heights.
7. if it says "park slope", it's probably in sunset park.
8. if it says "upper west side", it's in harlem.
9. if it says "upper east side", it's probably in spanish harlem.
10. if it says "prime", it's not.
11. if it says "cozy", it's a closet, and not even a walk-in one.
12. if it claims that the bedroom "holds a queen-sized bed", imagine a room with a mattress for a floor.
13. if it says that it is "steps to" anything, find out exactly how many steps, and make sure you're measuring with normal person legs, not giraffe legs or smoots.
14. if it says "charming", it's not.
15. if the listing boasts proximity to a rite-aid, duane reade, other drugstore, corner deli, or grocery store, run the other way.
16. if anyone wants to send you their keys from london, nigeria, turkmenistan, etc, let them, but don't send them any money.
17. don't give anyone any money until you move in and haven't been arrested for trespassing.
18. there is no such thing as "east williamsburg"; it's called bushwick.
19. counterintuitively, you probably don't want to live anywhere with "beach" in its name.
20. if the listing names a borough but not a neighborhood, it's not anywhere you want to be.

QLC

2008-07-02T22:45:00.003-04:00

weird, i know, that i should be back here on the eve of my 25th birthday (loosely speaking).

i thought this would be fun. or at least interesting. i think i hoped it would make me a better person; maybe i tricked myself into believing that i was doing something noble, or that it would balance out in the end, at the very least.

yes, i saw the raised eyebrows, the skeptical glances, the passively judgmental looks, when i told people of my plans: to go back to school, to get all the coursework under my belt as quickly as possible (two years, minimum), to apply to medical school (another year), to get in, to go (four years), to be a doctor, a real one (life). i told myself that they just didn't understand yet, that i'd have to prove it to them, that they'd see. i was going to show them all.

could they have been right all along? as i hit the first real bump in the road - organic chemistry, week two - i find my convictions on shaky ground. how badly do i really want this? it looks like the next six years will be awfully slow ones, not to mention expensive. and i'm not convinced anymore that my aims were noble at all. here i sit, in a room in my parents' house, belly full of their food, driving their car to the school for which they are paying - as they remind me daily. i'm certainly not a better person yet. could i be a worse person? will it all balance out in the end? i had great intentions, i swear, but i'm afraid... i'm a mooch.

my birthday is in three weeks. i'll be 25. not the world's oldest freshman, but not the youngest either. not by a long, long, long longshot. i guess this is what you call a quarter-life crisis, but, unemployed and unemployable as i am, i think my illegitimacy is more legitimate than that of most of my peers.

where do we go from here? do i back out now, deal with the shame and the embarrassment and the i-told-you-sos and hope to move on? or do i grit my teeth and clamp my eyes shut and plunge ahead into the dark?

peanut butter sandwiches save the world

2007-05-24T13:53:00.000-04:00

they're not only delicious, they have actual superpowers. check it out. and go have yourself a peanut butter sandwich. it's a mitzvah.

hello, dinner

2007-05-21T16:18:00.000-04:00

i ate a lobster for the first time ever last week. it seems like such a weird thing when your dinner is exactly one other creature. i felt bad that i hadn't met the lobster before the whole slaughter thing. i would have said, "nice to meet you, Lobster. i'm julie. i'm going to be eating you today." and then i would have reached out to shake hands, and he probably would have pinched me, and i would have gotten angry and felt a little less guilty about eating him.*

i mean, it's one thing that we're eating other sentient beings. i'm always a little uneasy with meat and seafood, feeling a little presumptuous and grossed out when i cook or eat it, but it's a different kind of interaction when you are just dealing with pieces of an animal - like when you're having beef or chicken - or when you've got a whole great big family of them - like shrimp or scallops. but it's somehow strangely intimate to sit down, one on one, with another animal with the intention of making it your meal.

