this is fabulous and all, but wake me up when i can get elizabeth hurley's face.

i want MoDo to buy me this

of course, i am thankful for my emily, who called my attention to this little gem. it's a pink cell phone that keeps your shopping list and tells you when you're ovulating. and when you're stupid. apparently, "you can put in your birth date and it will tell you if you are intelligent, attractive or emotionally stable. You can't be all three on any day." hey, i consider it a good day if i get 2 out of 3.

zipcar is freakin' sweet

flexcar, apparently, is not.

ZipCar says it first broke even in 2004 and is on pace to more than double its revenue to $15 million in 2005, from $7 million in 2004. The company had revenue of $4 million in 2003.

Flexcar is not yet profitable; officials declined to provide revenue figures. Mr. Case likened the company to a young AOL and predicted that it could have a million members by 2010.

"We have a business plan, but I am not focused on short-term profit," Mr. Case said during an interview in his office here. "That's part of the reason why I funded this through my own capital. We are not in a build-to-flip mode. We are in a build-to-last mode."

yeah, mr. case, those grapes were probably sour anyway.

it's never too late to be thankful, right?

by the light of patsy's shining example, i have compiled a list of the things for which i am thankful. and to those of you who say, "thanksgiving was last week, bitch," i'd be very thankful if you'd kiss my ass. here goes:

this year, i am particularly thankful for:

my team of lovable sidekicks, including, but not limited to, my wife (the most stable relationship i've ever had), patsy, maggie and the rest of the happy hour mafia

my perpetually chipper doormen, especially joe, whom i overheard telling aric that he thinks i look like catherine zeta-jones. aric disagreed. i like him anyway.

the fake wall that allows me to be naked in my room and not in the living room

songs with which i have happy associations, such as "new york city" (by tmbg), "hey julie" (by fountains of wayne), and the golden girls theme song

a very well-stocked kitchen and our surprising culinary skills

the extreme geographic displacement between me and most of my exes

all forms of edible raw fish, and wasabi

the concerned, lawsuit-averse management of kemia bar

a job that allows me to spend several hours a day blogging

you, my loyal readers. without you, i wouldn't have already made a cool 91 cents from my fabulous ad revenue. (feel free to click those, by the way. maybe i can eventually make this my full-time job...)

well, since you asked...

i'll tell you all about my night! last night, that is. you see, i had gotten an invitation to a very exclusive event - the new york city marathon volunteers' dinner at bryant park grill. not even all the volunteers are invited; apparently, they do the invitations by lottery. which is stupid, since i barely did anything and left early, but hey, i'm not complaining. free food, free booze... i was there. i went, fully prepared to know no one there (they had specified on the invitation that spouses could not be accommodated, much to the wife's and my disappointment), but expecting everyone else to be in more or less the same boat. they weren't. when i arrived, the waiters and i seemed to be the only people under 50, and everyone else seemed to know someone. some kind, lonely old man engaged me in a brief conversation that covered the standard topics of manhattan rent, the merits and downsides of outer boroughs (he lives in astoria, so i didn't divulge my true feelings), and the red sox bullpen. although i was relieved to no longer seem like a creepy friendless weirdo leering at the crowd, i was also bored with him and seized the opportunity when he wandered toward the bar. at one point, i decided to leave if the situation didn't improve, but just then, i found a pocket of youth and leeched onto them like the parasite i sometimes am (big shout-out to my new nonprofit friends!). they were very friendly, and adopted me as one of their own. i dined with them over a mediocre (but free!) buffet dinner and (free!) champagne, and we danced to the electric slide. in what felt like a very grown-up social exchange, they gave me their business cards and i invited them to our weekly dinner as a token of my gratitude. i found out today that, in a shining example of instant karma, one of them won an item in the raffle (you go, jessica!).

tonight: harry's!

and i can't believe i forgot to mention...

...the best meal i've had in months, which happened on monday at sapphire, a swanky little indian place up by columbus circle. it was totally worth defaulting on my rent for, and i'm still drooling at the thought. highly recommend it. highly.

ok, amazon, i think we need to have a talk...

you may have noticed...

that this site now features ads. i got really confused during the registration process, but i think i signed up for the "content-specific" ones that are tailored to my posts. funny, then, this e-mail that i just got from the wife:

the google sponsor ads that are brought up when i read your blog? "find local sex offenders in your area". is there something you're not telling me?

so many things, love. so many things.

new york makes the weirdest things seem normal

i am appalled at myself for forgetting to post this first thing this morning (i blame having actual work to do), but on my way to work today, i saw (i am not lying) someone walking a bunch of camels through rockefeller center.

in my opinion, that was funny enough on its own, and i was prepared to blog it, but i thought a visual aid might be nice, so i tried to find a picture of a camel on a city street. but despite my best google image search-aided efforts, i came up dry. there were no such images that i could find, but i did happen upon way more pictures of camels having sex than i would have liked to see. apparently, i am the first person to witness a camel being led through rockefeller center and think it was remarkable. or all the people before me didn't have their cameras on them either. one or the other.

amazon wants to go spelunking with me

well-written and interesting...

another side of the love-maureen-dowd-hate-maureen-dowd, anti-anti-anti-anti-feminism debate, with a reference to stockholm syndrome thrown in there.

i'd never heard the term "strawfeminist" before, but the description brings a few individuals to mind. for those who don't want to read the whole article:

Unlike real feminists, Strawfeminists are all wealthy and white and "choose" to work instead of work because they have to. (We real feminists mostly need that paycheck.) Strawfeminists both hate men and have too much sex with them. Strawfeminists are selfish and hate their children and parents and husbands. Strawfeminists have no sense of humor and are ugly. Strawfeminists are selfish.

new york, my love, my oppressor

as most of you know, i was a psychology major in college. so forgive me if this post is a little too psych-nerd for the mainstream. but i think some of you might agree with the point i'm about to make.

it occurred to me today that my love for new york - which, if i haven't made clear, is as boundless as the sea at the end of the gooey, grey hudson river - is kind of like stockholm syndrome, the phenomenon of hostages falling in love with their captors. because i am inarticulate and, some might argue, borderline retarded, i'll just post the wikipedia definition here and you'll see what i mean.

The Stockholm syndrome is a psychological response of a hostage, or an individual in a hostage-like situation (e.g. dependent child, battered wife, etc.), in which the more powerful person (a) has the power to put the individual's life in danger or at least the power to harm the individual, and (b) occasionally exercises this power in order to show that he or she is able to use it if the victim will not conform to the more powerful person's will. The main symptom of the syndrome is the individual's seeming loyalty to the more powerful person in spite of the danger (or at least risk) in which they are placed as a result of this loyalty.

sound familiar? every day, you drag yourself out of the shoebox of an apartment that you live in and for which you pay more than your life is worth; you rub up against total strangers (often smelly) as you cram your body into a sardine can of a subway car on your way to work, all so that you can slave all day in service of someone whom you, on a very fundamental level, hate with every fiber of your being, in order to afford the astronomically overpriced apartment that you love so much. and then, when it all comes down to it, you stare new york in the dirty, smelly, smoky face, and glow with unchecked adoration for the beast that bends you over the table and has its way with you every single day. you go home for thanskgiving and boast to friends and relatives about how much you love The City, about how it's the most exciting place in the world and you miss it already: the bright lights; the men in suits; the $15 cocktails; the beautiful people; the random, fanny-packed kentucky families; the "model scouts" in times square who are willing to get you started for a simple, one-time cash payment of $60 (upfront, of course); and the complete lack of foliage anywhere outside of The Park. as carrie bradshaw said, "it's easy for me to say, 'i love you, new york'."

if you love me, you'll buy me a ticket to this

"TRUE TALES FROM THE BRONX ZOO" Remember that time the gorilla escaped from its cage and started a fight with the elephants? Well, we don't either. In fact, this probably didn't happen. But if it did, you certainly would hear about it at this event, which features employees of the Bronx Zoo relating wild stories. The Daily Show correspondent Samantha Bee (haha, she's named for an animal!) moderates the panel. 92nd St Y, 1395 Lexington Ave., (212) 415-5500. 8:15 p.m. $25.

ivanna be like her when i grow up

i'm sorry, but you know i can't resist a terrible pun.

