Thursday, September 03, 2009

recipe for a delicious breakfast

what's that? you want to try the fabulous breakfast that i had this morning? no problem; i'm never shy about sharing recipes:
Ingredients:
  • one egg
  • 1 t butter
  • one slice of wheat bread
  • one slice bright orange american "cheese"
  • hot sauce (optional)
Directions:

melt butter in pan. place cheese on bread and put in toaster oven to toast. while toast is toasting, crack egg in pan and fry, sunny side up. remove bread (with layer of semi-melted cheese) from toaster oven. place egg, yolk side down, on top. sprinkle with hot sauce to taste. eat a couple of bites. smash plate and contents (including sticky egg yolk) on floor of your new kitchen. look down and observe blood streaming down your leg. screech in frustration. cry.
bon appétit!

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

why i love dan savage, part MCLXVIII

he only ever prints messages from the haters, never from those of us who adore him. nonetheless, i give you what might be his finest work to date:
From: pz99999@XXXXXX.XXX
To: Dan Savage
Sent: Tue, Sep 1, 2009 7:38 PM
Subject: you are the savage love guy, small world

Dan,

There is a local paper in St. Louis, MO called the River Front Times. I use it to start my bar-b-que coals. And I sometimes read a section called the Savage love just to see what new levels of depravity you will stoop to. I was watching MSNBC fascist propaganda this evening and I saw you on there with Olberman that nasty little man.

I got news for you, you can believe your own baloney but people are pissed off at the democrats and also the republicans. Your an idiot, if you can't fuck it you are not interested so I won't try and explain how Obama is a continuation of the progressive fascist movement of the early 20th century. Yes fascist you retard, fascism is a product of the left not the right. Nazis were what, "National SOCIALISTS" You dummies are talking about the protesters because you are afraid of them and rightly so. They are going to throw this government out of office one way or another. You don't understand people that will die for their principles because you hold nothing sacred. There a a lot of us that are not religious but we respect those nice people that you scorn. I wouldn't give a squirt of Olberman's leaking piss for anything thing you say or write. You are a nasty little man, a pathetic loser that makes his living talking about pac king fudge. Your disgusting.

From: Dan Savage
To: pz99999@XXXXXX.XXX
Sent: Tue, Sep 1, 2009 7:41 PM
Subject: Re: you are the savage love guy, small world

"you're disgusting."

dan

From: pz99999@XXXXXX.XXX
To: Dan Savage
Sent: September 2, 2009 4:25 AM
Subject: Re: you are the savage love guy, small world

that is a ironic coming from you! I don't fault you for being different but you are bitter like an old woman. You attack everything good and descent because it damns you. You are a pustule of the first order. Keep spouting your crap because you are lighting a nation on fire that will take it back from you nasty little fascists.

From: Dan Savage
To: pz99999@XXXXXX.XXX
Sent: Wed, Sep 2, 2009 9:30 AM
Subject: Re: you are the savage love guy, small world

"decent."

dan

From: pz99999@XXXXXX.XXX
To: Dan Savage
Sent: September 2, 2009 9:54 AM
Subject: Re: you are the savage love guy, small world

well you got the picture.

From: Dan Savage
To: pz99999@XXXXXX.XXX
Sent: Wed, Sep 2, 2009 10:10 AM
Subject: Re: you are the savage love guy, small world

"well, you got the picture."

unless you're trying to sound like Yoda: "Well you got the picture, young Skywalker."

dan

From: pz99999@XXXXXX.XXX
To: Dan Savage
Sent: September 2, 2009 10:18 AM
Subject: Re: you are the savage love guy, small world

your wonderful. the earth revolves around you. you make me wet.

From: Dan Savage
To: pz99999@XXXXXX.XXX
Sent: September 2, 2009 10:24 AM
Subject: Re: you are the savage love guy, small world

"you're wonderful."

xo
dan

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

more mysterious facebook ads

seriously, mark zuckerberg? jew from brooklyn --> avid hunter?