*[ed. note: if you're wondering why i assume my lobster was a man, it's because we ladies have to stick together and i would never eat one of my sistahs.]

the new #4 on my wish list

2007-03-07T17:44:00.000-05:00

oh man, where can i get one of these? too cool.

arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

2007-03-06T14:31:00.000-05:00

from dave 2:16 pm (15 minutes ago)
to red wine, patsy, poshua, a bunch of other people
date Mar 6, 2007 2:16 PM
subject In which Groundskeeper Willie writes for the AP

The verdict was read on the 10th day of deliberations. Libby faces up to 30 yeaerrs in prison, though under federal sentencing guidelines likely will receive far less.

http://apnews.myway.com/article/20070306/D8NMQDK80.html

beef jeans

2007-03-05T11:59:00.000-05:00

humungoid thanks to everyone who made it out to my show this weekend - maggie, posh, tommy, Cousin Leah, the wife, melissita, shabecqua and matt, commando and friend, and special guest the lawyer, who made it all the way down from bo-town just for my show (or so i've decided to believe)!! (did i forget anyone? i hope not, but if so, you know i lurve you too) :)

seriously, seeing all of you there (after the show, outside - because i couldn't see a motherfucking thing with those lights in my eyes) was the most wonderful thing i've experienced in a long time, and i really do appreciate it. you are the best, most supportive friends a lady like me could ask for. and just knowing you were there eased my RICIDULOUSLY INTENSE nerves (seriously, this was the most jacked-up and nervous i've been since my road test (which is a story for another time)).

if you missed the show and are curious - or if you were there and just can't get enough - my classmate jesse has posted video clips and pictures from the show on his myspace blog. sadly, there are very few shots/vids from my team (BEEF JEANS REPRESENT!!), and those that are there aren't the best quality, but it might be a good way to kill a few minutes while you're putting off doing actual work. incidentally, if you or your loved ones happened to take any pictures, pretty please send them my way.

and now, back to your regularly scheduled snark.

location, location, location

2007-03-02T14:22:00.000-05:00

i don't know who was responsible for ad placement on this page, but... bravo.

better than sex? i'm not saying no.

2007-03-01T16:39:00.000-05:00

for the last week and a half or so, i've been nursing an increasingly intense craving for macaroni and cheese. in fact, i observed presidents' day by lying in bed for most of the afternoon, hung over, "surfing" the "internets" for leads on where in this fine city one could get top quality mac and cheese - and get it delivered.

sadly, i didn't find anything - or, to be more accurate, i ran out of attention span before i found anything promising. i did come across a droolworthy old nytimes article touting the glories of mac and cheese made with mountains of cheese, the right kinds of cheese, and browned to perfection. as you can imagine, this only intensified my yearning.

since then, the desire has been swelling inside me (in my loins, you might say. but you'd be incorrect.) to the point that i knew my sky-high expectations for the stuff will never be met. but then, last night, a miracle happened. it was...

KRAFT MACARONI AND CHEESE!!!!

i made it with vanilla soymilk (all i had) and lots of salt and pepper, and grated some extra sharp cheddar cheese in at the end. and i have never been happier in my life.

but rest assured, when i hit the deuce-fifty mark, my fat friends and i will take care to walk down the street single file.

an open letter to fat people

2007-02-28T15:47:00.000-05:00

dear fat people,

you're fat. i totally respect that. i fully support the whole "refusing-to-conform-to-society's-demands" thing, and i think most of what doctors tell us is hogwash. working out sucks, dieting sucks more, big is beautiful, and cheese is delicious. for the most part, i'm on your side.

for the most part.

because, you see, dear fatties, i do have one very serious bone to pick with you (get it? because they love to eat). if and when you find yourself needing to walk down the sidewalk in manhattan - although i understand that you must necessarily move slowly, and i also understand that such an undertaking is eased by the presence of one of your similarly tubby friends - it is NOT necessary that the two (or three! or more!) of you walk side by side. it's just not. these sidewalks are narrow, and there are 8 million more new yorkers (many of us faster-moving) who would like to get by. and, while i suspect you would not be ok with me grabbing the rolls around your midsection and hollering, "outta the way, tons o'fun!", i am not above doing so if that's what it takes to get me home and to my knitting-and-a-glass-of-wine raucous evening plans a little faster.