November 28, 2005 -- IVANA Trump, 56, has a new, much younger boy toy. After dumping her lover of two years, Rossano Rubicondi, 32, last summer, Trump has still toyed on and off with her Italian stallion, but now may be ready to give him the boot for good. The well-preserved former wife of The Donald showed up to the Jazz Foundation of America and its Musicians Emergency Fund benefit last Wednesday at B.B. King's on West 42nd Street with an Austrian royal on her arm. Prince Max of Schaumburg-Lippe, 27, who was very attentive to her, is "known for his penchant for celeb-infested parties," our spy said and "canoodled with Ivana" throughout the night.

i am seriously thinking about doing this

where would that put me, on a scale of one to total crack baby?

houston police: allergic to fun

Texas police arrest French "Spiderman"
Wed Nov 23, 2005 9:42 AM ET

HOUSTON (Reuters) - A daredevil climber known as "the French Spiderman" who has scaled skyscrapers around the globe was arrested on Tuesday as he tried to clamber up a Houston office building, authorities said.

Alain Robert, 43, dashed from a taxi to the 46-story Houston Center but was stopped just as he was starting his ascent. Police said a reporter had tipped them off to his plans.

"A tall officer was able to grab his ankles. He was about one or two steps from getting away," Houston police spokesman Alan Wright said.

Robert's Web site claims he has climbed some 70 buildings including the Eiffel Tower; the Petronas Twin Towers in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia; London's Canary Wharf Building; the Empire State Building in New York and Chicago's Sears Tower.

Last December he defied stiff winds and rain to climb the world's tallest building, Taipei 101, in Taiwan's capital.

Houston police charged Robert with criminal trespass and possession of narcotics. They said Xanax tablets were in his bag and it was unclear if he had a doctor's prescription for the anti-anxiety drug.

last night...

we really hammered home the lesson of last week; specifically, i am good at cooking, but suck at life. we had quite the crowd, with a special guest appearance by M&M, the dynamic duo infamous for their shared neuroses and slap-fights. everything went swimmingly, in my opinion, until i reached into a cabinet for a teacup and came out with a 3-inch piece of glass embedded in my hand. ah well, the burns and slices of last week were almost healed up anyway; it was time for a new battle wound.

in case you're curious, last night featured a chinese theme: shrimp crackers, chicken stir-fry with some spectacular veggies bought in chinatown (chinese eggplant, snow peas, bok choy, bean sprouts, and more), fortune cookies (because we're cute like that) and some phenomenal raspberry-oatmeal bars about which i am still fantasizing. poshua brought a delightful riesling. the m's brought succulent chocolate chip cookies. general merriment was had by all.

we soothed our post-dinner food coma with an arrested development mini-marathon. did i mention we got netflix? did i mention i LOVE netflix?

and on an unrelated note, i hope you all enjoy thankgiving. send me your amusing family/turkey stories, and if they amuse me enough, i just might post them.

last night, i learned...

...that there is a world outside of manhattan! and you can get there on the subway!!

last night, the wife and i took our bodyguard, Poshua, with us as we ventured to a magical, faraway land called Queens. it was our first out-of-borough experience, and it was everything i dreamed it would be.

am i the only one who finds this tradition extremely fucked up?

this whole "pardon a turkey" thing has always seemed really twisted to me. i mean, first of all, yeah, capital punishment is a hoot, and it's awfully cute that they pretend this turkey is really a death row inmate. they should take it a step further, you know, lock him up, occasionally beat and sodomize him for a few days before the pardon actually happens, just for an added sense of reality. then, when the pardon comes, huzzah! he's free! he'll never be able to get a job again and will probably live a life of poverty until he is driven back to his criminal ways, but, c'est la vie with the american justice system. i wonder if death row inmates find it as hilarious as the rest of us.

second of all, i think we are all aware that this turkey hasn't actually done anything. was his crime, like that of so many others, being too poor to afford effective assistance of counsel? awwww... this little pageant gets cuter by the minute. by pardoning someone (ok, something, if you prefer) that hasn't actually committed a crime, aren't you really just reminding us that we kill the rest of the beasts purely out of our own cruelty (and their deliciousness)? thanks, american government, for that. my turkey will taste that much better this thursday. i have often wondered whether this tradition was actually started by a vegan with an agenda, someone who wanted to make us all realize that eating meat is cruel but who underestimated our bloodthirstiness.

which is not to say that i won't be having my share of meaty deliciousness this week. i'm already saving room for mom's famous stuffing. mmmmmmmmmmm........

awesome shout-out, even better headline

WHY IVY LEAGUERS CAN'T READ: The best story making the rounds at the Harvard-Yale football game Saturday had nothing to do with the Crimson's dramatic 30-24 triple-overtime win. A Lowdown spy who attended the beer-drenched tailgate festivities in New Haven reports: "The Harvard Porta-Potties ran out of paper. Guess what they were using? New York magazine." Yesterday a rep for the mag laughed and declined comment. Suffice to say that this item certainly doesn't reflect Lowdown's high esteem for the glossy weekly.

of course, i wasn't aware of this until i read it online; you see, the lines for all of the porta-potties were consistently so insanely long that i never even used them. i did, however, pee once in the woods, and once in the bathroom of a bus belonging to some law school students. i didn't feel bad lying to them about being a student myself, because they were hugely bitchy to us. but, in their defense, lawyers' doody does smell like roses.

this just in: camden is still a shithole

CAMDEN, N.J., Nov. 21 - For the second year in a row, Camden has been ranked the most dangerous city in America, but this year Camden's leaders refused to take the news without hitting back.

On Monday, the day the rankings were announced, Camden's leaders held a rally, with ringing gospel songs, dances and speeches that criticized the crime rankings as meaningless and insulting. About 100 people turned out.

really? 100 whole people? sounds like a pep rally at my high school, but with more gunfire.

seriously, if i were a journalist, i think i'd report from baghdad before i let them send me to camden.

amazon knows about my penchant for destruction

LEAVE HERMIONE THE FUCK ALONE

fucking crazy christians...

“Harry Potter” star Emma Watson says people who find the content of the films un-Christian keep sending her copies of The Bible. “I have a collection of about 20 in my room,” the 15-year-old actress told Life magazine. “People think I need to be guided."

this is why i'm afraid of the midwest

but really, who doesn't fantasize about ben affleck and jennifer garner...

Man Who Kept Dead Mom in Freezer Sentenced

LA CROSSE, Wis. Nov 21, 2005 — A recluse who kept his dead mother in his freezer and shot at his neighbors when they came to his door was sentenced to seven years in prison Monday.

Philip Schuth, 53, was sentenced for attempted homicide, reckless endangerment and concealment of a corpse.

Schuth told investigators that his mother died of natural causes in 2000, and an autopsy confirmed that. Schuth, who never had held a real job, said he hid her death because he was afraid authorities would blame him and because he wanted to keep collecting her Social Security checks.

He was arrested in April after an all-night standoff with police at his house on French Island, which lies in the Mississippi River just outside La Crosse. The standoff began when Schuth shot at a couple and their 10-year-old son after they confronted him over whether he had hit the boy.

During negotiations with police, Schuth said he had his dead mother in a freezer in the basement. Officers found her encased in a block of ice.

"Obviously it's a very serious crime. On the other hand, he had some unique issues in his upbringing that contributed to it which are probably treatable," District Attorney Scott Horne said, referring to Schuth's isolated childhood and hermit-like existence as an adult. "We all learned how to deal with minor conflicts because we're taught and brought up to do that. He wasn't."

Schuth has said he fantasized about being married to "Alias" star Jennifer Garner. At his sentencing, he said: "I apologize to Jennifer Garner and her pool boy Ben Affleck for involving them in my fantasies."

i can't help myself

is this not the prettiest little newborn bundle you've ever seen?! yes, sharon popped out a girl, and she is -- to no one's surprise, i'm sure -- absolutely gorgeous.

hold on, i'm pricing out tickets to nevada...

