R.I.P., my lovely self-indulgent crap-pile.

to make it finally, really, truly official: midtown mayhem is hereby retired. put out to pasture. gone the way of old yeller and, more recently, aaron spelling.

(might as well go down in flames, right?)

it's been real, kiddies. be good. stay in school. don't drink and drive, unless you really like to party. good night, and good luck.

(for a select few, i may, at some point in the future, begin blogging again elsewhere. if you want to be notified if/when/where this happens, contact me. i will not be posting again here.)

because i can't *not*

behold my dollfaced boytoy pal tommy, the next jim carrey, or so sayeth the new york times:

Children Get Into the Act in 'Tempest Tossed Fools'
By ANITA GATES

In audience-participation children's theater, the children don't always understand the rules. At Monday night's performance of the Millennium Talent Group's rowdy, colorful "Tempest Tossed Fools," for instance, when the King of Naples wailed about where his missing son might be, one little girl in the audience piped up, "I think he's behind that curtain." She repeated her comment several times but was ignored.

Otherwise the interaction seemed to go according to plan, with children calling out animal names when asked and going onstage to dance; making wind, rain and lightning noises; and participating in a particularly undemanding limbo contest.

"Tempest Tossed Fools," written and directed by Sarah Rosenberg and described as a musical reimagining of "The Tempest," uses some of Shakespeare's original language but relies heavily on contemporary Americanization ("Like cool!"), pop-culture references ("Yo quiero Taco Bell") and slapstick to keep the audience entertained.

It's not clear how much Shakespeare is absorbed in such a production, but the basic plot is fairly easy to understand. Prospero, the Duke of Milan, and his daughter are shipwrecked on an island with only a monster and a sprite for company. Prospero commands the sprite, Ariel, to cause another shipwreck and cast spells on the survivors.

The daughter falls in love with one survivor. (The only other males she has ever seen are her father and the monster, so it's a lucky break that the guy is a handsome prince.) Some drunken sailors do comic bits, Prospero gets his crown back, and everybody dances for joy.

Ariel is played nicely by the grown-up Anna Chlumsky, who starred in the film "My Girl" (1991) when she was pushing 11. Kevin Barry is properly dignified as Prospero. Rebecca Navarro plays his daughter, Miranda, like one of those spoiled rich teenagers on an MTV reality series.

As Stephano, Tommy Dickie displays a Jim Carrey-like ease with goofy physical comedy. [ed. note: he is also one fine piece of ass] And as the King of Naples, Diego Kelman Ajuz is delightfully, fearlessly committed to outright silliness.

"Tempest Tossed Fools" is at the Manhattan Ensemble Theater, 55 Mercer Street,SoHo, through June 29; (212) 239-6200.

q: what do you call a beautiful airhead with tourette's?

a: my wife!

From: My Wife
Sent: Thursday, May 18, 2006 12:26 PM
To: Julie
Subject: Re: FW: summer fridays

so, let's coordinate, fucker. am i allowed to swear on your work e-mail? fuck. shit.

oh, and also

because you know you were dying to know: the only think more pimp than my new camera... is my new phone. seriously. i think i'm in love. incidentally, i don't have anybody's phone numbers in it, so if you want to receive obscene phone calls, remember to send them to me.

i'm a huge nerd. i'll come right out and admit that. with pride. this is why i get really excited for things like my own personalized letterhead with my new company name and logo at the top. so concentrate really hard and try to picture my reaction when my assistant came into my office with a cardboard box and said the following:

"i have letterhead for you, but the printing company misspelled your name and these pads all say 'julia' at the top. they're not going to charge me for them, and i can reorder them with your name spelled correctly... but i have a real problem killing trees. so, it's up to you. you could just use these instead."

somehow, personalized stationary isn't quite as cool when it has someone else's name on it. i'd change my name, but i suspect that would only require wasting more paper.

every day's a holiday!

last night, the wife and i held our much-anticipated, old-fashioned pajama party. our guests' interpretation of our "pajamas required" rule led to some disappointment on my part (seriously, poshua, you must have pajamas, you dirty, nude-sleeping liar), but aside from that, good times were had by all. or, by me anyway, and that's really all that matters in the happy little universe of my selfish, selfish head. we watched movies, we giggled about boys, we ordered pizza (most of which i ate), and patsy brought a tube of cookie dough (most of which i ate). as you can imagine, i made some regrettable gustatory decisions and went to bed pretty full. tomorrow (that's today), i decided, i would eat light and try to do a little damage control.

anyway, i got to work today and it was... FREE KRISPY KREME DAY!! well, you can surely imagine how this story ends: with me sitting at my desk in a puddle of my own drool, smushy donut belly resting semi-comfortably atop my keyboard and the bottom half of my face gleaming with donut glaze. it was in midst of this that i looked at myself and realized that, i truly am living the american dream.

ok, time for lunch.

in which friendster gets me blogging again

bola, if you want to be my friendster, best not to start by calling me a 'hoe':

From: bola
Date: Monday, May 15, 2006 1:06:00 AM
Subject: hi
Message:

> hoe r u
> iam bola
> from egypt
> i like u eyes u smile
> i hope speake with u

today's can't-miss links

...each identified by a single word that will make you want to click:

penis

olsens

drunky

penis

everything i know about life i learned while unemployed

1. dr. phil is on at 3, but it's never as good as the previews lead you to believe it will be.
2. ramen is cheapest at the rite-aid by worldwide plaza (5/$1!)
3. it's way easier than you think to sleep until 1:00.
4. apparently, no one else in new york has a job either.
5. you can't actually afford booze.
6. i guess that's it. my brain is pretty mushy by now.

but, as previously mentioned, i have landed myself a job. yeah, i fooled 'em into thinking that i have some sort of marketable skill. in keeping with my policy of not putting identifying information up here, i can't tell you what the job is or what the company is, but i will say this: i'm AWESOME.

but even AWESOMER than AWESOME is the TOTALLY WICKED SWEET job maggie has officially locked down as of today. if you see her, be sure to give her a congratulatory high-five/bum-squeeze.

yes, she's alive

got a job
spent a weekend back in the northcountry
saw scary movie 4
more information TK

transitional moment

on wednesday, i quit my job.

last night, i was called a psycho for the second time that i can remember.

it seems i've reached a point of decision, and i should probably change my ways. so, here goes. my promises to the world, with you fine people as my witnesses:

from now on, i vow to behave in a way that is generally... more sane. this includes, but may not be limited to:

1. drinking less
2. cutting back on embarrassing drunken text messaging
3. (with some overlap with #2) removing all exes from my cell phone directory
4. swearing less
5. no more lying for sport

man, sanity really takes the fun out of living.

and, what the hell, while i'm at it:

6. cutting back on dairy, meat, and refined carbs
7. being more diligent about my fitness routine
8. getting to bed at a reasonable hour

obviously, these rules aren't hard and fast. so, when you hear me lie to my mom on the phone about what time i got home last night, or let out a string of expletives when i stub my toe, no need to call me out on it. also, obviously, "dairy" does not include cheese.

happy pesach, tribespeople.

because this was sent to me by my mother, i have to assume it's been circulating on the internet for several years already and i somehow managed to miss it until now. anyway, i thought it was worth posting, and if i have to explain to you why it's funny, well then you just don't deserve to know. bitch. and yes, i know i'm up late. i quit my job today. a story in itself, i suppose. but not for here, not now. suffice it to say: wahoo!

i don't understand

why anyone gives a tiny rat's ass about this katie curtis or whoever switching networks. aside from finding her kind of irritating, i have no strong feelings about the woman or which multizillionaire is signing her paycheck. should i?

as far as i can tell, the only way this affects me is that it means i'll have to avoid a different channel in order to be spared her squawky voice (at least, i think she has a squawky voice - i don't know if i've ever actually heard her speak). that was always trial-and-error anyway.

an actual e-mail from my mother

From: Mom
To: David, Julie, Elizabeth
Date: Apr 2, 2006 9:30 AM
Subject: DST


Hey guys,

Don't forget to set the clocks forward an hour this morning.

Mom and Dad

it's times like this i really feel i get credit for being a functioning adult.

mean bitches

i'm always dissatisfied with the options they give you in those multiple-choice quizzes in teenbloids. other than that minor problem, i think they provide a handy tool for assessing your worth as a human being. below, i have pasted the "are you a mean girl?" quiz from an eons-old YM that i stumbled upon online, updated to include my personal choices as to what the correct response is to each item. enjoy.

Are You A Mean Girl?

In the new film Mean Girls, Lindsay Lohan plays a nice girl gone nasty. Take this quiz to see where you stand.

1. A pretty girl is a new student at your school. What is your first reaction?

Leave her alone. She's just another girl — one of hundreds at your school.

Immediately start circulating a few rumors about her. You'd rather your friends think of her as a juvenile delinquent who was expelled from her last school than the new hot chick.

Go right up to her with a big smile and show her the ropes. She must be so nervous!

spike her drink in the cafeteria and stash her lifeless body in the boys lacrosse team's locker room.


2. Amanda, your nemesis since grammar school, was seen talking to the school drug dealer. Do you take advantage of what you've seen to create some bad publicity?

"Well, I wouldn't exactly call it bad publicity. It's just something my closest friends might want to know about."

"Heck, yeah! Spreading this info all over school will totally ruin her rep, while making me look much cooler for having the scoop."

"No! I have better things to do with my time than gossip."

blackmail her into sharing... that stingy bitch.


3. Your best friend has a huge crush on a hot guitar player at school. When you see him, what do you do?

Nothing. You'll give her a pep talk on how to flirt with him later.

You march right up to him, flash a huge smile, and tell him how his music makes your heart all aflutter.

March right up to him and let him know the deal. So what if your friend will be totally humiliated. Somebody's got to get the ball rolling.

take off your shirt.


4. You overhear one of your friends complaining about another one of your girlfriends. Do you confront them, even though what they're saying is true?

You stick up for your friend because she isn't there to defend herself.

You quietly listen to the conversation and then tell your friend exactly what was said. You love a little drama.

You join in on the conversation but preface all of your complaints with "She's a nice girl, but..."

You point out that their parents probably got divorced because they stopped loving their children, and maybe they should think about that for a little while.


5. Your friend was elected captain of the soccer team, a position you've had your eye on. How do you handle this defeat?

Steal her cleats and tell the coach she has a problem with skipping class.

Try not to think about it, but play your heart out to get recognition from the coach.

Of course you're upset, but you think she deserves it. She's a great player and leader.

break the bitch's kneecaps.


6. Your best friend forgot to call you last Friday night to tell you about a party. Do you seek revenge or let it go?

"I'll let it go. But I'll ask all of my other friends if she's been talking about me behind my back to make sure nothing else is going on that I don't know about."

"I let it go because it was an honest mistake. I got to get some extra beauty sleep anyway."

Sweet, sweet revenge! "I will strategically lose my cell next weekend."

break the bitch's kneecaps.


7. Final exams are coming up and your girlfriends are coming over for a study group. You ...

Tell them to bring over their own food because you don't have the time or the energy to do it yourself. If they want it, they bring it..

Tell your friend Sarah that your friend Lisa is bringing carrots and celery for you all to snack on because Sarah looks like she's packed on a few pounds.

Make tons of snacks for the girls. You need all the energy you can get for a night of studying.

strategically fuck each of their boyfriends.


8. Before class, you take a quick drive to the local juice bar, leaving your friend in the car. When you return...

you tell your friend that wheatgrass is the new "it" drink in Hollywood and that you're surprised she didn't ask for one. Maybe she doesn't deserve to hang in your clique if she isn't up on what's hot and trendy.

you have your drink in one hand and your keys in the other. She should have asked for something if she wanted it.

you come back with two shots of wheatgrass. You figured she needs a boost, too.

you bitchslap her for changing the radio station to soft rock while you were gone.


9. You see that your best friend sat in some gum. What do you do?

Ignore that fact. You think its funny that she's talking to her crush with Trident on her butt!

You were too busy checking out the guys to notice.

You tell her. She would be mortified if you didn't! Plus, she would tell you if you had gum on your pants.

smell it. if it's peppermint, pull it off her ass and reuse it.


10. When there is a major brawl in your group of friends, which person are you?

The quiet one who doesn't say anything either way.

The peacemaker.

The outspoken one who says what the other girls won't.

the construction worker. wait, what was the question?


11. Have you ever dated a guy that your friend once had her eye on?

Too many times to count. "I can't help it if the boys like me better."

"Yes, but she wasn't dating him or anything."

"Nope. That would just be wrong!"

does anal count?


12. In your closet, how many articles of clothing do you have that belong to one of your friends, but she doesn't know you have it?