so, please, for your sakes and mine, let's try single file.

love and jiggles,
julie

missed tuesday makeup

2007-02-28T14:13:00.000-05:00

my deepest (but not humble in the least) apologies for my nonblogginess yesterday. you see, i spent most of the day under my desk in the fetal position, rocking back and forth and trembling. today is much better -- i've had more caffeine.

aaaaaaaaaanyhoo, today, i thought you'd enjoy an inside peek into midtown mayhem. you see, i know this is the sort of thing that bloggy geeks aren't supposed to talk about, but i hate being told what to do and enjoy being destructive, so i'm going to let you in on a little secret: i have a fancy schmancy tracker that tells me how many people load my blog and where. don't worry, it doesn't give me enough specifics to know who you are or where specifically, but it's enough to get a feel for where in the world my faithful readers live. it also has a nifty feature that tells me which search words lead people here.

which brings me to my question: why in the world are so many of you looking for mean bitches? perhaps you remember a post i did a while back, wherein i re-posted an old ym quiz that claimed to ascertain whether or not you are, in fact, a mean girl. naively, i titled my post mean bitches. apparently, this is also the name of a rather popular bondage porn site. so popular, in fact, that, out of the last 100 visitors to midtown mayhem, 19 were led here by searching for "mean bitches". that's a pretty solid percentage (almost 20%!).

not only that, but this is the most cosmopolitan group of readers i've ever had! it includes perverts from new york, austria, LA, italy, mexico, arkansas, canada, romania, china, UK, arizona, germany, and some magical sounding place called "rochester". (oooooooooooohhh).

improv where?

2007-02-26T11:44:00.000-05:00

so, on saturday, Cousin Leah and i participated in an improv everywhere mission. these kids are the absolute coolest and i totally want to be BFF with them now. they haven't added this most recent mission to the web page yet, but i imagine they will eventually, so sit tight.

in the meantime, you can entertain yourselves with this video of a previous IE mission, performed in las vegas, and you should understand pretty quickly how awesome these peeps are:

(note: you don't need sound to appreciate the awesomeness, so don't let that stop you.)

cast your votes now!

2007-02-26T11:31:00.000-05:00

should i, or should i not, get my hair cut like our gal zooey?

this is a wee bit effed up

2007-02-26T11:16:00.000-05:00

apparently, al sharpton's ancestors were owned by strom thurmond's. but the really upsetting thing about this is that all i can think about is that episode of family guy - you know, the one where peter finds out he has a black ancestor who was owned by lois's ancestors. you know the one i'm talking about.

to be fair, this was a fantastic episode - in which stewie also convinces O.J. to do something about his cheating wife, and dennis miller goes on a rant, and peter turns the house into peewee's playhouse, and quagmire, upon finding a bound and gagged high school cheerleader in the bathroom, blurts out, "dear diary... JACKPOT."

I don't wanna go on a rant here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowolf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first Battle of Antietam. I mean, when a neo-conservative defenstrates, it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate.

come on, you loved it.

midtown mayhem q&a

2007-02-26T09:18:00.000-05:00

in the comments section on my dream interpretation post, Cousin Leah alluded to a rather disturbing dream she recently had. or, you know, someone had. not necessarily anyone i know. anyway.

i was going to paste this as a response to her comment, but it ended up being too long and too excellent to leave there, so for those of you who can't be bothered to click on those little links, here you go:

leah
said...
where do i find that dream interpreter? i wonder what it says about violently squeezing a coworker's nipple....
12:43 AM

well, leah, i'm so glad you asked:

Coworker

To see your coworkers in your dream, highlights aspects of your waking relationship with them, including difficulties/support. It signifies your ambition, struggles and competitive nature. If the coworkers in your dream are not your actual coworkers, then they may pertain to some psychological business that you need to work on.