Hollywood Madam to open Nevada 'stud farm'Fri Nov 18, 2005 10:25 AM ET

By Steve Gorman
LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Former "Hollywood Madam" Heidi Fleiss, whose previous career running a call-girl ring landed her in prison, is returning to the world's oldest profession -- to open a Nevada brothel catering to women.

Fleiss said on Thursday she has struck a deal with a licensed brothel owner in Nevada, where prostitution is legal, to turn one of his three establishments, the Cherry Patch, into a glitzy new bordello that she will rename Heidi Fleiss' Stud Farm.
She plans to remodel the building, located outside the town of Pahrump, Nevada, west of Las Vegas near the California border, with skylights, marble tiling, palm trees and waterfalls, and hopes to reopen the business within two months.

Fleiss said she is taking applications from men seeking to work in what she says will be the world's first licensed brothel catering exclusively to female clients.

"The Hollywood Madam is looking for a few good men out there," she told Reuters in a telephone interview in the midst of her move from Los Angeles to Nevada. "It's going to be an oasis in the desert."

Fleiss said she is aiming for an initial stable of about 20 male prostitutes who would charge $250 an hour -- far less, she said, then the fees paid by clients of the call-girl ring she ran a decade ago.

"Prostitution and modeling are the only businesses where women make more money than men," she said, adding that her "studs" would split their earnings 50/50 with her, but "keep all their tips."

Fleiss acknowledged that her biggest potential obstacle is her 1995 conviction on federal charges of tax evasion and money laundering, stemming from her prostitution service catering to the rich and famous. She ultimately served 21 months in prison and was released in November 1998.

Nevada state law allows counties to deny a brothel license to convicted felons, although Fleiss said she knows of several bordello owners with criminal records. She also said her plan was to operate her "stud farm" under an existing license.

"There's still a little bit of legalities that we're working through, but it's going to be OK," she said.

Her Las Vegas-based lawyer, Richard Schonfeld, said Fleiss will not be an owner or licensee of the establishment but merely an employee with the title of "madam/hostess."

She must first obtain a work card from the county sheriff's department, a process that requires far less scrutiny than applying for a business license, Schonfeld said.

"She just wants to be employed there and go through the regular steps that any employee at a brothel has to go through," he said. "She going to lend her name and her charm to the business."

Representatives of the Nye County Commission could not immediately be reached for comment. Commission chairwoman Candice Trummell told the Los Angeles Times that county attorneys were reviewing the proposed business and it was unclear whether it would be approved.

Assuming the brothel opens as planned, Fleiss said she is certain there will be plenty of demand for its services.

"Women make more money these days, they're calling the shots, they're more powerful. And let's face it, it's hard to meet someone," she said.

"And then you've got the situation with the old husband leaving his wife for the younger girl, and the lady sitting at home crying. Well, now she has a place to go, and say, 'Right back at you, buddy, and on your credit card.'"

that's my theory, too.

You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.
- Art Buchwald

sorry to be so non-updatey...

...but this "job" thing keeps getting in the way...

so much to say, such a short attention span

well, i suppose i’ll start with what i think is the best part: the absolutely true story of how Wife very nearly got herself arrested this weekend.

as most of you know, this past saturday was the annual harvard-yale game, held this year in new haven, connecticut, also known as the happiest place on earth that could make you want to kill yourself. Poshua got us a zipcar, and he, Maggie, the wife and i agreed to meet downtown in the morning to drive over to the infamous Asshole Of New England.

running maybe a little late (as we tend to do), but basically on schedule, the wife and i leave home and skip on down to the subway station entrance on the corner, knowing full well that her metrocard is finicky and there is no human teller at this entrance. i swipe in and wait while she furiously and repeatedly slides her card through the reader, to no avail. a kindly (and maybe a little shady) gentleman at the next turnstile sees her plight and offers what help he can.

"quick," he says, "come through with me."

obedient and easily confused as she is, Wife hops in the turnstile behind Sketchy Guy and shuffles through. the three of us reunited on the other side, we turn and see...

Dismayed Cop staring us right in the face.

"I need to see ID from both of you," he says to W. and S.G.

but, oh no! i failed to mention that W. has lost her wallet two days before. she has no license, no credit card, not even an expired college ID. she explains this to Dismayed Cop, and he remains dismayed. fortunately, she has her office ID on her, and even more fortunately, she is pretty and appears very innocent. D.C. questions her: "when was your last summons, or ticket?" She furrows her brow, confused.

"ticket?"

"yes, ticket. or summons. do you have any unpaid fines?"

she has no idea what he is talking about. she pulls her metrocard out of her wallet in an attempt to answer his question. i turn to the cop and inform him that she has none, because she is as pure as britney spears before that whole justin timberlake fiasco.

D.C. turns to the two perpetrators and says, "i need you both to come with me."

not wanting to miss any of the action, and knowing we can't leave for new haven without my partner in crime, i follow along. D.C. orders the criminals to wait outside of a mini-police station (is there anything the subway doesn’t have?) while he goes in and checks their records. meanwhile, some off-duty policemen appear and decide to have some fun with the situation. one particularly cute one (i really wished he had been in uniform) pulls out his handcuffs and approaches menacingly until every last bit of color has drained from W's face, then cracks up laughing, as do i. another one questions her seriously about all of the "issues" on her record, until she breaks down and admits to having gotten a speeding ticket, once. meanwhile, the whole situation is so hilarious to me that i can barely contain myself. D.C. eventually returns and begins writing W. a ticket. i am disappointed to see this, as i had naively hoped that she would be set free to coast through life purely on good looks and sex skills; however, D.C. informs us that she is being let off easy.

"you had nothing on your record, so I'm going to let you go with a ticket," he says, "but this guy--"

he indicates S.G.

"--he's going to jail."

we turn to see S.G. being cuffed and prodded away, presumably to the subway prison. i strain to overhear what he's done that is getting him arrested, but i can’t really get too much of what they are saying. i think it was peter braunstein. D.C. continues to explain that, technically, when you get caught committing a violation and don’t have proper ID on you, you are supposed to go to jail. essentially, if she hadn't been so darn cute, W. would have missed h-y and spent the weekend in the slammer. which would have sucked for her, but would have been really funny for me.

the moral of the story: next time you break the law, have your license on you. or at the very least, be attractive.

a shrewd observation

"i guess when you have your head that far up your ass, it can be kind of hard to see what's going on."
- my brilliant wife

we're really very mature

aol has added these "bots" to instant messenger. "shoppingbuddy" supposedly helps you shop, while "moviefone" helps you find out information about movies. the wife and i - grownups that we are - entertained ourselves for hours with these things:

me: hey there, asshole
ShoppingBuddy: Welcome. Now you can search for products with AOLShopping. Type main to get started. To read our privacy policy, type privacy anytime.

me: sex
ShoppingBuddy: OK, I'm searching for matches 4 U. Gimme a sec...

ShoppingBuddy: I didn't find any good matches 4 U but may I ask you a question?

me: yes
ShoppingBuddy: Want to give a gift they'll really remember?

me: help me shop for a good lay
ShoppingBuddy: OK. Who are you still shopping for?

me: do you have any sweet lovin'?
ShoppingBuddy: I'm shop-o-rific.

me: FUCK
ShoppingBuddy: Hey -- clean up the language and get serious. I'm happy to help but can't deal with that mouth.

me: I'M HAPPY TO LET YOU BLOW ME
ShoppingBuddy: Hey -- clean up the language and get serious. I'm happy to help but can't deal with that mouth.

me: THAT'S NOT WHAT YO MAMA SAID LAST NIGHT, BEEEEEYOTCH
ShoppingBuddy: OK, I'm searching for matches 4 U. Gimme a sec...

