q: what do you call a beautiful airhead with tourette's?

a: my wife!

From: My Wife
Sent: Thursday, May 18, 2006 12:26 PM
To: Julie
Subject: Re: FW: summer fridays

so, let's coordinate, fucker. am i allowed to swear on your work e-mail? fuck. shit.

oh, and also

because you know you were dying to know: the only think more pimp than my new camera... is my new phone. seriously. i think i'm in love. incidentally, i don't have anybody's phone numbers in it, so if you want to receive obscene phone calls, remember to send them to me.

i'm a huge nerd. i'll come right out and admit that. with pride. this is why i get really excited for things like my own personalized letterhead with my new company name and logo at the top. so concentrate really hard and try to picture my reaction when my assistant came into my office with a cardboard box and said the following:

"i have letterhead for you, but the printing company misspelled your name and these pads all say 'julia' at the top. they're not going to charge me for them, and i can reorder them with your name spelled correctly... but i have a real problem killing trees. so, it's up to you. you could just use these instead."

somehow, personalized stationary isn't quite as cool when it has someone else's name on it. i'd change my name, but i suspect that would only require wasting more paper.

every day's a holiday!

last night, the wife and i held our much-anticipated, old-fashioned pajama party. our guests' interpretation of our "pajamas required" rule led to some disappointment on my part (seriously, poshua, you must have pajamas, you dirty, nude-sleeping liar), but aside from that, good times were had by all. or, by me anyway, and that's really all that matters in the happy little universe of my selfish, selfish head. we watched movies, we giggled about boys, we ordered pizza (most of which i ate), and patsy brought a tube of cookie dough (most of which i ate). as you can imagine, i made some regrettable gustatory decisions and went to bed pretty full. tomorrow (that's today), i decided, i would eat light and try to do a little damage control.

anyway, i got to work today and it was... FREE KRISPY KREME DAY!! well, you can surely imagine how this story ends: with me sitting at my desk in a puddle of my own drool, smushy donut belly resting semi-comfortably atop my keyboard and the bottom half of my face gleaming with donut glaze. it was in midst of this that i looked at myself and realized that, i truly am living the american dream.

ok, time for lunch.

in which friendster gets me blogging again

bola, if you want to be my friendster, best not to start by calling me a 'hoe':

From: bola
Date: Monday, May 15, 2006 1:06:00 AM
Subject: hi
Message:

> hoe r u
> iam bola
> from egypt
> i like u eyes u smile
> i hope speake with u

today's can't-miss links

...each identified by a single word that will make you want to click:

penis

olsens

drunky

penis