top 10 things that are - at this moment - totally rocking my world

1) middle school-era green day on my ipod

2) the wife coming home tonight

3) the fact that my dreams have come true in the form of a gawker commenter invite

4) being home with daylight to spare (and as such, loving my evp more than ever)

5) karaoke tonight - SOLID

6) the nields on my ipod

7) my kitchen is stocked, courtesy of the wife's midweek drop-in

8) tomorrow night at b-bar and the prospect of a freewheeling, footloose 2006

9) awesomely bad country music on my ipod

10) the preview for thank you for smoking, which looks awesome

16-year-old rich kid defies darwin

everyone's talking about this prep school crackhead who thought it would be a good idea to just mosey on over to iraq, to "see what it's like" there. no, he doesn't speak any arabic. no, he had no "war zone" experience. he's on his way home now, and everyone sounds pretty relieved, illustrating two facts:

1) the tard has too much money and

2) natural selection isn't perfect.

a dude like this really should have removed himself from the gene pool already.

my oatmeal tasted funny today

87% Correct: Eminem

Once in a while the heavens conspire to create someone truly great. In the rap world, it was Eminem. In the realm of pop-culture, it was none other than you. With a score approaching 100%, you’ve proven your mastery of the mainstream. Don’t horde your formidable pop-culture skills—start a blog and share them with the world. Congrats!

Compared to others...

97% less savvy than you — 1% as savvy as you — 1% more savvy than you

YEAH i am.

once i realized that reading up on Crazy all day was probably not the best idea, i came up with something even better: personality tests.

the contents of my head

1) someone found this blog by googling "black mom family fuck". i have nothing to say about that.

2) a quote, that reminded me of many of my luminous friends:

"a witty woman is a treasure; a witty beauty is a power."
- george meredith

(you know who you are.)

3) no one is reading this this week, which is largely why i haven't been writing. you assholes are all home on vacation, wearing sweaters and drinking egg nog by the fire with golden retrievers curled up at your feet and a fat jolly dude bringing you shit. you can all blow me.

4) i got an e-mail from a friend who happened to stumble upon my blog, and he says:

Also, apparently you've started a blog which you're updating daily. This freaked me and [g-nuts] out a bit, since most of the people that we know who blog regularly are complete psychos, so we hope that you haven't gone off the deep end. If you have lost your marbles, we can probably live with it, just don't try to kill us.

beware, mr. mcbain. i'm coming for you.

5) this being the slowest day ever, i decided instead to make it extremely emotionally draining for myself and have spent the last few nothing-real-to-do hours researching the doings of Crazy, ex with whom i am not exactly on speaking terms but about whom i find myself thinking more than i would like to admit, and who seems to be starting up what could be an outrageously successful and public career.

6) sigh.

sadly, the "kate moss" doll doesn't come with her own blow

with due credit to grace for finding this gem, i declare that this thing is the most fun i've had online since i discovered the flash games on the sanrio website about ten years ago. i just spent most of my lunch break dressing up 50 cent and making over angelina jolie. i suspect any potential productivity in my future is now a lost cause. totally check it out.

but on your way out, click on my ads.

amen, buck henry.

We need a president who's fluent in at least one language.
- Buck Henry

"kyle" is not alone

here i was, thinking that friendster "kyle" really liked me. i thought he wanted to "get freaky". i thought i was the only one.

how wrong i was.

alas.

now, "cory" is trying to sing me the same seductive tune. but this time, i am older and wiser. i won't be had. here's what he had to say:

From: Cory
Date: Monday, December 26, 2005 8:24:00 PM
Subject: whats up babe
Message: hey, just managed to get my webcam up, curious if youd like to check me out? if youd want to see, some of my previous cam pics are uploaded at sexywebcams4you.com/cory

hope to c ya!
cory

i wonder if it's ok to log on to sexywebcams4u.com at work. i think my boss would understand.

fun times in the AC

i know you're all on the edges of your respective seats about exactly how my holiday weekend was. well, the long wait is over. here it comes. are you ready? good.