ShoppingBuddy: - Search results for YO MAMA SAID NIGHT BEEEEEYOTCH

- Creepy Things Are Scaring Me! [$11.99]
- God Gave Us You [$7.99]
- Butterflies Of The Night [$13.95 - $17.95]
- Esta Noche Cuando Mama Regrese a [$5.61 - $7.99]
- Mama Sale Esta Noche/Mom's Night [$7.01 - $10.95]

the wife had a good time too:

wife: ya fuckin' haaahd on
ShoppingBuddy: Mm hm, now we are getting somwhere.

wife: i'm looking for some sweet, sweet lovin'
ShoppingBuddy: I'm shop-o-rific.

it also gave me some excellent leads for crotchless panties.

the best e-mail i have received... ever.

patsy has the FAO Schwartz catalogue, and she writes:

"I WANT MY MOTHERFUCKING PONY!!!!!!"

don't we all?

i've seen all of these before but some are still funny

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--Dan Quayle

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?"
--Lee Iacocca

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery

a beautiful revelation

have you ever had a moment in which you suddenly understood your purpose in this world? when you, all at once, were overcome with a sense of truth and beauty, and you realized that everything around you was blooming and savory? when you suddenly understood that we are all but plankton caught in the baleen of a mammoth humpback whale, surfing the cosmic tides of the infinite universe that is cruelly oppressed by dungeonmasters wielding maces of disease coated in deception, whose faces we cannot see through the haze of ignorance mingled with the smell of the semen of a thousand frustrated fraternity pledges forced to masturbate onto a chocolate chip cookie while the world's most beautiful beer is being funnelled into their hungry mouths?

no?

me neither.

good lord, it's true

apparently, that jason lewis-lindsay lohan story actually happened. i stand corrected. i mean, i'm sitting. but you get the idea.

the real jason lewis heard the story the same way i did (from gawker), and calls the imposter a creep, or a jerk, or something. i kinda wish he had commended him instead. that would have been supercool.

and, in case you don't want to actually read the article, kanye west hates homos:

Kanye West still wrestles with 'my own homophobia'


Kanye West claimed President Bush "doesn't care about black people" in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina in September.

But West himself is grappling with his own fear of gay people.

"I'm still trying to get over my own homophobia," West says in King magazine, which names him its Man of the Year in the upcoming issue. "I still wouldn't feel comfortable at a gay bar. I wouldn't go to a gay parade. I don't know if I'm in favor of gay marriage or not."

West goes on: "People said to me, 'Were you scared of speaking out against George Bush?' No. The bravest thing I did this year was speaking out against homophobia. That's a scarier topic, because if you bring it up, people think you must be gay. But you don't have to be gay to not gay-bash. We're a very close-minded people."

West recalls freestyling with another rapper in front of a gay person years ago "and we started rhyming about beating up gays right in front of him. .. People always say, 'Kanye's conscious, Kanye's conscious' - well, my conscience kicked in, and it said, 'Yo, that was kinda wack.' "

well, at least he acknowledges that it's kinda wack. there is more to this piece, if you're wondering, but i thought i'd spare you.

amazon apparently wants me to move to boca raton and wear white pants

hot date

i just got back from a hot lunch date with the always ghetto fabulous Poshua. we dined in the overpriced basement cafeteria of the uniquely vile trump tower, which is conveniently located very near to - and in between - our offices. i'm pretty sure we were the closest things to legitimate new yorkers in the place, and although i didn't see The Donald himself (did he make up that nickname? it seems like he would have...), i got a souvenir lock of his hair in a satin bow fastened with an "I (heart) DT" pin. ah, the fruits of good taste...

last night...

was enchilada night chez nous! i learned: that i'm good at cooking, but i suck at life. i am typing this with some difficulty, as i have two bandaids covering two slices i delivered to two of my most important fingers (left index and right thumb), and a visible burn on my left hand. i guess i should have made the margaritas after cooking.

but dinner was great, with from-scratch peanut butter-oatmeal-chocolate chip cookies (by request from patsy), frozen margaritas, and crack chips with bean dip. i'm still salivating.

after dinner, maggie and i went to a party thrown by some guy i never knew in school and still probably couldn't pick out of a lineup. there were many other people there, almost all of whom i had never laid eyes on before, probably because they seemed completely uninterested in the existence of anyone outside of the porc or the bee. oh well. in lieu of interacting with people, i made myself many drinks (hmmm... maybe that life expectancy thing was right about me...) and ended up chatting with some guy who hates poor people, and some dude who told maggie (essentially) that her job is stupid (it's not). all in all, a fun crowd.

due to a ripping hangover, i opted to skip my run this morning and instead stick my head in vise. or at least, that's what it feels like now. i think i'm going to have to choose between my marathon and my alcoholism. this is going to be really tough.

reason #84857345 why i love new york

people randomly thrusting free shit at you on your way to work. love it.

this sounds like the WORST PORN EVER

from craigslist, stolen from defamer...

Want to Fuck a Reality Star - w4m - 22 Reply to: [redacted]@craigslist.org Date: 2005-11-16, 10:33PM PST
Former Reality Actress is looking for 30 guys for Porn. $100 pay - w4m

Beautiful reality actress from MTV Real World is doing her first independent porn. We are searching for 30 very good looking guys to be in video shoot. Must be very good looking, be in great shape, and have an extra large penis.

All guys that will be featured in the film will be in masks (think phantom of the opera eye masks), so strong jaw line, and pretty eyes are a must

Casting this Monday from 10pm-1am in Hollywood, shooting next weekend in

was hitler really time's '38 person of the year?

Time's (Doomed) Person of the Year

You know the drill. Every year it starts a little bit early: the press releases, the articles, the low level buzz—mostly amid the publicists who write the press releases and the reporters who dutifully recap them. Yes, it's Time's 'Person of Year' time again, and if the consensus mongers are to be believed, this year's 'winner' might be that bitch who's been ruining our lives since the new year.

No, not Paris Hilton: 'Mother Nature.'

But do we really want Mother Nature to win? So many past 'Person of the Year' recipients take an immediate turn south as soon as they win: What if the same fate befalls Mother Nature?

We'll selectively recap the last 78 years, accentuating the negative and eliminating the positive and you can decide for yourself:

· 2004: George W. Bush (Current approval rating: 37%.)

· 2003: The American Soldier (American military deaths since Bush's May 1, 2003 "Mission Accomplished" speech: 1,935.)

· 1994: Pope John Paul II (Deceased. Portrayed by Jon Voight.)

· 1980: Ronald Reagan (Deceased. Portrayed by James Brolin.)

· 1975: American Women (Alito boasted of his '85 work against abortion; Maureen Dowd's new book won't help her pick up guys.)

· 1972: Nixon and Kissinger (Former: Impeached. Resigned in disgrace. Deceased. Portrayed in an Oliver Stone movie. Latter: Gently mocked by Jon Stewart.)

· 1969: The Middle Americans (Post Election U.S. Map; What's the Matter with Kansas?)

· 1963: Martin Luther King, Jr. (Assassinated.)

· 1961: John Fitzgerald Kennedy (Assassinated.)

· 1952: Elizabeth II (Queen is target for al-Qaida, security sources confirm.)

· 1941/1949: Winston Churchill (Deceased. Is Bush the Churchill of the 21st Century?)

· 1939/ 1942: Joseph Stalin (Deceased. Posthumously condemned by Martin Amis.)

· 1938: Adolf Hitler (Suicide.)

· 1935: Haile Selassie (Deceased. Curiously beloved by fraternity members.)

· 1927: Charles Lindbergh (Deceased. Son kidnapped; Philip Roth foil.)

this goes BEYOND "fucked up"

Gynecologist convicted of raping patients
Thu Nov 17, 2005 11:22 AM ET

SEATTLE (Reuters) - A jury convicted a Seattle-area gynecologist on Wednesday of four counts of rape in the sexual assaults of two patients.

Charles Momah, 49, also faces civil lawsuits in which women claim that they were also sometimes deceived into being examined, operated on and sexually fondled by his twin, Dennis Momah, a general practitioner who is not certified in obstetrics and gynecology.

During Charles Momah's criminal trial, prosecutors said he sexually preyed on vulnerable, desperate women, many of whom had few other places to get gynecological care or were addicted to drugs.

In the trial, Momah testified that he did have sexual relations with two women in his practice but said the relationships were consensual.

He faces up to 16 years in prison after his conviction by a jury in King County Superior Court.

In the trial, attorneys for Momah asserted the women testifying against him weren't credible, saying one sought drugs from him and another extorted him.