0 to 3

8 to 10

4 to 7

those rags? nigga, please.

and the lord spaketh

100% AWESOME

Boy gets caught in toy-filled 'claw' machine

Associated Press
Last update: March 28, 2006 – 9:52 AM

AUSTIN, Minn. — A machine filled with toys must've been awfully tempting to a three-year-old boy.
The tot crawled through the toy discharge chute in the Toy Chest claw machine at a Godfather's Pizza in Austin and got stuck amid all the toys.

Fire Chief Dan Wilson said it was one of the funniest things he's ever seen. Wilson was one of three people to respond to the non-emergency call. He says the boy was inside the transparent container playing, smiling and laughing and people were taking his picture with digital cameras.

Firefighters pried the door open to get the boy out.

The child wasn't hurt.

———

Information from: Austin Daily Herald, http://www.austindailyherald.com

speaking of heartbreak...

he's back, and monologuing:

tool (9:49:45 PM): you deleted the wedding crashers quote [that i wrote on your facebook wall]!?
tool (9:50:47 PM): well, screw you and your little dog too!!

(wife goes invisible on instant messenger)

tool (9:50:58 PM): haha, I know that trick
tool (9:50:59 PM): peace out
tool (9:51:34 PM): blocking works much better, dude

wife blocks tool momentarily, then feels bad and unblocks him.

tool signed off at 9:52:18 PM.
tool (10:01:48 PM): you blocked me?!
tool (10:02:09 PM): again??!
tool (10:04:38 PM): seriously, though, do you have something against maple syrup?
tool (10:05:51 PM): di ni ni ni ni ni ni ni...[tool]man!!
tool (10:06:13 PM): I'm taking over the batman theme song, fyi
tool (10:06:31 PM): di ni ni ni ni ni ni ni...[tool]man!!
tool (10:06:52 PM): di ni ni ni ni ni ni ni...
tool (10:07:00 PM): [tool]man!!
tool (10:07:50 PM): you know
tool (10:07:51 PM): oops
tool (10:07:57 PM): you know...
tool (10:08:04 PM): you're way too patient for your own good
tool (10:08:15 PM): gives me a purpose for the rest of my attention span
tool (10:09:07 PM): Stinger: They gave you your choice of duty son, anything, anywhere. Do you believe that shit? Where do you think you wanna go?
tool (10:09:13 PM): Maverick: I thought of being an instructor, sir.
tool (10:09:19 PM): Stinger: Top Gun?
tool (10:09:25 PM): Maverick: Yes, sir.
tool (10:09:32 PM): Stinger: God help us.
tool (10:09:58 PM): Maverick: She's lost that loving feeling.
tool (10:10:04 PM): Goose: She's lo...
tool (10:10:13 PM): Goose: No she hasn't.
tool (10:10:19 PM): Maverick: Yes she has.
tool (10:10:25 PM): Goose: [objecting] She's not lost that lo...
tool (10:10:34 PM): Maverick: Goose, she's lost it man.
tool (10:10:50 PM): Goose: Come on!
tool (10:10:59 PM): Goose: Aw sh... I hate it when she does that.
tool (10:12:17 PM): di ni ni ni ni ni... Batman!
tool (10:12:25 PM): jk, it's [tool]man
tool (10:14:17 PM): me... me... meee.... pay attention to meeeeee

no epilogue necessary, this time, i think. seems it kind of writes itself.

heartbreaking indeed. sigh.

Hurwitz takes a hike
'Arrested' creator bails as showrunner


"Arrested Development" creator Mitch Hurwitz says he will not be continuing with the series, throwing a major -- likely fatal -- monkey wrench into attempts to keep the Emmy-winning laffer alive for a fourth season.

Series producers 20th Century Fox TV and Imagine Television had agreed on a deal to move "Arrested," previously on Fox, to Showtime -- assuming Hurwitz was willing to come back. In the end, however, a mix of creative and financial concerns has prompted Hurwitz to move on.

"The fans have been so ardent in their devotion and in return ... I've given everything I can to the show in order to try to live up to their expectations," Hurwitz told Daily Variety on Monday in a telephone interview from Gotham. "I finally reached a point where I felt I couldn't continue to deliver that on a weekly basis."

Nonetheless, Hurwitz said he put off making a final decision on his involvement so Showtime and 20th could talk about a possible deal.

"Of course, if there was enough money in it, I would have happily abandoned the fans' need for quality. But as it turns out, there wasn't," he said.

Indeed, Hurwitz and 20th have long been at odds over finances, sparring over everything from the show's budget to Hurwitz's own compensation. The two sides were unable to come to terms on an overall deal last year, and while creative concerns were clearly at play in Hurwitz's decision, coin may have been a key factor, insiders said.

Hurwitz said he had briefed most of the show's cast about his decision, as well as some of the writers. He also talked with exec producer-narrator Ron Howard, who asked Hurwitz if he would be willing to continue as a consultant on "Arrested" should 20th and Imagine find a network willing to continue the skein without Hurwitz.

"I said I'd be happy to do that, but that as showrunner, I've gone as far as I can go," he said.

Showtime entertainment topper Bob Greenblatt made it clear in January that Hurwitz's participation in the show was essential to a deal (Daily Variety, Jan. 20). With Hurwitz out of the equation, Showtime is no longer a viable home for "Arrested," insiders said.

It doesn't help that one of Hurwitz's key deputies, exec producer Jim Valleley, also says he won't do the show without his boss. "We couldn't do the show without Mitch Hurwitz, and I wouldn't want to be the guy who tried," Valleley said, who called the apparent end of the show "heartbreaking."

Hurwitz said he had lunch with Showtime entertainment chief Bob Greenblatt even though he was leaning against continuing with the show. "He was actually very persuasive in telling me how much he believed in the show. I walked away thinking, 'Maybe,' " Hurwitz said.

Despite word of tension between Hurwitz and 20th, scribe said the studio and its sister net deserve credit for having produced and aired three seasons of the show.

"I can honestly say I'm appreciative. They put a lot of money into this, and I put a lot of my life into this," he said.

He also hinted that while "Arrested" may have run its course as a TV show as far as he's concerned, he would be interested in reviving the franchise as a feature film.