To dream that you are training someone to take your place, suggests that you are moving on with respect to some task or inner development. You are leaving behind old attitudes and are looking toward the future.

Nipples

To see nipples in your dream, relate to infantile needs and a regression into dependency.

To dream that you are squeezing pus out of your nipples, refers to your negative feelings about relationships. You are feeling sexually inadequate.

Blood

To see blood in your dream, represents life, love, and passion as well as disappointments. If you see the word "blood" written in your dream, then it may refer to some situation in your life that is permanent and cannot be changed.

To dream that you are bleeding or losing blood, signifies that you are suffering from exhaustion or that you are feeling emotionally drained. It may also denote bitter confrontations between you and your friends. Your past actions has come back to haunt you. Women often dream of blood or of someone bleeding shortly before or during their periods and when they are pregnant.

To dream that something is written in blood, represents the energy you have put into a project. You have invested so much effort into something that you are not willing to give it up.

To dream that you are drinking blood, indicates that you have a fresh burst of vitality and power.

**See The Meaning In Action: "Menstruation"

unfortunately, this one doesn't seem to appear on the list of "common dreams". i guess more relevant is this listing:

Torture

To dream that you are being tortured, indicates that you are feeling victimized or helpless in some relationship or situation. Alternatively, you may be exhibiting some sadomasochistic desires.

To dream that you are torturing others or see others being tortured, suggests that you are punishing yourself for your own negative or bad habits. You are projecting yourself onto the person or animal being tortured. Consider the symbolism of who is being tortured. Alternatively, the dream may indicate repressed feelings of revenge which you are not able to act on in your waking life.

perhaps this is where i put my disclaimer that "dream interpretation" is utter bullshit.

last night's sleep

2007-02-23T14:52:00.000-05:00

in case you were wondering, it turned out to be: not well.

poofy-neck kept me up and tossing and turning for most of the night.

perhaps tellingly, an online dream interpretation guide tells me, under the entry for "neck", that

To see your neck in your dream, signifies the relationship between the mind/mental and the body/physical. It represents willpower, self-restriction and your need to control your feelings and keep them in check. Consider the familiar phrase, "don't stick your neck out" which serves as a warning against a situation.

To dream that your neck is injured, indicates a separation between your heart and mind.

To dream of a thick neck, signifies that you are becoming very quarrelsome and quick-tempered.

fortunately for me, i'm far too tired to quarrel with anyone. Anyway, the aforepictured neck qualifies, in my opinion, not as "thick" per se, but more as "flaboobly", which doesn't appear anywhere in my dream guide.

alas.

from the depths of my nightmares...

2007-02-22T15:49:00.000-05:00

...or page six. does it really matter? the real question is, WHAT THE EFF IS HAPPENING WITH THIS GUY'S NECK?! is it just me? it can't be me. i've been staring at this image for ten minutes trying to figure out what's wrong with him. gout? what is gout? it certainly sounds like something that would make your neck puff up.

the article doesn't say which one of the characters in the story he is, but i assume from the text that he's the owner of kobe club, who is pissed at frank bruni for giving him a bad review.

not that that matters either. my main concern now is how i'm going to sleep tonight, knowing this guy's neck is out there, lurking in its own shadows.

february

2007-02-22T10:41:00.001-05:00

speaking of song lyrics, and the nields, it seems only appropriate to mention february, one of my favorite songs in the world, by dar williams, who happens to be, like, BFF with katryna and nerissa.

I threw your keys in the water, I looked back,
They'd frozen halfway down in the ice.
They froze up so quickly, the keys and their owners,
Even after the anger, it all turned silent, and
The everyday turned solitary,
So we came to february.