poshua and i set out sunday morning to retrieve our zipcar from brooklyn (another borough i can now cross off my list). we drove down to atlantic city (side note: satellite radio KICKS ASS) and checked into our very down-the-rabbit-hole room in the uber-tacky trump marina. we explored two casinos that night and worked out a sensible system: as i am not much of a gambler, but the poshster is, i agreed to take his free drinks off his hands so that he could keep his wits about him while he effectively robbed the casino blind. over the course of our time at the borgata (casino #2), i was carded an unprecednted three times. the third time, it was by a smug casino security dude who lurked behind me for about a minute before he even asked for my ID.

casino dude: "may i see your id?"
me: "ummm... ok, i guess." (fishes id out of purse and hands it over)
me: (exasperated, as this is the third time i have been carded) "do i look underage?"
casino dude: "you look about seventeen."
poshua: "she's a year older than me."
me: "yeah, you should card him. he's only sixteen."
casino dude: "he's in action. i don't see anything. do you want a hand stamp? 'cause otherwise you're going to get carded all night."
me: "ummm... i don't really think i need--"
casino dude: "yeah, you do. hold on, i'll get you one."

and that's the story of how i ended up with a stamp on my hand and, later, after falling asleep at midnight, with the same stamp ALL OVER MY FACE. thanks, casino dude. thanks a lot.

(also, i really liked that nice touch of his forthrightness about not wanting to card someone who was gambling - casinos really are havens of morality)

anyway, aside from losing too much money to video poker and getting god-only-knows-where-it's-been ink all over my face, the trip was super fun. i particularly enjoyed when posh and i got to pretend to be newlyweds for the benefit of some weirdos who were trying to sell us something (exactly what it was is still unclear). yesterday, we lunched down by the boardwalk and swung by philly for some quality Monkey time before heading home. the highlight of the return trip was definitely when i was approached by an orthodox jewish dude on the subway. he gave me a menorah and hanukkah candles (despite my repeated protests) and tried to give me a hanukkah donut. but that's where i drew the line. it was weird.

merry hannukwanzmas!

the poshster and i are off to atlantic city or, as it was delightfully called in sex and the city, atlantic titty. we figure, as long as we're not doing the whole jesus thing on christmas, we might as well fit in all the sinning we can, right? don't worry, we plan to get a hooker while we're there and then kill her. just to cover our bases.

we'll be staying in the fabulous, HUGE trump marina hotel and while i can't speak for my companion, i know that i'll be indulging in some intense video poker. rock on. will return tomorrow night, so in the meantime you can entertain yourselves by supporting my sponsors!! (i.e., click the damn ads, bitches). kisses!

life is like a box of chocolates...

...you see it in front of you and get all excited, but then you overindulge and start to feel sick. or maybe that's just me.

the wife left last night to spend these few days with her family for christmas. what a jesus freak. in her absence, it's like i have my own apartment and i find myself wondering if people who live alone ever get dressed. as far as i can tell, there's no reason to. anyway, as i've never really cooked just for myself before, i made dinner for two tonight. and ate it all. and it was really good (in my ever-so-humble opinion) but as a result, i can't roll my fat ass off the couch.

it's all good, because forrest gump is on tbs.

so awesome it's ridiculous

Condom-capped Madonna embarrasses Catholic weekly

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - An advertisement for a statue of the Virgin Mary veiled in a condom has embarrassed the publishers of the U.S. Catholic magazine America, and prompted some heated comment on Catholic Web sites.

America, a weekly run by the Jesuit order of priests, said in a statement it was embarrassed and offended by the ad, which it said had been published unknowingly in its December 5 edition.

The apparent prank by a London-based artist offered what he called the "Extra Virgin" statue for sale, "a stunning ... statue of the Virgin Mary standing atop a serpent wearing a delicate veil of latex."