Reps for 20th and Showtime declined comment. One person familiar with the studio's thinking, however, said fans of the show shouldn't write an obit for "Arrested" just yet, noting 20th is the studio that revived "Family Guy."

further evidence that gwyneth paltrow sucks

she wants to name her baby boy "mortimer". good god, her children are going to need a lot of therapy.

this is your brain on stupid

i don't smoke pot. i will, however, be the first to admit that people who do are cool. my favorite people in the world are among the biggest potheads i know.

my point is that those asstarded anti-drug psa's are mind-bogglingly stupid. yesterday, i saw what i initially thought was a commercial for pot but it actually turned out to be some kind of mixed message about how marijuana gives you the superhuman ability to get your entire hand wrist-deep into your mouth. it kinda made me want to smoke up and try it.

there are much more convincing reasons not to smoke weed than the fact that it's uncool to succumb to peer pressure (come on – we all know it is very cool) and the possibility of being chased by a "lumberyard dog" (uhh - what decade is this? and what's a lumberyard?), and they are:

1) the munchies will make you fat.
2) there's a good chance you'll cough uncontrollably and look like an asshole in front of the cool kids.
3) you look stupid with bloodshot eyes.
4) it's illegal, and if you get caught you're actually in trouble.
5) if your parents ever found out they'd be pissed.

similarly, there are much better reasons not to drink too much than the idiot ones we hear in high school. after all, what sixteen-year-old is really that concerned about his liver? The real reasons it’s bad to drink are:

1) again, lots of calories in alcohol and you'll get fat.
2) beer goggles.
3) puke is gross.

any questions?




----------------------------------------------
update: due to popular demand, i have removed the somewhat nsfw cannabis leaf from this post. in fairness, i couldn't really read my own blog at work with that shit up there. if you want to see it, do a google image search for "pot leaf", if you're not already too baked to care.

a plea to parents everywhere

if your little girl's hair doesn't fit neatly into two braids, the appropriate solution is not - not! - to put it into three braids. i cannot emphasize this enough. please, stop the madness.

young, sexy, and now, a professional writer!

emily, of course, not me. i'm practically illiterate.

anyway, check her out at campus progress. and let's talk about sex, baby.

mayhem indeed

thanks to a recent gawkering, my traffic has been pushed up beyond sustainable levels:



now, children, i have a sobering announcement to make: i am not clever. i am just so incredibly good-looking that you got confused there for a little while. anyway, now that the wave has passed, i'm off to get through life on my outrageously good looks. but on your way out, feel free to click on those ads up there. they're not going to click themselves.

happiness is...

reese witherspoon is adorable and, apparently, always was

Adventures in speed-dating

after some thought, i believe that the best way to describe to you the events of last night would be through interpretive dance. but since you can't see me and my coworkers already think i'm retarded, i'll use a different medium.

(disclaimer: obviously, i stole this idea from here.)

You get an e-mail from your friend, S, describing a "speed dating" event and asking if you'd be interested in going to it with her.

What do you want to do now?

>LACK FORESIGHT
You respond to her e-mail agreeing that it sounds like fun, and buy a ticket.

>RATIONALIZE STUPID BEHAVIOR
You convince yourself that you can get your money's worth at the "1-hour open wine bar and free hors d'oeuvres".

It is the day of the event.

>WASTE MONEY
You take a cab to the upper west side.
S is here.

>GO INSIDE
You are in a small room with S.
No one else is here.

>LOOK DOWN
No one else is here.

>LOOK DOWN
There are many very short people here.

>FIND ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE
There are a few attractive women here.

>FIND ATTRACTIVE MEN
There are no attractive men here.

>FIND BAR
There is no bar here.

>FIND HORS D'OEUVRES
Where the fuck do you think you are? This is a JCC or something.
There is a small table with cheese and crackers, vegetables and dip.
There is a small table with some bottles of kosher wine on it.

>GET DRUNK
You drink half a bottle of bad white wine.
You are drunk.

>FIND ATTRACTIVE MEN
There are no attractive men here.

>EMBARRASS SELF
Your fly is open.

>DRINK MORE
You drink some more wine.
You are hammered.

It is time for the event to begin.

>MEET UGLY MEN
You spend 3 minutes each with a bajillion different ugly men.
None of them are worth more than 3 minutes of your time.

>LOWER STANDARDS
None of them are worth more than 3 minutes of your time.

>LOWER STANDARDS
None of them are worth more than 3 minutes of your time.

>LOWER STANDARDS
None of them are worth more than 3 minutes of your time.

>DRINK MORE
You drink some more wine.
You are plastered.

>LOWER STANDARDS
None of them are worth more than 3 minutes of your time.

>EMBARRASS SELF
You fall out of your chair.

>DRINK MORE
You drink some more wine.
You are fucking trashed.

>LOWER STANDARDS
Purely out of curiosity and embarrassment, you circle "Yes" for five of the gazillion ugly men.

>IMMEDIATELY REGRET DECISION
That was a very, very stupid idea.

>HIT ROCK BOTTOM
The event organizer tries to hit on you.

>LEAVE THIS PLACE
You sob quietly on the subway.

>CHANGE PHONE NUMBER AND E-MAIL ADDRESS
Yes, you probably should.

tonight:

i'm going "speed dating".

yeah.






relax, it's for "research".

for my novel.

the great american novel.

no, not "sweet valley high".




whatever; i'll get my money's worth at the 1-hour open wine bar.

to quote defamer, "cute-plasma state beyond mere cute overload"

i'd just like to say this

nick sylvester is a good guy. a nice guy. and a very talented writer. specifically, about fifty times more talented than i am. i am keeping my fingers crossed for him, and you should too.

now!

better late than never

i know it's been a few days, but saturday night live hit on another baby gem this week with host (...hottie, and harvard homegirl) natalie portman. it was deceptively buried late into the (otherwise lackluster) program, but made my whole night on the couch totally worth it. check it out.

(ok, it wasn't a whole night on the couch. i took a blissfully long, hot bath with my fancy, graduation-gift bath oils and a glass of chilled riesling. really, my best quasi-ill saturday night in a long time.)

christians scare the everloving shit out of me

from a terrifying web site about "saving" people from homosexuality:

I also choose to believe that good will come from this situation--not just for me, but also for my son. I refuse to relinquish him to Satan. I pray daily for him and others caught in the trap of homosexuality. Through God's grace, I have made the decision to love, not hate. To stand, not to give up. To help others who face the same pain that I have faced.

check out the site if you have a stronger stomach than i.

thoughts on jennifer aniston

upon further reflection, i totally understand why she looked so pissed last night. obviously, there's that whole psychotic ex-roommate thing. but that wouldn't be enough to explain the completely-dead-soul look she was sporting last night. so here's my theory:

a few years ago, when she and brad were married, she revealed at some awards show or other (i think it may in fact have been the oscars) that she was wearing underwear with a picture of brad's face on it. this seemed cute at the time. whatever.