Momah operated practices in the suburban cities of Federal Way and Burien, south of Seattle. The state Board of Health suspended his license in September 2003 after one patient, a main witness in his current criminal trial, reported that he raped her.

In the civil cases due to go to trial by the end of the year, the women assert that the two brothers, who are U.S. citizens born in Nigeria, sometimes switched identities and assaulted them.

On some occasions the doctor they believed to be Charles Momah was jovial and talkative with little accent. He bore certain scars and other physical characteristics.

On other visits, the man they thought was their doctor stuttered, had a heavy accent, and even appeared to be a different weight, the women claim. Neither Momah nor his brother could be contacted for comment.

um, i wonder what sort of "comment" they were looking for. maybe something like, "she was totally asking for it, lying on her back with her feet in those stirrups."

bad news

this was the last thing i needed in the wake of the arrested development fiasco. it is with a heavy heart that i inform you that sarah silverman: jesus is magic is getting lukewarm reviews. and by lukewarm, i mean bad.

i love sarah silverman. i want to be sarah silverman, when i grow up and talented. how is is possible that she could make a crappy film? the only course of action here is for me to reserve judgment until i see this potential train wreck for myself. next week. shall we say tuesday? who's with me? it's a date.

patsy found a doozy

oh, man... i don't even have balls and this nauseates me beyond belief...

amazon has, apparently, heard about my sense of direction

(for those of you just joining us, this is a selection from my amazon gold box, which is clearly shrooming.)

emily delivers The Man a swift kick to the cojones

go ahead. read it. and, ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourselves to vote Amick for president in 2036. (even kennedy didn't look this good in strapless):

more fun with death!

so, apparently there are tons of these life expectancy calculators online, and they don't all agree. msn says i'll live to be at least 102, but that i should drop 10 pounds. bbc is less optimistic and pegs me at 87.4 years. this guy gives me 94.87 years, and is pretty cool, because it gives you actual numbers with respect to how many years you can add to your life by making certain little lifestyle changes (apparently, i can add on a cool 3 months if i do all kinds of stupid things that i won't ever do). overall, i highly recommend this one, which gave me 89 years of kickin' it, but is fun because it draws adorable little cartoons of you swilling wine and lifting weights as you go along.

a fun little toy

this is a little quiz that tells you when you'll die. it's fun! and it taught me two interesting things:

1) i'm going to live to be 96.3 years old! and

2) i'm an alcoholic!

6. Alcohol consumption per week/day

Alcohol, consumed in the amount that you have indicated, can be toxic to your liver and your nervous system. For some, amounts such as this could mean you are addicted to alcohol. Ask yourself the following 4 questions, known as the CAGE questions: 1. Have you tried to CUT down on your drinking? 2. Are you ANNOYED with criticisms about drinking? 3. Do you sometimes feel GUILTY about drinking? And 4. Do you sometimes drink alcohol in the morning or as an "EYE-OPENER"? If you answer "yes" to at least 2 of these questions, there is a 75% chance that you are addicted to alcohol. On the other hand, if you answer yes to just one question or to none of them, there is a 96% chance that you are not. Having a problem with alcohol will shorten your health span and will certainly decrease your quality of life. Seeking assistance and treatment is critical.

Facts: Excessive alcohol is a toxin, which damages the liver and the mitochondria within most cells of the body. This leads to acceleration of aging and increased susceptibility to many diseases associated with aging. Moderate alcohol consumption has been associated with decreased heart disease risk. This may be one explanation for the "French paradox", in which the French are known for their love of high saturated fat foods, and yet their heart disease risks may be lower (except in the case of those who smoke cigarettes), perhaps because of the higher consumption of wine in that country. Refer to Alcoholics Anonymous [http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org/].

hey, i'm doing it for the kids. and where the hell's my martini? it's acolicious, aand im'' not dpgrunkl, sssos top looasking at me liike taht,

do your part: mail a banana to fox

you may be wondering why i have been dressing all in black lately. or why i was crying in the elevator yesterday. the latter was partly because of my boss, but the former is entirely because arrested development, the greatest invention of my lifetime (yes, even better than when al gore invented the internet), was... was... ugh, this is so hard. cancelled. i blame bush. rebecca dana of the new york observer blames everybody else.

anyway, as it turns out, this may not be the end. there is hope for those among us who will long for the subtle humor of the show's writers, the honeyed timbre of ron howard's luscious voice, and the chiseled physiques of uber-crushes jason bateman and will arnett, and for those who, um, want to be lucille bluth when we grow up. apparently, some truly dedicated (and truly awesome) fans are petitioning to keep the show on the air:

One group of fans has gathered a few thousand signatures to a stolidly worded online petition (“Whereas, the first season of Arrested Development was nominated for seven 2004 Emmy awards and won five … ”). Another is planning a mass banana-mailing, in reference to the Bluth family’s frozen banana stand, to Fox headquarters in Los Angeles as an expression of dismay. “They did the same thing last year,” said a network spokesperson.

so get out there, kids! clear out the produce aisle of fairway! make friends with the fruit guy on the corner! those bananas will be nice and ripe by the time they make it to hollywood! and remember: there's always money in the banana stand...

the Times articulates nicely what i could only describe as "stupid fucking president"

2 things make me sad about this fantastic staff editorial:

1) no one takes the Times seriously anymore, and

2) the only people reading this are those who already agree with it. nevertheless, you should read it. especially if you are a stupid goddamn republican.

paris put a black woman on the news

yeah... that'll probably settle those pesky riots...

new jersey - not as bad as it smells

In New Jersey slogan search, everyone's a comedian
Wed Nov 16, 2005 9:07 AM ET

PHILADELPHIA (Reuters) - New Jersey, long trying to overcome its reputation for mobsters, air-choking traffic and toxic waste dumps, asked the public for a new image-boosting slogan and found some of its people share the same sardonic outlook as its detractors.

The public appeal yielded almost 6,200 entries before a deadline on Monday.

Though 90 percent of the submissions were sincere attempts to rescue the state's reputation, some perpetuated the image that marketers are trying to shrug off, state officials said.

Political corruption, a major theme in the governor's race won earlier this month by Democratic U.S. Senator Jon Corzine, was a favorite target.

"Sold to Corzine" said one, referring to the millions used by the former Wall Street executive to finance his campaign. Among the others were "New Jersey: We can always use another relative on the payroll," and "Why should death end your voting rights?"

Others seized on the state's pollution problems, with the entries: "Come to New Jersey -- it's not as bad as it smells," and "Toxic waste for all!"

The submissions will be whittled down to a handful in coming weeks and put out again for public approval. Acting Gov. Richard Codey expects to announce the winner by the time he leaves office in January.

The public consultation follows official rejection of a slogan for which the state paid image consultants Lippincott Mercer $260,000. That line: "New Jersey: We'll win you over," was scrapped the day before it was due to be unveiled because Codey thought it implied "that the state has something to prove," said Sean Darcy, a spokesman for the governor.

The state's marketing people are currently using "Get Away, Without Going Far Away," but tourism experts see that as unappealing to out-of-state markets.

On the state's Web site, Codey said slogan ideas were overwhelmingly positive. "Your home state means a lot to you, and you know all the things that make it such a special place," he said.

One writer seemed to recognize that it could be worse, offering: "New Jersey: Hey, at least it's not West Virginia!"

oh, but i beg to differ

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.
- Sacha Guitry

about the only thing that could make today worse than yesterday

survey

i'm taking a poll: leftover chinese from last thursday. still good, right?

your first new york doctor's appointment

imagine this: you're on your way for your first appointment with your new doctor. you don't really know what to expect. you find the building (which has a very midtown address, so you give the guy some credit), and it looks like this:

"that doesn't look like an office building to me," you think, "but ok, i guess it makes sense for doctors' offices to be in unusual places in a city like this one. sure, this is totally normal."

you go inside, sign into what appears to be an apartment building's visitor log, and find the "suite" you're looking for. you turn the handle and walk in to see something like this:

"well..." you say to yourself, "big waiting rooms and good light fixtures must be expensive. i suppose i'd rather have him spending his money on proper certifications and good, sanitary equipment."

you fill out a form that looks like it was mimeographed on one of those crappy ditto machines that printed your elementary school worksheets. you know, with the patchy purple ink and the fixed-width font with huge serifs. you wait for way too long. there is some dude who may or may not be homeless sitting across from you, napping. by this point, you are thinking, "hey, i'm young and healthy. who really needs a doctor? a bunch of quacks, they are," and just as you're getting up to leave in a huff, Dr. Strangeoffice pokes his head out of the (also poorly lit) office and says he'll see you now. what do you do?

a) prance on in like the imp you are

b) turn and run the hell in the other direction

c) inform him (truthfully) that your "one-hour lunch break" is now approaching two full hours, and when you are fired from your job, your insurance will no longer pay for your visit, so you should really probably go.

if you liked that maggot-brain post, you'll like this one.

um... ew.