First we forgot where we'd planted those bulbs last year,
Then we forgot that we'd planted at all,
Then we forgot what plants are altogether,
And I blamed you for my freezing and forgetting and
The nights were long and cold and scary,
Can we live through february?

You know I think christmas was a long red glare,
Shot up like a warning, we gave presents without cards,
And then the snow,
And then the snow came, we were always out shoveling,
And we'd drop to sleep exhausted,
Then we'd wake up, and it's snowing.

And february was so long that it lasted into march
And found us walking a path alone together.
You stopped and pointed and you said, that's a crocus,
And I said, what's a crocus? and you said, it's a flower,
I tried to remember, but I said, what's a flower?
You said, i still love you.

The leaves were turning as we drove to the hardware store,
My new lover made me keys to the house,
And when we got home, well we just started chopping wood,
Because you never know how next year will be,
And we'll gather all our arms can carry,
I have lost to february.

really, if you ever enjoy folk music even a little, you should check this one out.

a sooty face = the new yellow star?

2007-02-21T09:31:00.000-05:00

what a lovely day to out some catholics.

so, i guess today is ash wednesday, a fact i discovered after trying to clean the forehead of bernie, our maintenance guy, with my own spit-covered thumb (shut up, it's instinct). to me, this means that it's the day of the year when i get to find out who among my colleagues is one of "them". in a community where, in some circles, catholicism is at least as widely reviled as judaism (ok, maybe not quite, but you know what i mean) , it feels a little dirty to me (pun completely intended) to require that particular 26% subgroup to mark themselves in such a conspicuous way. on the upside, i guess, now i know enough to cross bernie off my "people to talk to about how cool abortion is" list.

and, finally, this is a great excuse to post a sample from one of my all-time favorite nields songs about teen pregnancy, ash wednesday:

Daddy's on the back porch playing with a blowtorch
Standing by the front door, Avon Ladies for the Poor
Meanwhile Mama smiles, "Get your lover down the aisle
Before he's gone"

Lisa says, "Don't cry, I'll bring you flowers when you die
I'll go to school in only black or maybe in a gunny sack
I'll get your friends to stand around and dance upon buried ground
On our front lawn

But don't you worry, I'm sure she's sorry
And doesn't mean that stuff about the aisle"

Ring around the rosy, a pocket full of posy
Ashes ashes, we all fall down

The test came back on Tuesday last just before our pseudo-fast
Lisa says, "It's heaven-sent, you can't give ice cream up for Lent"
Mama said I wouldn't last forty days
But maybe two

So I spent the day avoiding Mother, reading Dr. Joyce Brothers
Reading Where The Wild Things Are and some of Plath's Bell Jar
Reading Daddy's tax forms to see if it would be born
On Christmas Day

And I am not weeping, I think I'm keeping
A baby who will soon be half my age

Ring around the rosy, a pocket full of posy
Ashes ashes, we all fall down

Quitting smoking is a must, ashes ashes dust to dust
Try to turn a new leaf, giving up pork and beef
Lisa says she'll buy me bras and maybe I should join a spa
Or take Lamaze

It's funny how you never know exactly when you're asked to grow
Exactly when you take the load or head up on your own road
Exactly which the day will be, maybe Ash Wednesday
Or Mardi Gras

So I will change 'cause I have changed
It's time to put these combat boots away

Ring around the rosy, a pocket full of posy
Ashes ashes, we all fall down

shut up, myspace. you're not the boss of me.

2007-02-21T00:55:00.000-05:00

seriously? come on.

2007-02-20T08:56:00.000-05:00

a plea to the public, or whoever is in charge of stuff:

give me the kids. for real. i mean, ok, yeah, maybe i would get them a little drunk from time to time, or slip em a xanax when they just. won't. go. to sleep, but i'm pretty sure - no, i am positive - that i would make a better parent than either of these two assclowns. a couple of tequila shots at naptime is nothing compared to what they're used to by now.

maybe one of you can start an online petition or something.

tyra banks is the howard dean of daytime tv

2007-02-19T22:39:00.000-05:00

i feel really conflicted about posting this, because i hate tyra banks and i really hate to contribute to her slow but certain world takeover. on the other hand: wow.

so here it is, courtesy of bethesda (whom i callously omitted from my cast of characters but who, you should know, is doing quite well):
stick with it. it starts to get good around 1:38.

where are they now?