anyway, she's been so busy the last few weeks, getting ready for the oscars and cleaning up vince vaughn's trail of vomit, that she hasn't had time to do her laundry. it's so simple: she was wearing the brad undies. that look of defeat in her eyes wasn't "i lost my man to a home-wrecking charity whore"; it was "i told him to never speak to me again and trashed him in vanity fair and now his face is wedged up my fanny".

oh yeah, she also probably had a wedgie.

back off, bitches. she's mine.

have i ever told you about the kavorka?

for those of you who are less tv-obsessed than i am, that was a seinfeld reference. anyway, the point is, my wife leaves a trail of broken hearts wherever she goes. one excellent example is her ex-boyfriend, a man she heartlessly dumped around two years ago. yes. two years. he is currently a law student and has never recovered from the heartache. the instant messages, the phone calls, and the weekly delivery of six dozen roses arranged to spell out "i love you forever and ever please come back to me i can't live without you boo hoo hoo" sometimes start to wear on her. exhibit a, the string of obnoxious ims she received this morning:

tool: HA
tool: HA
tool: who's not working
tool: ?
tool: that'd be me
tool:
tool: whatchoo doin, not being on spring break like me?
tool: ()
tool: who's going to florida tomorrow?
tool: oh, that'd be me
tool: uh oh, someone's too busy to IM her law student friend
tool: that's because you're not on spring break!
tool: once again, I emphasize:
tool: sp
tool: ring
tool: BREAK
tool:
mywife: dude
mywife: i'm kinda busy
mywife: but that's very nice for you
tool: hehe, I'm not
mywife: congratulations
tool: sorry, I'm just messin with ya - talk to you soon
tool: hope your non-spring break goes well!
mywife: gee, thanks
tool: any time
mywife: next time just keep the spring break excitement to yourself
tool: aw
tool: now I feel guilty
mywife: as wonderful as i'm sure it is
tool: I just wanted to talk to you
tool:
tool: jk, I wanted to rub in the spring break thing
tool: anyway, I'll stop being an ass while you're at work
tool: talk to you soon

EPILOGUE:

INT. TOOL'S BEDROOM.

The shades are drawn.

SFX: gentle sobbing.

FADE OUT.

fin.

so, you probably watched the oscars last night. you also probably don't care what i have to say about it. but, you know what? fuck you.

patsy's angry review notwithstanding, i had a great time watching the show. having only seen a few of the relevant or even vaguely relevant movies (capote, match point, and brokeback), i wasn't qualified to care much about any of the awards, but here were the take-home points:

jon stewart: not in top form, but pretty good for network tv. i still love him for miles.

ben stiller: still a one-trick pony, but as long as that one trick is good (as it was last night) i'm on board.

the wilson brothers: yes, owen looks chubby. but they were adorable and probably entertaining, though i wasn't really listening but fantasizing about having a three-way with both of them. it's not incest if i'm there, right?

will ferrell and steve carell: BEST. PAIRING. EVER. also on my "to-do" list, along with...

george clooney: good god, man. hot. hot. fucking. god. so... HOT.

sorry. george clooney does things to me. and surely deserves two bullet points for his HOTNESS.

did i mention that george clooney is really fucking hot?

salma hayek: shockingly hot. easily the hottest woman in attendance, and the second hottest person overall. my to-do list is getting really long. and diverse.

michelle williams: you may think she looked like a creamsicle, but i think she looked stunning, especially for someone who chooses to live in brooklyn.

nicole kidman: plastic.

jennifer aniston: it's getting harder and harder to keep liking her.

charlize theron: bravely waiting for surgeons to figure out how to safely remove the ginormous ribbon tumor taking over her left side.

george clooney: call me.

more dialogue from the range

while discussing someone for whom we both have a pretty baseless distaste:

me: i don't even really know why, but i just don't like her.

wife: me too.

pause.

me: i think it's because she's unattractive.

wife: ...yeah, i think that's it.

ann coulter is retarded.

but you knew that already.

Patsy's Pearls of Wisdom, 3/2/06

"barfing is not good for office morale."

Mississippi Bill to Ban Most Abortions Advances

...but, the good news is, there's still no reason to ever go to mississippi.

TrendWatch update

i went to h&m today, where i learned that

1) apparently, The Vest is back, and

2) i'm fat.

so, an awesomely educational lunch break.

you know it's time to reassess your life when...

...you're reading about anna nicole smith and can't help but think, "wow. that sounds like me in twenty years."

all i want for st. patty's day

pure genius, by way of my emily

Ohio lawmaker to propose ban on GOP adoption

BY CARL CHANCELLOR
Knight Ridder Newspapers

AKRON, Ohio - If an Ohio lawmaker's proposal becomes state law, Republicans would be barred from being adoptive parents.

State Sen. Robert Hagan sent out e-mails to fellow lawmakers late Wednesday night, stating that he intends to "introduce legislation in the near future that would ban households with one or more Republican voters from adopting children or acting as foster parents." The e-mail ended with a request for co-sponsorship.

On Thursday, the Youngstown Democrat said he had not yet found a co-sponsor.

Hagan said his "tongue was planted firmly in cheek" when he drafted the proposed legislation. However, Hagan said that the point he is trying to make is nonetheless very serious.

Hagan said his legislation was written in response to a bill introduced in the Ohio House this month by state Rep. Ron Hood, R-Ashville, that is aimed at prohibiting gay adoption.

"We need to see what we are doing," said Hagan, who called Hood's proposed bill blatantly discriminatory and extremely divisive. Hagan called Hood and the eight other conservative House Republicans who backed the anti-gay adoption bill "homophobic."

Hood's bill, which does not have support of House leadership, seeks to ban children from being placed for adoption or foster care in homes where the prospective parent or a roommate is homosexual, bisexual or transgender.

To further lampoon Hood's bill, Hagan wrote in his mock proposal that "credible research" shows that adopted children raised in Republican households are more at risk for developing "emotional problems, social stigmas, inflated egos, and alarming lack of tolerance for others they deem different than themselves and an air of overconfidence to mask their insecurities."

However, Hagan admitted that he has no scientific evidence to support the above claims.

Just as "Hood had no scientific evidence" to back his assertion that having gay parents was detrimental to children, Hagan said.

"It flies in the face of reason when we need to reform our education system, address health care and environmental issues that we put energy and wasted time (into) legislation (Hood's) like this," continued Hagan, who has been in the Ohio Senate nine years. Before the Senate, he served 19 years in the Ohio House.

alex kuczynski has too much money, and is retarded

from yesterday's critical shopper:

A dress in ivory, black and red tweed with a vintage rose-print top and sweetheart neckline was appealing, but at $1,595 it seemed expensive. Maybe you would pay that much for a suit in black, but not for a dress you would not wear frequently.