Ants eat away woman's eye in hospital
Tue Nov 15, 2005 10:26 AM ET

KOLKATA, India (Reuters) - A woman receiving treatment for diabetes at a state-run hospital in eastern India lost one of her eyes after ants nibbled away at it, officials said on Tuesday.

The patient recovering from a post-surgery infection shrieked for help as the ants attacked her on Sunday night, but nurses told her it was normal to feel pain from the infection.

On Monday, the patient's family saw a gaping hole with swarming ants in it when they lifted the bandage on her left eye.

Authorities of the Sambhunath Hospital in Kolkata said they were probing the incident.

"It's not uncommon for ants to attack diabetic patients. We have set up a committee to investigate the unfortunate incident," hospital superintendent A. Adhikary said.

Scampering rats and stray cats and dogs sharing bed space with patients are not uncommon sights at India's overcrowded state-run hospitals that are used by millions of poor and middle-class people.

i think the word you're looking for, is AWESOME

Nursing home keeps spirits up with own pub
Mon Nov 14, 2005 1:15 PM ET

DUBLIN (Reuters) - A nursing home in Ireland has hit on a cheering way to keep up the spirits of its elderly patients -- by providing its own pub.

St Mary's Hospital in County Monaghan, near the Irish border with Northern Ireland, believes ready access to a good pint may help its patients -- average age 85 -- actually live longer.

"We would say the whole social aspect of life does extend the years -- it means the patients aren't bored to death," Rose Mooney, assistant director of nursing told Reuters.

The pub, which opens at 11 a.m. and closes at 9 p.m. and charges normal bar prices, had also led to an increase in the number of visitors, she said.

Having its own bar made the hospital, which has around 140 patients, unique in Ireland, she added.

the crimson gives you the green light to have all the sex you want, with lifestyles condoms

i, on the other hand, think you're a sinner.

stefano gabbana understands the importance of spreading AIDS awareness

DESIGNERS are such a competitive lot that it took a decade and the coaxing of Anna Wintour, the editor in chief of Vogue, to unite the fashion industry behind a campaign to heighten AIDS awareness by offering steep discounts on their clothes.
...
"I love sex," he said. "Love, love sex. But we need to tell people to be really careful."

this just in: harry potter is HOT

ok, so he's still young. but listen up, kids, because you heard it here first: harry potter is growing into a hot hot HOTTIE. give him 2 years to hotness, 3 to 7 years of hotness, and then a lifetime of disappointed and awkward - and potentially ugly - pitifulness (pity? pooty?).

KATE MOSS EXCLUSIVE: HER SEX STALKER IS ON THE RUN

from yesterday's Daily Mirror:

Police warn he is 'addicted' to model Fears for Kate as stalker is hunted
By Stephen Moyes
KATE Moss has been warned a sex-crazed stalker obsessed with her is on the loose.

ummm... there's only one sex-crazed stalker obsessed with kate moss? if true, that might be news. i am skeptical.

One Well-Read Home Has Some New Pets: 1,082 Penguins

this headline from today's Times is the biggest tease ever. the article is about a family that has a lot of Penguin BOOKS.

you'd cry too if you got camera-raped everywhere you went

and now, the moment you've all been waiting for...

...the DC weekend recap! here goes:

before this weekend, i had been to washington once, on an eighth grade class trip. needless to say, this experience was a bit different than that one (although there were some odd similarities; namely, i was called a butthead on the bus down to washington on both trips). anyway, one thing that made this trip unique in my experience was the manner in which Traveling Companion and i were greeted upon our arrival: with a house party and copious amounts of alcohol (which, given the circumstances, was a very good thing). we indulged in an inappropriate number of tequila shots before making our staggery way to a frat-house-like bar in adams morgan (a frat-house-like area of washington, not too far from where my hosts live). too many hours of dancing were followed by too few hours of sleeping, which was fine by me.

i dragged myself out of (very comfortable, double) bed saturday afternoon to make my way (solo!) around the city and reunite with some awesome friends of whom i don't see nearly enough. and - as an added bonus - ran into New York Friend Also Visiting For The Weekend (random! and awesome!). the whole time, i couldn't help but feel like i was walking around a cartoon of a city (in a good way), with its cutesy landmarks (dupont circle), mind-blowing efficiency (the metro) and obsessive-compulsive cleanliness (um, pretty much everywhere). i had a delightful(ly cheap!) thai lunch with Law School Lady and coffee with Funpredictable Friend.

saturday night, we walked (apparently) through a time warp to a school friend's (theirs, not mine) surprise birthday party. the theme was High School Prom, but i think they did a spanking job of recreating the awkward-ugly vibe of College Room Party. the music was excellent, the ambience was unsettling, and i was not nearly drunk enough. stumbled back to the house and crashed.

i had another New Yorker moment on the train ride home; when someone actually shushed me, i got completely disproportionately mad and loudly threatened to "open up a can of whoop-ass". i know, i'm all talk. but they didn't shush me anymore.

overall weekend review: four thumbs up! my hosts were gracious and wonderful (and excellent cooks!), their house and neighborhood are jealousy-stokingly gorgeous, and i got to see an adorable pocket of america. next stop: dallas?

oh, hell no.

rock on, my meaty, pigskin-petting, sweatmonkeys

no need for any commentary on this one

November 14, 2005 -- RAPPERS Lil' Jon and Ice-T may hawk their own energy drinks, but Snoop Dogg (above) hopes to upstage them both with his new line of hot dogs. The laid-back hip-hopper has lent his name to "Foot Long Snoop Doggs," which will feature a wrapper that bears Snoop's likeness, reports aversion.com, which notes, "If Snoop Doggs take off, expect a line of J. Lo's huge buns to surface in the near future."

...except, of course, to wonder with hopeful anticipation whether freshdirect will carry snoop's doggs.

a confession

sometimes, i deliberately print the wrong document... just so i can shred it.

it's the little things in life...

...like playing with the paper shredder!

don't knock it til you've tried it. besides, this thing is at least as powerful as my old station wagon.

gaaaaaaaaaaa

so, i'm back (yay! - and more on that later) and i want to go to bed now but my shoulder is making this VERY LOUD and VERY WEIRD popping noise! like popcorn! and although i enjoy popcorn (mmmmmm....... popcorn........), i do not eat my shoulder, no matter how buttery delicious it is. i am scared!!

digitizer does d.c.

it's like debbie does dallas, only with less actual sex and more drunken frat boys trying to figure out how to get it.

so far, the weekend has been a screaming success (with about a 30-minute-or-so interval of not-so-hot-ness), and i am developing a real fondness for our nation's capital. ironically, i have never felt more like a new yorker. in this little pocket of southern-influenced northernness, i realized that i have adopted the New York Walk, which is to say that i stride quickly and loudly, importantly and angrily, as if i actually had somewhere to be (i don't).

you will also be proud to hear that i seem to have cultivated something akin to a sense of direction. i navigated parts of the city all by myself (following very specific, step-by-step directions) and didn't get lost!

all told, i have learned a lot thus far in my one day here. e.g., you might think drinking an absurd amount of tequila will help you deal better with awkward situations. in fact, drinking so much that you see six aylas will only make you blurt out things like, "THIS IS SO AWKWARD!" very loudly, within easy earshot of the enawkwarder.

too good to not steal from gawker

seems apt enough, no?