2007-02-19T11:46:00.000-05:00

i'd like to take a moment to catch you all up on the lives of my cast of characters: how they've evolved over the last few months, who's done what/whom, and so on.

maggie turned out to be a superstar at her new job

i caught my wife screwing around on me and beat the hell out of her

patsy stopped blogging, started again, stopped again, quit facebook, re-joined facebook, and bought some flip-flops (HA!)

poshua found true love, and i was totally happy for him and not jealous, i don't care what you heard, shut up

Cousin Leah started her own blog

i want to say more, but i seriously cannot stop thinking about macaroni and cheese. god, i'm such a fat kid

recipe: fabulous weekend

2007-02-17T18:05:00.000-05:00

1 former roommate
1 roundtrip houston-nyc plane ticket
delicious tapas
3-day weekend
2 c tequila
splash of debauchery
new york city, to taste

mix all ingredients until ridiculous. serve spicy hot.

a brief recap of the last few months

2007-02-16T10:23:00.000-05:00

to make up for my non-blogginess over the last few months, i guess i should try to itemize the significant events that happened while i was off the air:

facebook added the controversial news feed feature

israel imploded

india exploded

i turned 23

millions of travelers were dehydrated

a missing austrian chick escaped crazy man's dungeon, turned out to be crazyish herself

the sox blew it

the pats blew it

bob barker announced that he's going to stop groping his Beauties
pastor ted, huge fag

gerald ford died, no one really seemed to care that much

we learned how kramer feels about black people

saddam poked with sticks, executed

r.i.p. ken lay, steve irwin, cory lidle, rosa parks, robert altman, pinochet, james brown, and anna nicole (even in death, you're so outrageous)

that awesome astronaut thing

while you were cheezing it

2007-02-15T18:22:00.000-05:00

they put a vending machine in our pantry at work. this is terrible news. not just because i enjoy being mad about everything, but because i also have zero self-discipline. (i'm really the kind of gal you want to take home to mom)

until today, the only thing stopping me from ballooning up to 800 pounds was sheer laziness. i love food - and i loooooooooooove high-calorie junk food - but getting it from the position of sitting at my desk was just too much work for me. so i stuck to coffee, diet coke (from the preexisting soda vending machine, of which i approve, for the record), and the lunches and snacks i brought from home (where junk food is relatively scarce, as i am also a fabulous cook - in case you wanted to know) - or often purchased in the relatively health-conscious corporate cafeteria.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanyway, all my good intentions went to hell in a handbasket today when i strutted into the pantry for my daily fix of artificial sweeteners and was sucked toward a black hole that wasn't there yesterday. there is

a SNACK MACHINE.

it has

CHEEZ-ITS.

and not just any cheez-its; no, this is a super-sized 3-ounce package. the nutrition label says it has 2.5 servings.

are they implying that i should be buying this bag, eating 40% of it, and tucking the rest away in my paper clip drawer until i should next feel the twinge of snacktime approaching? in the immortal words of cher in clueless (a.k.a. one of the best films ever made, for the record), "um, i don't think so!"

so what's for dinner?

pretty slick

2007-02-14T16:10:00.000-05:00

maybe you're wondering what could have drawn me out of my "i love new york"-and-miso coma and compelled me to blog again. i've got one word for you: bitching.

i'm not just going to bitch about the 100% ridic coldness going on today. that's pretty friggin' unoriginal. no, i'm going to bitch about other aspects of the weather. that's right. the flippin' freezing rain that assaulted me on my way to work today.