...yeah.

i might not have flinched at this, but i read it immediately after returning from mexx, where i spent my lunch break agonizing over whether a pair of totally fab wool pants were worth the $60 they cost. on sale.


fyi: i didn't get the pants.

amazon thinks i have a nice rack

the best news i've heard in... years.

this had better be true. cause otherwise, heads are gonna fucking roll.

AMAZING - thanks, patsy.

if you only do one thing today, please check out chewy's blog.

i mean, they do make cute clothes...

From: patsy
To: the happy hour mafia
Date: Feb 23, 2006 11:28 AM
Subject: Re: boring day.

my life goal is to have, like, nine anthropologie dresses, and wear nothing else.

some people's life goals involve world peace, but they can fucking eat me.

movie recommendation of the... week?

last night, over a romantic spread of champagne, risotto and scallops, the wife and i sat down and watched gentlemen prefer blondes, marilyn monroe's 1953 masterpiece that begat her legendary gang-bang "diamonds are a girl's best friend" sequence.

admittedly, i decided to watch it somewhat begrudgingly; i thought seeing a bit of 50-year-old cinematic history would make me somehow a little more worldly, more articulate, or... something, and stuff. well, it didn't, but the movie is fucking fabulous. for those who haven't seen it, do. it's an in-depth look into such timeless themes as greed, suspicion, gold-digging, nearly-naked men and roofies. the clothes are awesome. marilyn monroe is awesome. jane russell is awesome. elliott reid - who has since, according to imdb, appeared in such cultural cornerstones as "i love lucy", "casablanca", "the facts of life", "mr. belvedere", "small wonder" and "seinfeld", to name only a few - is hot. or was, anyway, in '53. seriously, watch it. meanwhile, the wife and i have resolved to watch every marilyn flick we can get our hands on, dye our hair blonde, and start smoking crack.

also, for those of you not on le facebook,

me, if i were a superhero:

YES!

last night?

i'm so glad you asked.

i'll give what i can dredge up through this ripping hangover. we cruised on down to the LES with another couple, my hot old roommate Commando and her current roommate. we hit up the uber-crowded happy ending and then made our way to libation where, fyi, it is very easy to jump the line if you smile pretty at the bouncer. once inside, we talked to a lot of random strangers. i told one young man a lot about myself, actually: my name is anna. i'm a very elite figure skater. i'm sorta friends with sarah hughes, but we're not all that close.

sometimes it's fun to lie.

never have i ever...

have you ever told someone exactly what you think of him? come right out and said things that common decency and the code of good taste tell you never, ever to say to someone?

i have.

it's many things, isn't it? it's surreal, it's horrifying... and it's extremely gratifying. you feel good, to the point of feeling a little guilty for it.

it's what i imagine it would feel like to see donald trump beaten senseless by a bunch of angry homeless people wielding 2x4's studded with rusty nails.

sigh.

February 16, 2006 -- REPORTS of the breakup of Tom Brady and Bridget Moynahan are premature. The quarterback and the actress were at the AT&T Pebble Beach Pro-Am in Carmel, Calif., last weekend looking very much like a couple. "She followed his round of golf and managed to get some kisses in, as well as a strategically placed hand on his bum as he walked to the tee box," said a witness. "She was totally hanging onto him and acting like a star-struck teenager." Dressed in jeans, sweater, and Converse All-Stars, Moynahan "looked hot, by the way, with great skin."

at long last - the weekend update!

...and just in time for the next weekend! long story short:

saturday afternoon: the wife and i depart for sunny-but-cold florida on a plane that looks more like a sardine can - a small sardine can.
saturday night: the wife and i arrive in florida, meeting up with her parents, our good old friend Juggs, and her parents.
sunday: still cold. we go outlet shopping and nearly break the bank. i do well enough for myself, with a gorgeous new gold trench and 2 pairs of shoes.
monday: slightly warmer. we putter around the gulf coast with the grown-ups.
tuesday: valentine's day and Juggs' 23rd birthday! we celebrate with warmer weather and frozen drinks by the pool, lunch at the ritz, and more frozen drinks by the pool. i get slightly sunburned. woot.
wednesday: a gorgeous, sunny, true southern florida day. we linger by the pool for as long as possible. i fall asleep in a lounge chair and scorch my entire body. ouch. we leave in time to catch our 7 pm sardine can home.
wednesday night: we arrive home in two pieces. our luggage miraculously makes it too. there is a box of delightful chocolates waiting for us, courtesy of one thoughtful admirer.

... and the time since has been mostly consumed by rolling around in tubs of aloe, eating truffles, whimpering, treading water in meetings and having extremely heated conversations with my old friend, Yves L'Ampoulé.

it's good to be back.

and

don't get your panties in a bunch, the vacation recap is coming.

NOT ok.

increasingly disturbing

From: [redacted - for what i think are obvious reasons]
To: Julie
Date: Feb 10, 2006 12:29 PM
Subject: be thankful

Sounds like you had some rough dreams. But you should be thankful that you didn't have a dream where your co-worker got you a male prostitute (or in your case a female). And this whore isn't a looker. Looks like one of those 50 year olds with no teeth that sit and panhandle on the corner. And the room you're in has two beds, and the co-worker just lies on one and watches while the prostitute takes you from behind. And this goes on far too long. And then your co-worker leaves and reminds you to make sure to pay...

Not that I've ever had such a dream, but umm, one could imagine.

Fortunately that co-worker moved to Chicago, because I could never look at him the same way after that.

then, moments later:

From: [same dude]
To: Julie
Date: Feb 10, 2006 12:33 PM
Subject: oh wait

You mean that line way back there? Like a couple miles back? Yeah, I guess I did see that. Sign said something like "the line of good taste". Figured I'd see what was on the other side.

last (crazy) night

drinks at the h-club, followed by a hot cup of lemon zinger tea and an im conversation with a coworker. not sure which of the aforementioned is to blame for this, but i had 2 really vivid, work-related bad dreams last night and couldn't sleep between 4 and 6 am. it was weird. the dreams - in no particular order - were:

1) getting fired. pretty standard theme, but very strange details. first of all, my office (of course) wasn't my office, and i worked for a different company (posh's company, it just so happens). first, the powers that be fired our evp, and then me. but the way that they did it was by having my officemate approach me and hand me a tiny picture of myself. i remember being relieved that at least it was a good picture of me. and i was comforted knowing that my new friend mike - the old man i chatted up at the h-club - would get me a new job.