She had a pretty gift for quotation, which is a serviceable substitute for wit.
- W. Somerset Maugham

ok, amazon, now i'm starting to get offended.

longest. day. ever.

i have been up since 5:00. yeeeeah.

so, in brief, last night's weekly happy hour menu, prepared and hosted by you-know-whos:

home-style sangria
salade frisee with our vinaigrette speciale (because "salad" sounded boring)
creamy garlic pasta with mushrooms and prosciutto
homemade (how else?) cranberry-white chocolate-gingerbread cookies
strawberries
heaps of love
a pocket full of sunshine

all bestowed upon a very exclusive list of very special people.

another fabulous quote, overheard

"Some people are like Slinkies: not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs."

my emily, kicking ass and taking names

so, as you probably know, i love maureen dowd almost as much as smoked gouda. but - relax! - i do see the shortcomings of her most recent Times piece. but my girl emily articulates them way better than i could. read.

that is the saggiest neck i've ever seen

but on the upside, i hear britney is losing the baby weight

from today's article in the Times, "Kansas Board Approves Challenges to Evolution":

"This is a sad day, not just for Kansas kids, but for Kansas," Janet Waugh of Kansas City, Kan., one of four dissenting board members, said before the vote. "We're becoming a laughingstock not only of the nation but of the world."

to which i say, what the hell did you expect when you moved to fucking kansas?

have i told you lately how much i love the catholics?

Catholic magazine apologizes for naked rear
Tue Nov 8, 2005 11:43 AM ET

ROME (Reuters) - One of Italy's most popular magazines, the wholesome Famiglia Cristiana weekly, will apologize to its readers for printing an advertisement which showed a woman's naked bottom, the magazine said Tuesday.

The advert caused a storm as it was the first time the Catholic magazine, whose title means "Christian Family," had shown nudity, a common feature in many non-religious magazines in Italy in both advertising and editorial content.

"Modesty and chastity are important values for us and we are not giving them up," editor Antonio Sciortino wrote in a message apologizing to readers to be published in the next issue which goes on sale Wednesday.

The advert, for a maker of ventilation machines, shows a naked bottom through a misty glass shower door. "If you want to see clearly, call an electrician now," reads the text.

Sciortino initially defended the magazine's decision to run the advert but backed down after complaints from readers.

apologize?! i'm sorry, FC, but "sorry" doesn't take away the ass imprint that has been seared into my memory, thereby erasing the erstwhile purity of my soul and damning me to an eternity in hell. thanks a lot. jerks.

seriously, amazon, lay off the crack

you know i like the little ones, but...

there is an (extremely slanted) article in the Times today about coffee shops that kick out parents with disruptive children. i gotta say, it's a slant i'm ok with:

"The looks I would get when I went in there made me so nervous that I would try to buy the food as fast as I could and get out," said Laura Brauer, 40, who has stopped visiting A Taste of Heaven with her two children. "I think that the mothers who allow their kids to run around and scream, that's wrong, but kids scream and there is nothing you can do about it. What are we supposed to do, not enjoy ourselves at a cafe?"

exactly. why should we have to have our coffee with a side of migraine, just because your birth control patch came off when you were trying on those jeans at bloomie's? keep 'em quiet or get 'em away from my scone.

all this for disposible razors and enfamil?

for my part, but no amount of "shoplifter perks" would counteract the chance of getting caught walking out of duane reade with a pocketful of preparation H.

more quotes, courtesy of google

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
- Steven Wright

It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information.
- Oscar Wilde

in case you were wondering what's so great about the onion

i bestow upon you the highlights from the most recent edition:

Unfazed Karl Rove Leaks Valerie Plame's Age, Weight

'Scooter' Libby Wishes He'd Ditched Nickname Before Media Coverage

New Custard Could Cause Worldwide Flandemic

Iraqi Constitution Ratified, Burned

and i highly - highly - recommend you check out the "american voices" section, which is reliably the best part and (oh joy unbounded!) gets updated every day.

last but not least, i am not sure how i feel about this new gun lawsuit legislation. because bush agrees with it, i tend to think it's stupid, but i'm not sure yet. in any case, the onion's take on it is priceless. enjoy:

it's getting around faster than your mom

apparently, it's contagious. patsy is sick too!

let me rephrase: patsy is home sick, watching episodes of the gilmore girls in bed. i, on the other hand, being new to my job and having amassed no sick days as of yet, am at work, propping myself up on my elbows and waiting for my office to stop spinning beneath me.

fuck you, patsy. fuck you.

*whine*

i'm sick. i haven't been sick in over a year. in fact, i remember the exact date (in late September, 2004) because it was beautifully exactly one week before (the first time) i took the lsat. today, for the first time in a long time, i slept in and didn't run or lift before work. waaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

i thought i was invincible, but i guess i'm not. this is devastating information.

it's called natural selection, people

Three die playing catch with grenade
Mon Nov 7, 2005 11:27 AM ET

BANJA LUKA, Bosnia (Reuters) - A hand grenade being used instead of a ball in a game of catch exploded early on Saturday killing three youths in this Bosnian town, police and news agencies said.

Two youths aged 19 and 20, one of them from neighboring Croatia, were killed instantly while a 20-year-old woman died on her way to hospital, police said. Her sister was slightly injured but two other youths suffered serious injuries.

The blast occurred at 2:00 a.m. in the western town of Novi Grad at a place in the town center frequented by youngsters. Police said an inquiry was under way and declined further comment. It was not clear why the grenade exploded.

ONASA news agency quoted witnesses as saying the youths tossed the hand grenade to each other before it exploded in the hands of one of them.

Bosnia is awash with illegal weapons left over from the 1992-95 war and tragic incidents are frequent despite several successful campaigns by international peacekeepers and police to get people to hand over illegal weapons.

point

i have to say, one arguably good thing the muslim fundamentalists have done is to bump catholics down to the number two spot on the list of religious groups who freak me out.

thanks, amazon. i'll put it in my spacious garden.

the problems with working the finish line

i must have missed this guy at the end of the race. too bad.

q: julie, how was your weekend?

a: i'm so glad you asked! it was AWESOME. now, you know i'm not usually one to ramble on in my blog about the events of my pageturner of a life, but i haven't blogged in several days, and i feel like i owe you, my loyal readers, many lines of text to make up for my delinquence. read on for details:

friday was cheap and delicious sushi in tribeca and then the birthday party of one of those ubiquitous friend-of-a-friend types; accordingly, the Ladies Who Lunch (which, now that i think about it, is like the dumbest name ever, since we almost never have lunch together, but whatever) moseyed on down to the lower east side. after a few potent cocktails at People (which I moderately recommend), four of us found ourselves tearing up the dance floor around the corner at Libation (which i heartily recommend, if you can get in the door, which we only managed to do because i brought along my beautiful wife). It's kind of a strange place, and very new, but in our multi-hour romp there, we managed to snag a mystery drink off of the bar and - almost - made it up to the roof. or attic. whatever was up that dark staircase. anyway. on to...

SATURDAY! morning, nursed the hangover of a lifetime with SUPER cheap and delicious dim sum. my first dim sum experience, and i think i'm in love. afterwards, spent an afternoon with a very good friend who was dealing with the news that her ex-asshole is even more of a douchebag than we ever expected. we went and got our hair done. (fyi: the curls are gone! GONE!!! it's weird but wonderful) we a-trained it back up to my place where we indulged in back-to-back episodes of sex and the city and baking cookies.

last but not least, on sunday afternoon, i volunteered at the new york city marathon. i was really excited for it, but i apparently picked the shittiest job you can get and was really bored most of the time. but i got a free bright orange poncho! back home, the wife and i tried a new cookie recipe. we brought the dough - along with a rented copy of thelma and louise - back down to tribeca for a chick-flick-and-cookie night in with the ladies. although my domestically disturbed downtown friends lack a baking sheet, we improvised with the broiling pan and did just fine. there was also much wine. natch.

so chew on that.

ass-tastic

do you ever feel like nobody likes you? like you can't do anything right and everyone is just sick of your bullshit?

well, for most people, those feelings of worthlessness are in their heads. depression, the blues, whatever you want to call it. but for one man, they are absolutely and completely legitimate.

overheard travels back to the '70's

i'm with the professor here...