A color photograph showed a statue of magenta-robed Mary, who according to Christian teaching was a virgin when she gave birth to Jesus, covered with a translucent but visible condom.

just as true as it was the first time i heard it

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
- Jane Wagner

maggie puts it all in perspective

From: maggie
To: julie
Date: Dec 23, 2005 2:57 PM


PS the moral of this story is no guy is worth a good pair of jeans.

a brush with brushing with near-fame

in the aforementioned piece in new york magazine, reason #7 to love new york right now is none other than matt yglesias, blogger and pundit and onetime humpbuddy of my dear patsy. according to the mag, he is among the 27 people of whom at least one will be justly famous by the year 2010.

wow. it's almost like i've banged a celebrity.

definitely didn't see this one coming

with many thanks to patsy, it turns out i am canada. how apt.

You're Canada!

People make fun of you a lot, but they're stupid because you've got a much better life than they do. In fact, they're probably just jealous. You believe in crazy things like human rights and health care and not dying in the streets, and you end up securing these rights for yourself and others. If it weren't for your weird affection for ice hockey, you'd be the perfect person.


Take the Country Quiz at the Blue Pyramid

all your christmas are belong to us

when first i saw this, i thought, "wow, someone is better with photoshop than i am." but then i looked at the accompanying article, and that's actually the pope, sneering and wearing a santa cap. WAY better than anything i would have photoshopped myself. thank you, Mr. Pope.


(by the way, check out gawker for a side-by-side comparison with the grinch.)

i just like smiling. smiling's my favorite.

the transit strike is (almost) adversely affecting me. two of my most important friends (almost) didn't make it to my place last night for our festive evening of ridiculosity. fortunately, i finally hit upon the right combination of threats and bribes and they sucked it up and came.

it was one of those evenings when you get too wrapped up in each stage of what you're doing that you lose track of time and, before you know it, it's really late. we warmed up with some hot chocolate with bailey's and a few bottles of white. we dined on my absolutely-homemade, definitely-not-frozen, totally-from-scratch eggplant parm and spinach, followed by the peanut-butteriest, doughiest snickers cookies you'll ever have and a festive screening of Elf. on the way out, all our transit-stricken pals got a pack of homemade truffles and a jar of our pumpkin butter to take home (patsy, not to worry, we're saving one of each for you; poshua, you suck and get nothing). all told, a cozy time with cozy people, that made me glad my friends can be so easily lured in with the promise of baked goods.

i heart ny

gawker has listed 123 reasons to love new york right now (if you care, it's in response to a same-idea'd piece in new york magazine). anyway, the whole thing is pretty poignant, but here are the best/truest ones, in my ever-so-humble opinion:

1. Because we scorn the fat.

2. Because we can drink until 4 AM.

4. Because all we have to do is walk down the street in order to be propositioned for sex.

5. Because we get to push tourists if we’re late for work.

8. Because whether you make $50k or $200k, you’re still "middle class."

14. Because you can live in the same place for 10 years and never have to see or meet your neighbors

17. Because everyone’s Gay.

19. Because sometimes it smells like maple syrup.

23. Because the transit strike keeps us from really working.

38. Because smoking is encouraged.

45. Because Jews.

47. Because you can buy anything, even a stolen baby.

52. Because only black is the new black.

57. Because everyone’s got a blog.

58. Because Paris Hilton moved to Los Angeles.

64. Because Peter Braunstein stabbed himself in the neck.

72. Because, sometimes, it’s just fun to give tourists wrong directions.

73. Because you can buy live jellyfish from a wooden box in Chinatown.

74. Because your parents love to come visit and pay for dinner.

75. Because your parents don’t love to come visit.

76. Because you can walk down the street and fart and nobody will notice.

85. Because there’s such a thing as $300 sushi.

87. Because bagels.

91. Because our knock-offs are often better than the real thing.

92. Because there’s always someone naked in Times Square.

95. Because you can get mustard on everything.

103. Because we know what “new bar smell” is, but not “new car smell.”

109. Because everyone drinks at brunch.

117. Because in one morning, you can look like a jackass in the background of four different morning shows.