R.I.P., my lovely self-indulgent crap-pile.

to make it finally, really, truly official: midtown mayhem is hereby retired. put out to pasture. gone the way of old yeller and, more recently, aaron spelling.

(might as well go down in flames, right?)

it's been real, kiddies. be good. stay in school. don't drink and drive, unless you really like to party. good night, and good luck.

(for a select few, i may, at some point in the future, begin blogging again elsewhere. if you want to be notified if/when/where this happens, contact me. i will not be posting again here.)

because i can't *not*

behold my dollfaced boytoy pal tommy, the next jim carrey, or so sayeth the new york times:

Children Get Into the Act in 'Tempest Tossed Fools'
By ANITA GATES

In audience-participation children's theater, the children don't always understand the rules. At Monday night's performance of the Millennium Talent Group's rowdy, colorful "Tempest Tossed Fools," for instance, when the King of Naples wailed about where his missing son might be, one little girl in the audience piped up, "I think he's behind that curtain." She repeated her comment several times but was ignored.

Otherwise the interaction seemed to go according to plan, with children calling out animal names when asked and going onstage to dance; making wind, rain and lightning noises; and participating in a particularly undemanding limbo contest.

"Tempest Tossed Fools," written and directed by Sarah Rosenberg and described as a musical reimagining of "The Tempest," uses some of Shakespeare's original language but relies heavily on contemporary Americanization ("Like cool!"), pop-culture references ("Yo quiero Taco Bell") and slapstick to keep the audience entertained.

It's not clear how much Shakespeare is absorbed in such a production, but the basic plot is fairly easy to understand. Prospero, the Duke of Milan, and his daughter are shipwrecked on an island with only a monster and a sprite for company. Prospero commands the sprite, Ariel, to cause another shipwreck and cast spells on the survivors.

The daughter falls in love with one survivor. (The only other males she has ever seen are her father and the monster, so it's a lucky break that the guy is a handsome prince.) Some drunken sailors do comic bits, Prospero gets his crown back, and everybody dances for joy.

Ariel is played nicely by the grown-up Anna Chlumsky, who starred in the film "My Girl" (1991) when she was pushing 11. Kevin Barry is properly dignified as Prospero. Rebecca Navarro plays his daughter, Miranda, like one of those spoiled rich teenagers on an MTV reality series.

As Stephano, Tommy Dickie displays a Jim Carrey-like ease with goofy physical comedy. [ed. note: he is also one fine piece of ass] And as the King of Naples, Diego Kelman Ajuz is delightfully, fearlessly committed to outright silliness.

"Tempest Tossed Fools" is at the Manhattan Ensemble Theater, 55 Mercer Street,SoHo, through June 29; (212) 239-6200.

q: what do you call a beautiful airhead with tourette's?

a: my wife!

From: My Wife
Sent: Thursday, May 18, 2006 12:26 PM
To: Julie
Subject: Re: FW: summer fridays

so, let's coordinate, fucker. am i allowed to swear on your work e-mail? fuck. shit.

oh, and also

because you know you were dying to know: the only think more pimp than my new camera... is my new phone. seriously. i think i'm in love. incidentally, i don't have anybody's phone numbers in it, so if you want to receive obscene phone calls, remember to send them to me.

i'm a huge nerd. i'll come right out and admit that. with pride. this is why i get really excited for things like my own personalized letterhead with my new company name and logo at the top. so concentrate really hard and try to picture my reaction when my assistant came into my office with a cardboard box and said the following:

"i have letterhead for you, but the printing company misspelled your name and these pads all say 'julia' at the top. they're not going to charge me for them, and i can reorder them with your name spelled correctly... but i have a real problem killing trees. so, it's up to you. you could just use these instead."

somehow, personalized stationary isn't quite as cool when it has someone else's name on it. i'd change my name, but i suspect that would only require wasting more paper.

every day's a holiday!