normally, i love that i live within easy walking distance of my office. but "easy" is relative, and when you feel like your body is being used for target practice by an army of angry Littles with tiny (but precious!) BB guns for fifteen minutes, that walk starts to seem awfully long.

but i'm tough, and i'm from colder climes, and it wouldn't have been so bad, if i hadn't been SALTED. TWICE. while just trotting down the sidewalk and minding my own unsalty business. have you seen those guys? they push what look like itty bitty wheelbarrows down the sidewalk and you don't realize until it's too late that they fire rocket-propelled balls of salt at the ankles of passerby. i guess they're trying to do a public service and melt the little icicles that were forming inside my shoes, but that really did nothing for the shellacking of ice i wore as a hat when i showed up at my office. late.

alas.

i'm a huge liar

2007-02-14T15:53:00.000-05:00

but you knew that already.

ok, it took some time, but i realized i made a huge mistake, baby, and i hope you'll take me back. if not for me, then for the kids.

you know, the kids. all those confused twentysomethings just wandering aimlessly in the world, looking for another way to procrastinate. won't they be happy to know we're back together?

admit it. you want this too.

that's right, all you crazy young 'uns. i'm back on the air. ain't nothin' gonna stop us now.

(unless i happen to pass by a shiny object or have a lot of work to do.)

R.I.P., my lovely self-indulgent crap-pile.

2006-06-26T15:25:00.000-04:00

to make it finally, really, truly official: midtown mayhem is hereby retired. put out to pasture. gone the way of old yeller and, more recently, aaron spelling.

(might as well go down in flames, right?)

it's been real, kiddies. be good. stay in school. don't drink and drive, unless you really like to party. good night, and good luck.

(for a select few, i may, at some point in the future, begin blogging again elsewhere. if you want to be notified if/when/where this happens, contact me. i will not be posting again here.)

because i can't not

2006-06-01T09:34:00.000-04:00

behold my dollfaced boytoy pal tommy, the next jim carrey, or so sayeth the new york times:

Children Get Into the Act in 'Tempest Tossed Fools'
By ANITA GATES

In audience-participation children's theater, the children don't always understand the rules. At Monday night's performance of the Millennium Talent Group's rowdy, colorful "Tempest Tossed Fools," for instance, when the King of Naples wailed about where his missing son might be, one little girl in the audience piped up, "I think he's behind that curtain." She repeated her comment several times but was ignored.

Otherwise the interaction seemed to go according to plan, with children calling out animal names when asked and going onstage to dance; making wind, rain and lightning noises; and participating in a particularly undemanding limbo contest.

"Tempest Tossed Fools," written and directed by Sarah Rosenberg and described as a musical reimagining of "The Tempest," uses some of Shakespeare's original language but relies heavily on contemporary Americanization ("Like cool!"), pop-culture references ("Yo quiero Taco Bell") and slapstick to keep the audience entertained.

It's not clear how much Shakespeare is absorbed in such a production, but the basic plot is fairly easy to understand. Prospero, the Duke of Milan, and his daughter are shipwrecked on an island with only a monster and a sprite for company. Prospero commands the sprite, Ariel, to cause another shipwreck and cast spells on the survivors.

The daughter falls in love with one survivor. (The only other males she has ever seen are her father and the monster, so it's a lucky break that the guy is a handsome prince.) Some drunken sailors do comic bits, Prospero gets his crown back, and everybody dances for joy.

Ariel is played nicely by the grown-up Anna Chlumsky, who starred in the film "My Girl" (1991) when she was pushing 11. Kevin Barry is properly dignified as Prospero. Rebecca Navarro plays his daughter, Miranda, like one of those spoiled rich teenagers on an MTV reality series.

As Stephano, Tommy Dickie displays a Jim Carrey-like ease with goofy physical comedy. [ed. note: he is also one fine piece of ass] And as the King of Naples, Diego Kelman Ajuz is delightfully, fearlessly committed to outright silliness.