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, June 29, 2009

oh please oh please oh please let this be true

John Edwards’ sex tape rumor - THE WEEK

today in unfortunate arbitrary name selections

i've been getting a lot of wedding- and bachelorette-related facebook ads lately, and i sometimes find myself clicking through the cheesy schlock they're pushing. i think the "mrs. so-and-so" shirts might be kind of funny when worn ironically, but i'm still on the fence about that. anyway, this caught my eye:do you think tlc is getting a cut of the profits? or is this just the product of a wishful fan with a bedazzler?

(note: i'm not even going to discuss the fact that it's called a "burnout tunic", as i think that fact speaks for itself.)

Friday, June 26, 2009

question of the day

what's better: isolated thunderstorms, or scattered thunderstorms? as the kids say: FML.
so, michael jackson is dead and it's all anyone can talk about. sad as i am to see such a legend leave us, i would like to point out that the world has not stopped turning, and lots of other conversation-worthy things are still happening. to wit:
in conclusion, MJ, the world will miss you, but we won't run out of things to talk about without you around - acting crazy, molesting little boys, and trying to make us forget about when you were great. rest in peace.

Monday, May 18, 2009

chatting with my sister

(as one does):
Elizabeth: mom just told me something funny
she said that when she was looking for furniture for florida
she wanted to get it from hooker furniture
so she googled hooker

Sunday, May 17, 2009

auto-tune the news

if you haven't seen this, you are either old or amish, but in the interest of completeness, i bring you auto-tune the news:
i disagree with freewilliamsburg and do not think this is the best of the bunch, but it's not bad. stick with it at least through 2:00, when hillary comes in. is there anything that woman can't do? i mean, besides win a democratic primary.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

the other sexy george


and lots of other cute, quirky and clever images over at "inspire me, now!" worth checking out.

deep in the magic underwear of new hampshire

becca and i are planning a party in honor of our 13-year anniversary/the bat mitzvah of our bat mitzvah. it's a strictly A-list event, as you can imagine, so don't take it too personally if you don't get the invite. it just means you're not awesome enough to party with us.

anyhoodle, we are in the early stages of designing and drafting the aforementioned invite, and i wanted to include some of the lyrics from our (very jewish) camp song.
deep in the hills of new hampshire, under a cloudy sky
stands our camp young judaea, whose spirit will never die
she tries to instill in us the spirit of pioneers
which symbolizes the hope of the future years*

(lots of lines i can't remember)

we treasure the friendships we've made here, we're true to the blue and white
deep in the hills of new hampshire, the lamp of the future burns bright
* no, it's not just you. this makes no sense.

knowing it was a longshot, i typed one line of the lyrics that i remembered into Google, and got one hit: the mormon church.


(i cannot emphasize this enough: i am NOT kidding.)

what do these things have in common?

"hermione fuck"
"WHAT IS GETTING PORKED"
"hairy hunk blogspot.com"

(answer will be revealed later this week)

UPDATE: the answer! all of the above are search terms that have led interwebs-savvy computer users to my humble blog. new additions are "getting porked" (x2!), "detox fail", and "Bible Affirmation Alarm Clock".

eye candy

because it is, again, just one of those days. you're welcome:

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

twitter? i hardly knew her.

yes, i recognize the silly redundancy of blogging about news stories that are about twitter. that said, there is a lot of interesting/ridiculous shit going on in the twitterverse that you should know about. particularly entertaining is watching old people - the news media, politicians, my friend jared - try to "get" what it's all about and understand the (extraordinarily simple) nuts and bolts of how twitter actually works. of interest:

Friday, May 08, 2009

scratch that -

this one is better:

i love this ad

but i can't say i understand it. first of all, what about my facebook account causes content-sensitive advertising to point to anger management? is it because i took the "which celebrity should you marry" quiz? actually, it might be that - or, the result that i should marry johnny depp.

but seriously - who is this woman supposed to be? is she the recovered rage-a-holic? or is she the loved one that i'm hurting? if so, why doesn't she have visible bruises?