last night, the wife and i held our much-anticipated, old-fashioned pajama party. our guests' interpretation of our "pajamas required" rule led to some disappointment on my part (seriously, poshua, you must have pajamas, you dirty, nude-sleeping liar), but aside from that, good times were had by all. or, by me anyway, and that's really all that matters in the happy little universe of my selfish, selfish head. we watched movies, we giggled about boys, we ordered pizza (most of which i ate), and patsy brought a tube of cookie dough (most of which i ate). as you can imagine, i made some regrettable gustatory decisions and went to bed pretty full. tomorrow (that's today), i decided, i would eat light and try to do a little damage control.

anyway, i got to work today and it was... FREE KRISPY KREME DAY!! well, you can surely imagine how this story ends: with me sitting at my desk in a puddle of my own drool, smushy donut belly resting semi-comfortably atop my keyboard and the bottom half of my face gleaming with donut glaze. it was in midst of this that i looked at myself and realized that, i truly am living the american dream.

ok, time for lunch.

in which friendster gets me blogging again

bola, if you want to be my friendster, best not to start by calling me a 'hoe':

From: bola
Date: Monday, May 15, 2006 1:06:00 AM
Subject: hi
Message:

> hoe r u
> iam bola
> from egypt
> i like u eyes u smile
> i hope speake with u

today's can't-miss links

...each identified by a single word that will make you want to click:

penis

olsens

drunky

penis

everything i know about life i learned while unemployed

1. dr. phil is on at 3, but it's never as good as the previews lead you to believe it will be.
2. ramen is cheapest at the rite-aid by worldwide plaza (5/$1!)
3. it's way easier than you think to sleep until 1:00.
4. apparently, no one else in new york has a job either.
5. you can't actually afford booze.
6. i guess that's it. my brain is pretty mushy by now.

but, as previously mentioned, i have landed myself a job. yeah, i fooled 'em into thinking that i have some sort of marketable skill. in keeping with my policy of not putting identifying information up here, i can't tell you what the job is or what the company is, but i will say this: i'm AWESOME.

but even AWESOMER than AWESOME is the TOTALLY WICKED SWEET job maggie has officially locked down as of today. if you see her, be sure to give her a congratulatory high-five/bum-squeeze.

yes, she's alive

got a job
spent a weekend back in the northcountry
saw scary movie 4
more information TK

transitional moment

on wednesday, i quit my job.

last night, i was called a psycho for the second time that i can remember.

it seems i've reached a point of decision, and i should probably change my ways. so, here goes. my promises to the world, with you fine people as my witnesses:

from now on, i vow to behave in a way that is generally... more sane. this includes, but may not be limited to:

1. drinking less
2. cutting back on embarrassing drunken text messaging
3. (with some overlap with #2) removing all exes from my cell phone directory
4. swearing less
5. no more lying for sport

man, sanity really takes the fun out of living.

and, what the hell, while i'm at it:

6. cutting back on dairy, meat, and refined carbs
7. being more diligent about my fitness routine
8. getting to bed at a reasonable hour

obviously, these rules aren't hard and fast. so, when you hear me lie to my mom on the phone about what time i got home last night, or let out a string of expletives when i stub my toe, no need to call me out on it. also, obviously, "dairy" does not include cheese.

happy pesach, tribespeople.

because this was sent to me by my mother, i have to assume it's been circulating on the internet for several years already and i somehow managed to miss it until now. anyway, i thought it was worth posting, and if i have to explain to you why it's funny, well then you just don't deserve to know. bitch. and yes, i know i'm up late. i quit my job today. a story in itself, i suppose. but not for here, not now. suffice it to say: wahoo!

i don't understand

why anyone gives a tiny rat's ass about this katie curtis or whoever switching networks. aside from finding her kind of irritating, i have no strong feelings about the woman or which multizillionaire is signing her paycheck. should i?

as far as i can tell, the only way this affects me is that it means i'll have to avoid a different channel in order to be spared her squawky voice (at least, i think she has a squawky voice - i don't know if i've ever actually heard her speak). that was always trial-and-error anyway.

an actual e-mail from my mother

From: Mom
To: David, Julie, Elizabeth
Date: Apr 2, 2006 9:30 AM
Subject: DST


Hey guys,

Don't forget to set the clocks forward an hour this morning.