"Tempest Tossed Fools" is at the Manhattan Ensemble Theater, 55 Mercer Street,SoHo, through June 29; (212) 239-6200.

q: what do you call a beautiful airhead with tourette's?

2006-05-18T12:33:00.000-04:00

a: my wife!

From: My Wife
Sent: Thursday, May 18, 2006 12:26 PM
To: Julie
Subject: Re: FW: summer fridays

so, let's coordinate, fucker. am i allowed to swear on your work e-mail? fuck. shit.

oh, and also

2006-05-16T14:17:00.000-04:00

because you know you were dying to know: the only think more pimp than my new camera... is my new phone. seriously. i think i'm in love. incidentally, i don't have anybody's phone numbers in it, so if you want to receive obscene phone calls, remember to send them to me.

2006-05-16T14:01:00.000-04:00

i'm a huge nerd. i'll come right out and admit that. with pride. this is why i get really excited for things like my own personalized letterhead with my new company name and logo at the top. so concentrate really hard and try to picture my reaction when my assistant came into my office with a cardboard box and said the following:

"i have letterhead for you, but the printing company misspelled your name and these pads all say 'julia' at the top. they're not going to charge me for them, and i can reorder them with your name spelled correctly... but i have a real problem killing trees. so, it's up to you. you could just use these instead."

somehow, personalized stationary isn't quite as cool when it has someone else's name on it. i'd change my name, but i suspect that would only require wasting more paper.

every day's a holiday!

2006-05-15T12:34:00.000-04:00

last night, the wife and i held our much-anticipated, old-fashioned pajama party. our guests' interpretation of our "pajamas required" rule led to some disappointment on my part (seriously, poshua, you must have pajamas, you dirty, nude-sleeping liar), but aside from that, good times were had by all. or, by me anyway, and that's really all that matters in the happy little universe of my selfish, selfish head. we watched movies, we giggled about boys, we ordered pizza (most of which i ate), and patsy brought a tube of cookie dough (most of which i ate). as you can imagine, i made some regrettable gustatory decisions and went to bed pretty full. tomorrow (that's today), i decided, i would eat light and try to do a little damage control.

anyway, i got to work today and it was... FREE KRISPY KREME DAY!! well, you can surely imagine how this story ends: with me sitting at my desk in a puddle of my own drool, smushy donut belly resting semi-comfortably atop my keyboard and the bottom half of my face gleaming with donut glaze. it was in midst of this that i looked at myself and realized that, i truly am living the american dream.

ok, time for lunch.

in which friendster gets me blogging again

2006-05-15T10:22:00.000-04:00

bola, if you want to be my friendster, best not to start by calling me a 'hoe':

From: bola
Date: Monday, May 15, 2006 1:06:00 AM
Subject: hi
Message:
> hoe r u
> iam bola
> from egypt
> i like u eyes u smile
> i hope speake with u

today's can't-miss links

2006-05-10T15:43:00.000-04:00

...each identified by a single word that will make you want to click:

everything i know about life i learned while unemployed

2006-04-27T00:31:00.000-04:00

1. dr. phil is on at 3, but it's never as good as the previews lead you to believe it will be.
2. ramen is cheapest at the rite-aid by worldwide plaza (5/$1!)
3. it's way easier than you think to sleep until 1:00.
4. apparently, no one else in new york has a job either.
5. you can't actually afford booze.
6. i guess that's it. my brain is pretty mushy by now.

but, as previously mentioned, i have landed myself a job. yeah, i fooled 'em into thinking that i have some sort of marketable skill. in keeping with my policy of not putting identifying information up here, i can't tell you what the job is or what the company is, but i will say this: i'm AWESOME.

but even AWESOMER than AWESOME is the TOTALLY WICKED SWEET job maggie has officially locked down as of today. if you see her, be sure to give her a congratulatory high-five/bum-squeeze.