2) oversleeping. also pretty standard theme, but in life when you oversleep, the staff of your office doesn't usually come to your apartment - which, of course, wasn't actually my apartment - to get you. and bring a bunch of rowdy children. odd that this one followed the one about getting fired. it didn't occur to me that i shouldn't have to go to work after i've been fired, but then again i'm not so bright.

i woke up many times before my alarm clock actually went off, and had to check each time to make sure that i was 1) still employed and 2) not late for work, yet. then, during breakfast, saved by the bell: wedding in las vegas was on!

looks like it's going to be an ok day after all.

it's a riot.

you're probably wondering if and when i'm going to comment on these cartoon riots. or maybe you're not. i don't know or really care. anyway, i haven't said anything about them so far because i just don't see what the big deal is. all these political geniuses seem to be shocked and stumped at the reason behind all this, and i don't know why. it's all very simple: rioting is fun. lighting stuff on fire is fun. making stuff blow up, and seeing stuff blow up, is fun. really. just ask any red sox fan.

that's not how i interpreted it...

Hipster guy: Two black guys fucking two white bitches on Martin Luther King day. That shit's trippy. I bet that was what that whole "I have a dream" shit was really about. The right to fuck white bitches.

--Starbucks, 28th & 3rd

way to pay a tribute, amazon.

Please note that the price of The Feminine Mystique has increased from $10.17 to $10.85 in the time since you placed it in your cart. Items in your Shopping Cart will always reflect the most recent price displayed on the item's product detail page.

if only betty had lived to see this...

YES!

further evidence of a benevolent deity:

February 8, 2006 -- IT looks like former Super Bowl MVP Tom Brady has called it off with his love of two years, Bridget Moynahan. Our spies said Brady was in Detroit over the weekend and "acting very single - going out to the parties and hitting on a lot of women." Usher also scored at Playboy's Super Saturday "8 Mile High Club" party with Playboy's Miss April 2005, Courtney Culkin.

psst... tom... call me.

an open letter to ashlee simpson

dear ashlee,

one: that's not how you spell "ashley".

two: you are not attractive.

three: you are not talented.

four: you appear to be mildly retarded.

stop trying to sing, yelp, grunt, and prance about in the public eye. you have nothing to offer the world of entertainment. your sister jessica is moderately attractive and talented, but dumb as a post and not nearly good or pretty enough to justify your being famous. also, please tell her to deflate her lips and put some clothes on as she's starting to look like a shriveled old whore.

most importantly, however, is that you stop what you are doing immediately. it is offensive to anyone capable of seeing and/or hearing you. i have no doubt that you would make a fantastic cocktail waitress, shoe shine, dominatrix or human cannonball. the world, as they say, is your oyster, and with all these other options you have no reason to despair. but please, for the greater good, and for the children, stop. now.

love,
julie

the worst thing i've ever seen

are ya kidding me, freshdirect?

Is Valentine's Day simply a stinging reminder of singlehood, like a coarse-grained sea salt rubbed into your painful, wounded heart? We've got a few ideas on how to ease the suffering. Just check out this handy selection of our favorite items for the brokenhearted. From bitters (to match your mood) to thyme (said to heal all wounds) these items might just cushion the bumpy trip from your blind denial all the way to newfound acceptance of single life.

DENIAL

Almost Perfect Mashed Potatoes $5.99/ea
Del Monte Sliced Peaches in Heavy Syrup $1.89/ea
Fantastik All Purpose Spray Cleaner $2.89/ea
Gummy Peachy O's $1.29/bag
Häagen-Dazs Peaches & Cream Ice Cream $3.39/ea
Jolly Ranchers $1.59/bag
Just Peachy Prejean Late Harvest Vignoles (375ml) $15.00/ea
Perfect Pear Gift Box $34.99/ea
Sweet Ride! Château Cadillac Club Merlot Bordeaux 2003 $12.00/ea
vitaminwater revive (fruit punch) $1.25/ea

ANGER

Angostura Bitters $5.99/ea
Canada Dry Bitter Lemon $1.49/ea
Crab Dip $11.49/ea
Heinz Distilled White Vinegar $1.59/ea
Melinda's XXXTra Hot Sauce $2.99/ea
Seared Cajun Blackened Salmon (ready-to-cook) $7.99/ea
Sour Kosher Dill Pickles $1.29/lb
Sour Patch Kids $1.99/bag
Totally Mad! Château Peyros Magenta Madiran 2002 $11.50/ea

BARGAINING

Chocolate Lovers' Gift Box $39.99/ea
If You Care Unbleached #2 Coffee Filters $3.49/ea
Kraft Miracle Whip Salad Dressing $2.49/ea
Pierre Herme Bonbons de Chocolat (Chocolate Assortment) $42.00/ea
Sweet Shop Handmade Truffles Large Gift Box $14.99/ea
Sweet Shop Handmade Truffles Small Gift Box $5.99/ea

DEPRESSION

Bactine Pain Relief Cleansing Spray $5.39/ea
Brooklyn Brewery Black Chocolate Stout $9.99/ea
Cracked Green Olives $4.99/lb
Delirium Tremens $8.99/ea
Edy's Grand Double Fudge Brownie Ice Cream $4.19/ea
Kleenex 2-Ply Facial Tissue, 85ct $2.19/ea
Refresh Tears Eye Drops $9.99/ea

ACCEPTANCE

After The Fall Cranberry Meets Raspberry Juice $2.39/ea
All-American Super Hero $69.99/ea
Fresh Step Scoopable Cat Litter $7.99/ea
Land O'Lakes American Singles, White $3.39/ea
Nabisco Sociables Crackers $2.99/ea
Promised Land Memorial Candle (burns 26 hours) $0.99/ea
Quaker Life Cereal $3.59/ea
Sabra Chumus Solo $1.99/ea

seriously... what?

people are awesome.

selected responses to the story of my day yesterday

"SHIT!"

"HOLY shit!"

"that is the worst thing i've ever heard."