Mom and Dad

it's times like this i really feel i get credit for being a functioning adult.

mean bitches

i'm always dissatisfied with the options they give you in those multiple-choice quizzes in teenbloids. other than that minor problem, i think they provide a handy tool for assessing your worth as a human being. below, i have pasted the "are you a mean girl?" quiz from an eons-old YM that i stumbled upon online, updated to include my personal choices as to what the correct response is to each item. enjoy.

Are You A Mean Girl?

In the new film Mean Girls, Lindsay Lohan plays a nice girl gone nasty. Take this quiz to see where you stand.

1. A pretty girl is a new student at your school. What is your first reaction?

Leave her alone. She's just another girl — one of hundreds at your school.

Immediately start circulating a few rumors about her. You'd rather your friends think of her as a juvenile delinquent who was expelled from her last school than the new hot chick.

Go right up to her with a big smile and show her the ropes. She must be so nervous!

spike her drink in the cafeteria and stash her lifeless body in the boys lacrosse team's locker room.


2. Amanda, your nemesis since grammar school, was seen talking to the school drug dealer. Do you take advantage of what you've seen to create some bad publicity?

"Well, I wouldn't exactly call it bad publicity. It's just something my closest friends might want to know about."

"Heck, yeah! Spreading this info all over school will totally ruin her rep, while making me look much cooler for having the scoop."

"No! I have better things to do with my time than gossip."

blackmail her into sharing... that stingy bitch.


3. Your best friend has a huge crush on a hot guitar player at school. When you see him, what do you do?

Nothing. You'll give her a pep talk on how to flirt with him later.

You march right up to him, flash a huge smile, and tell him how his music makes your heart all aflutter.

March right up to him and let him know the deal. So what if your friend will be totally humiliated. Somebody's got to get the ball rolling.

take off your shirt.


4. You overhear one of your friends complaining about another one of your girlfriends. Do you confront them, even though what they're saying is true?

You stick up for your friend because she isn't there to defend herself.

You quietly listen to the conversation and then tell your friend exactly what was said. You love a little drama.

You join in on the conversation but preface all of your complaints with "She's a nice girl, but..."

You point out that their parents probably got divorced because they stopped loving their children, and maybe they should think about that for a little while.


5. Your friend was elected captain of the soccer team, a position you've had your eye on. How do you handle this defeat?

Steal her cleats and tell the coach she has a problem with skipping class.

Try not to think about it, but play your heart out to get recognition from the coach.

Of course you're upset, but you think she deserves it. She's a great player and leader.

break the bitch's kneecaps.


6. Your best friend forgot to call you last Friday night to tell you about a party. Do you seek revenge or let it go?

"I'll let it go. But I'll ask all of my other friends if she's been talking about me behind my back to make sure nothing else is going on that I don't know about."

"I let it go because it was an honest mistake. I got to get some extra beauty sleep anyway."

Sweet, sweet revenge! "I will strategically lose my cell next weekend."

break the bitch's kneecaps.


7. Final exams are coming up and your girlfriends are coming over for a study group. You ...

Tell them to bring over their own food because you don't have the time or the energy to do it yourself. If they want it, they bring it..

Tell your friend Sarah that your friend Lisa is bringing carrots and celery for you all to snack on because Sarah looks like she's packed on a few pounds.

Make tons of snacks for the girls. You need all the energy you can get for a night of studying.

strategically fuck each of their boyfriends.