Professor guy: Why did you decided to take this class?
Student guy: Because I heard you were groovy.
Professor guy: I do not know what this "groovy" is.

oh, amazon. how did you know?

this is just a day of great news all around!

this one's courtesy of the wife. enjoy...

i can't believe i threw out my cigarettes and chocolate so fast... you bitches told me i was doing myself a favor!

Chocolate May Help Smokers' Blood Vessels

this totally justifies the two daiquiris i threw back at breakfast

Have a drink and solve a weighty problem
By Jacqueline Maley Medical Reporter
November 3, 2005

Drinking alcohol before a meal may help keep the fat away, according to new research which contradicts the popularly held view that alcohol contributes to obesity.

"If you have a pre-dinner drink - beer, wine or spirits - it tends to reduce the blood-sugar response to the next meal," said Professor Jennie Brand-Miller, a renowned expert on the glycaemic index who announced her findings yesterday.

The research, discussed at the launch of a weight-loss product targeted at men, may explain why alcohol helps fend off cardiovascular disease. "We know alcohol tends to increase levels of your good cholesterol," said Professor Brand-Miller, from the school of human nutrition at the University of Sydney. "But that only explains about half the [protective] effect."

Professor Brand-Miller's research, which will be presented at a Nutrition Society of Australia meeting this month, involved three studies of 38 young, lean people with an average age of 22. The subjects drank about an hour before eating, quaffing beer, wine, spirits and water in random order. Their blood-sugar and insulin levels were measured afterwards.

The alcohol seemed to produce a "priming" effect, kicking off the metabolism process and keeping blood-sugar levels low as the meal was consumed. As a toxin, alcohol is burned with great urgency by the body, and this urgency seemed to transfer to food consumed two to three hours after drinking.

"The lower the rise in blood sugar, the better your health," Professor Brand-Miller said. As well as fighting fat, the effects of the alcohol could be beneficial to those at risk of Type 2 diabetes, or about one in four Australians, she said. These people have high blood-sugar levels, which can harm organs including the heart, the eyes, the kidney and nervous tissue.

Professor Stephan Rossner, a director of an obesity research program at Luddinge Hospital in Stockholm, said the initial research results were fascinating.

"Alcohol has a thermogenic effect. It speeds up the metabolism of the body," he said.

Alcohol was associated with weight gain because people tended to lose control when drinking, and eat fatty foods, Professor Rossner said.

for anyone who - for whatever reason - doesn't read defamer

Lohan And Leto Kill John Lennon

Confident that she’s honed her acting chops sharper than a coke-flecked razor blade on the whetstone of Herbie: Fully Loaded and fifteen minutes on the set of Robert Altman’s A Prairie Home Companion, Lindsay Lohan accepts her greatest challenge yet: trying to remember her lines while staring into Jared Leto’s pretty, vacant eyes. According to today’s Variety, Lohan has signed on to star opposite rumored real-life hump-buddy Leto in Chapter 27, a film about the murder of John Lennon. Leto will channel Lennon assassin Mark David Chapman, while Lohan plays a Lennon fan who gets friendly with Chapman right before he kills the pop icon. The pairing should make for some fascinating conversation on the shoot, with Leto reclining in his trailer, idly strumming a guitar, and musing, “Like, I’m a musician? So I totally understand what it’s like to have all these people love you, and, like, have one jealous dude who wants to kill you? I can connect with that. So, like, I’m coming at this from both sides. It’s a total mindfuck.” To which Lohan will coo, “Totally, baby. Um, also, you’re laying on my hair?”

favorite quote so far today

"social grace? who needs that when you can have my awesome hair instead?"
- said by one anonymous friend, in reference to anonymous fashion victim

it's a funny thing.

it's funny how the sudden and thorough exposure of one person's ugly true colors can make another person's flaws seem much less egregious, especially when the other person seems really removed from the here and now. i was talking to a friend the other day about her most recent ex-boyfriend, and how now, after breaking up with him and realizing what a stupid-ass twat he really was, she almost can't remember what was wrong with the one before him. knamean?

overhearing

the trouble with sites like www.overheardinnewyork.com and www.overheardintheoffice.com is, i read these supposedly hysterical exchanges that these supposedly stupid people are having and i think, "that sounds like something i would say."

celebrity sighting

yesterday, on my way home from work, i saw prince charles strutting around near moma. i thought, "that guy sure looks like prince charles." then i thought, "julie, you're such a tard. prince charles wouldn't be here. he wouldn't be walking around by himself. he wouldn't be passing unnoticed through the throng of people shoving around 5th avenue on their way home from work. don't be such a stupid idiot, idiot."

this morning, after i finished drying my tears from my internal tirade, i loaded up gawker -- as one tends to do -- and learned that, lo and behold, good ole chuckie and cammie were indeed at moma yesterday!!

conclusion: i am awesome. and i am not an idiot.

please try not to piss me off, because i have

THE WORST CRAMPS ANYONE HAS EVER HAD, ANYWHERE, EVER, IN THE WORLD

last night's menu, because i'm proud of us

because we like entertaining so much, my lovely roommate/wife and i had a couple of friends over for dinner last night. here is what we served:

to warm up: cosmos, served in wine glasses because we haven't yet gotten around to exchanging the set of broken martini glasses we got from century 21

main course: homemade chili with homemade cornbread, which i accidentally burned to a disgusting crisp. but the chili was good.

dessert (the best part): homemade OREO BREAD with HOMEMADE NUTELLA, homemade pumpkin butter and whipped cream... from a can.

all accompanied by a surprisingly good red wine that amelia brought.

and then we did whippets, like the indians before us, using every part of our whipped-cream buffalo.

from the same article

wasn't this in the "arrested development" episode about "girls with low self-esteem"?

"When he first started, everyone was like: Why are you doing this? What's special about me? What's special about this party?" said Ms. Gallant, who was featured in the first set of provocative photos Mr. Bronques posted to the site in 2004. "Now the people who are photographed a lot have come to believe that they really are special. It's validating."

there are some things for which i must be paid

Once inside, guests behaved appropriately: spanking one another, flexing their tongues, baring their breasts and generally carrying on as if they were auditioning for a "Girls Gone Wild" video. Which in a sense they were; quietly sipping a cocktail is not going to land anyone a feature spot on the Web site, http://www.lastnightsparty.com/, an R-rated photographic chronicle of the downtown demimonde that has become as desirable a showcase for club kids as the pages of W magazine are to Park Avenue socialites.

clarification

um... so... you people all seem to be confused. bush's supreme court nominee is nicknamed "Scalito", which is Spanish for "little Scalo". ok?

jessica simpson got therapy

and she says it's because of the constant speculation about her relationship (which, obviously, is over) with Hottie McHotMan, nick lachey.

funny. i would have thought she'd need more help dealing with the constant speculation over whether she should be eligible to use handicapped parking spaces.

well, THAT'S a relief.

go ahead. click it. i dare you.

someone at amazon is definitely fucking with me

do you know what a rotten green pepper tastes like?

i do.

maybe he should see a beard trimmer, too.

"Dr. Meir Stampfer of the Harvard
School of Public Health sees big
differences around the world in rates
of breast, prostate and colon cancer."

um... ew.

Then, about five years ago, Mr. Knudson had a colonoscopy. Mr. Knudson had polyps, lots of them.

"I remember my gastroenterologist, when he was doing it, said, 'Well, you're a regular polyp farm,' " Mr. Knudson said.

this sounds nice, but...

...they have no business-class lounge at JFK!!!! where am i supposed to wait while i'm having my tiara shined?

but, if you are are the kind of person who likes to shell out $5k for flight to london - which, fyi, they seem to think is a bargain - you get some pretty comfy accommodations:

Each seat, which extends into a 78-inch-long lie-flat bed, has 21 square feet of space, including an ottoman where a visitor can perch for conversation. The Eos food and service is also as good as or better than the standards of top-shelf competitors.

finally, my gold box gives me something i can use...

...a naked man!