8. Before class, you take a quick drive to the local juice bar, leaving your friend in the car. When you return...

you tell your friend that wheatgrass is the new "it" drink in Hollywood and that you're surprised she didn't ask for one. Maybe she doesn't deserve to hang in your clique if she isn't up on what's hot and trendy.

you have your drink in one hand and your keys in the other. She should have asked for something if she wanted it.

you come back with two shots of wheatgrass. You figured she needs a boost, too.

you bitchslap her for changing the radio station to soft rock while you were gone.


9. You see that your best friend sat in some gum. What do you do?

Ignore that fact. You think its funny that she's talking to her crush with Trident on her butt!

You were too busy checking out the guys to notice.

You tell her. She would be mortified if you didn't! Plus, she would tell you if you had gum on your pants.

smell it. if it's peppermint, pull it off her ass and reuse it.


10. When there is a major brawl in your group of friends, which person are you?

The quiet one who doesn't say anything either way.

The peacemaker.

The outspoken one who says what the other girls won't.

the construction worker. wait, what was the question?


11. Have you ever dated a guy that your friend once had her eye on?

Too many times to count. "I can't help it if the boys like me better."

"Yes, but she wasn't dating him or anything."

"Nope. That would just be wrong!"

does anal count?


12. In your closet, how many articles of clothing do you have that belong to one of your friends, but she doesn't know you have it?

0 to 3

8 to 10

4 to 7

those rags? nigga, please.

and the lord spaketh

100% AWESOME

Boy gets caught in toy-filled 'claw' machine

Associated Press
Last update: March 28, 2006 – 9:52 AM

AUSTIN, Minn. — A machine filled with toys must've been awfully tempting to a three-year-old boy.
The tot crawled through the toy discharge chute in the Toy Chest claw machine at a Godfather's Pizza in Austin and got stuck amid all the toys.

Fire Chief Dan Wilson said it was one of the funniest things he's ever seen. Wilson was one of three people to respond to the non-emergency call. He says the boy was inside the transparent container playing, smiling and laughing and people were taking his picture with digital cameras.

Firefighters pried the door open to get the boy out.

The child wasn't hurt.

———

Information from: Austin Daily Herald, http://www.austindailyherald.com

speaking of heartbreak...

he's back, and monologuing:

tool (9:49:45 PM): you deleted the wedding crashers quote [that i wrote on your facebook wall]!?
tool (9:50:47 PM): well, screw you and your little dog too!!

(wife goes invisible on instant messenger)

tool (9:50:58 PM): haha, I know that trick
tool (9:50:59 PM): peace out
tool (9:51:34 PM): blocking works much better, dude

wife blocks tool momentarily, then feels bad and unblocks him.

tool signed off at 9:52:18 PM.
tool (10:01:48 PM): you blocked me?!
tool (10:02:09 PM): again??!
tool (10:04:38 PM): seriously, though, do you have something against maple syrup?
tool (10:05:51 PM): di ni ni ni ni ni ni ni...[tool]man!!
tool (10:06:13 PM): I'm taking over the batman theme song, fyi
tool (10:06:31 PM): di ni ni ni ni ni ni ni...[tool]man!!
tool (10:06:52 PM): di ni ni ni ni ni ni ni...
tool (10:07:00 PM): [tool]man!!
tool (10:07:50 PM): you know
tool (10:07:51 PM): oops
tool (10:07:57 PM): you know...
tool (10:08:04 PM): you're way too patient for your own good
tool (10:08:15 PM): gives me a purpose for the rest of my attention span
tool (10:09:07 PM): Stinger: They gave you your choice of duty son, anything, anywhere. Do you believe that shit? Where do you think you wanna go?
tool (10:09:13 PM): Maverick: I thought of being an instructor, sir.
tool (10:09:19 PM): Stinger: Top Gun?
tool (10:09:25 PM): Maverick: Yes, sir.
tool (10:09:32 PM): Stinger: God help us.
tool (10:09:58 PM): Maverick: She's lost that loving feeling.
tool (10:10:04 PM): Goose: She's lo...
tool (10:10:13 PM): Goose: No she hasn't.
tool (10:10:19 PM): Maverick: Yes she has.
tool (10:10:25 PM): Goose: [objecting] She's not lost that lo...
tool (10:10:34 PM): Maverick: Goose, she's lost it man.
tool (10:10:50 PM): Goose: Come on!
tool (10:10:59 PM): Goose: Aw sh... I hate it when she does that.
tool (10:12:17 PM): di ni ni ni ni ni... Batman!
tool (10:12:25 PM): jk, it's [tool]man
tool (10:14:17 PM): me... me... meee.... pay attention to meeeeee

no epilogue necessary, this time, i think. seems it kind of writes itself.

heartbreaking indeed. sigh.

Hurwitz takes a hike
'Arrested' creator bails as showrunner


"Arrested Development" creator Mitch Hurwitz says he will not be continuing with the series, throwing a major -- likely fatal -- monkey wrench into attempts to keep the Emmy-winning laffer alive for a fourth season.

Series producers 20th Century Fox TV and Imagine Television had agreed on a deal to move "Arrested," previously on Fox, to Showtime -- assuming Hurwitz was willing to come back. In the end, however, a mix of creative and financial concerns has prompted Hurwitz to move on.

"The fans have been so ardent in their devotion and in return ... I've given everything I can to the show in order to try to live up to their expectations," Hurwitz told Daily Variety on Monday in a telephone interview from Gotham. "I finally reached a point where I felt I couldn't continue to deliver that on a weekly basis."

Nonetheless, Hurwitz said he put off making a final decision on his involvement so Showtime and 20th could talk about a possible deal.

"Of course, if there was enough money in it, I would have happily abandoned the fans' need for quality. But as it turns out, there wasn't," he said.

Indeed, Hurwitz and 20th have long been at odds over finances, sparring over everything from the show's budget to Hurwitz's own compensation. The two sides were unable to come to terms on an overall deal last year, and while creative concerns were clearly at play in Hurwitz's decision, coin may have been a key factor, insiders said.

Hurwitz said he had briefed most of the show's cast about his decision, as well as some of the writers. He also talked with exec producer-narrator Ron Howard, who asked Hurwitz if he would be willing to continue as a consultant on "Arrested" should 20th and Imagine find a network willing to continue the skein without Hurwitz.

"I said I'd be happy to do that, but that as showrunner, I've gone as far as I can go," he said.

Showtime entertainment topper Bob Greenblatt made it clear in January that Hurwitz's participation in the show was essential to a deal (Daily Variety, Jan. 20). With Hurwitz out of the equation, Showtime is no longer a viable home for "Arrested," insiders said.

It doesn't help that one of Hurwitz's key deputies, exec producer Jim Valleley, also says he won't do the show without his boss. "We couldn't do the show without Mitch Hurwitz, and I wouldn't want to be the guy who tried," Valleley said, who called the apparent end of the show "heartbreaking."

Hurwitz said he had lunch with Showtime entertainment chief Bob Greenblatt even though he was leaning against continuing with the show. "He was actually very persuasive in telling me how much he believed in the show. I walked away thinking, 'Maybe,' " Hurwitz said.

Despite word of tension between Hurwitz and 20th, scribe said the studio and its sister net deserve credit for having produced and aired three seasons of the show.

"I can honestly say I'm appreciative. They put a lot of money into this, and I put a lot of my life into this," he said.

He also hinted that while "Arrested" may have run its course as a TV show as far as he's concerned, he would be interested in reviving the franchise as a feature film.

Reps for 20th and Showtime declined comment. One person familiar with the studio's thinking, however, said fans of the show shouldn't write an obit for "Arrested" just yet, noting 20th is the studio that revived "Family Guy."

further evidence that gwyneth paltrow sucks

she wants to name her baby boy "mortimer". good god, her children are going to need a lot of therapy.