"wow."

more mcsweeneys

by josh michtom, whose beautiful baby max i used to babysit, and whose lovely wife anna does some amazing work at my old lab, including invaluable help with my thesis topic. anyway, apparently he's also pretty clever:

IF POETS NAMED BREAKFAST CEREALS

Orgasmic Clusters of Searing Pain

Bran and Plump Raisins, Pregnant With Earthy Promise

Opalescent Flakes of Lonely Night

The Sharpness of a Breath of Winter Air (with real strawberries)

Cookie-Crisp

geometric relationships more realistic than the love triangle

from mcsweeneys. a week old, but brilliant:

GEOMETRIC RELATIONSHIPS MORE REALISTIC THAN THE LOVE TRIANGLE

The where-did-you-get-this-number rhombus

A trapezoid that just needs a little space

Two congruent rectangles who haven't spoken since John and Erica's wedding

A cylinder in love with itself

The intensely lonely sphere who, finishing his eighth double Scotch of the evening, blankly stares into the middle distance, considering the irrevocable march toward death

Self-hating cube

seems i really make an impression

From: Matt
To: Julie
Date: Feb 1, 2006 12:38 PM
Subject: ouch

I just poked myself in the eye with my own finger. It hurt. But, to quote the guy who made your blog the other day, it made me think of you.

dialogue over dinner

wife: fucking raymond. fucking mark summers. fucking fuck. fuck. shit. fucking. fuck.

me: so... how's that tourette's going?

wife: penis.

Harvard Affiliate Nearly Robbed Outside Kirkland

see, this makes no sense to me. there are plenty of good places to try to rob someone in harvard square. in front of kirkland house is probably the worst.

yes, it's a slow enough day that i'm reading the crimson.

holy crap.

funny lookin'?

last night, the wife and i had finished up our standard romantic dinner and were all in our pj's and getting ready to snuggle into bed, when my phone rang. it was my dear cousineighbor, calling to suggest that i accompany her to an improv show at her home away from home, the upright citizens brigade theatre (they spell it all britishy because they're snobby and dyslexic). i looked at my watch. it was already after 9 and creeping towards my 10:00 bedtime.

"fuck it," i said, and went.

it was really fun. the performers were writers for snl and the daily show, which made me feel cool by osmosis. and i had a great excuse to skip my run this morning.

so.

took the good ol' greyhound back to boston this weekend for the Dynamic Women in Business conference at hbs.

what a waste of a saturday.

i just want to know when they're going to have the "type-b slacker women in business" conference, cause that's more my speed. then again, they probably couldn't get their shit together to actually pull that off, and no one would actually bother going, so maybe it's not going to happen.

on the upside, i returned with 2-3 fewer inches of hair, clean underwear, a new sweater and a george forman grill. on balance: worth it, i think.

thinking of me? how sweet.

early this morning, i got an im from an ex-whathaveyou, telling me that he woke up with the worst hangover he's had in a long time. and - get ready to be really touched - it made him think of me.

all together now: "awwwwwwwwww..."

more excellent monkey shots

enjoy some of these less ugly monkeys, in case you have a life, or job, that prevents you from scouring the site like i did:

also, know that you can ADOPT A MONKEY, thus making yourself the coolest person i know, without contest.

quite possibly the greatest thing i've ever seen

if this shit is for real - and it looks like it is - then this is the best thing ever. maggie's boss, mr. pit, apparently just donated enough to provide fruit, vegetables and training treats for two monkeys in training.

what a fine citizen.

a bad sign

i just got home from work. i get a call from mom:

mom: does your office have caller ID?
me: yes.
mom: oh. hmm....

and i can't believe i forgot to mention

alta, the fantastic tapas place in the village where we dined friday night. definitely check it out. definitely get the bacon-wrapped dates. i also recommend all the desserts on the menu, particularly the bittersweet chocolate risotto.

aw, crap. now i'm drooling.

a theological test

if i make it to the weekend without getting shitcanned, i'll know there is a god. and that - for some reason - she likes me.

the weekend hiatus

good times, good times.

yesterday, we had brunch at essex. the food gets a 9.5. the service gets a 1. it's worth it if you have the time and patience for the retardedly long wait (we waited for a table for about an hour and a half, and waited for forks for ten minutes after our food arrived). the waitstaff is overworked and incompetent and sometimes downright rude (see amelia's story for a shocking example) but the cocktails flow like lube at the adult movie awards and the people-watching is unbeatable. plus, you can entertain yourself during your excruciatingly long wait by exploring the shabby-chic neighborhood and all it has to offer, particularly economy candy (i am enjoying my new ernie-shaped pez dispenser at this very moment) and toys in babeland (and my mini flashlight-keyring-vibrator... i think i might lose my job today).

then, when we had barely digested that schmorgasboard, we headed crosstown to dine with friends in their fucking spectacular new palace of an apartment. as they are good cooks and tidy people with a pull-out couch in a very convenient location, i intend to invite myself to many a pajama party there.

i am in absolute awe of this person's genius

disclaimer: i stole this from patsy.

methinks gawker knows too much

in their coverage of naked sunday, gawker links to another article. and, in what can only be a freaky/awesome mistake, they refer to "Julie No-Pants Subway Ride".

they're on to me.

inexplicably fun

bea arthur and i are the same height! check it out.

help!

i went to amazon because there was one book - one! - that i wanted. now i have $172.30 worth of shit in my cart, and i don't know what to take out. i'm not even a very literate person. most of this is angry feminist bitch lit and last year's new york times bestsellers cause i'm mainstream and cheesy. but i want it all. maybe you can help. here's what i have:

- curtis sittenfeld: prep
- mary gaitskill: veronica
- haruki murakami: kafka on the shore
- simone de beauvoir: the second sex
- betty friedan: the feminist mystique
- naomi wolf: the beauty myth
- zadie smith: on beauty (i hear it's set at "not harvard", which makes me want to read it)
- joan didion: the year of magical thinking
- maureen dowd: are men necessary? (don't even try to talk me out of this one)
- ana marie cox (a.k.a. wonkette): dog days

(oh, there's also some other random merch in there, hanging closet organizers and shit that i kinda need, which explains why the total is higher than maybe it would seem it should be)

so help me out here, kids! which of these have you read and hated? and which of these should i not bother with? and which of these do you own and want to lend me so i don't have to eat dust bunnies and back issues of Us magazine next month?

go away, i'm busy reading the 220-page transcript of paris hilton's deposition.

is it possible

that my feet are shrinking?

amazon wants to make sure i have protection

riddle of the day

q: what do you get when you cross a bus full of angry new yorkers and indignant patriots fans, a traffic jam, and a drug-addled driver?

a: that's right, it's our six-hour ride home!

yesterday, at around 4:00 pm EST, the wife and i decided (naively enough) to board a boston-to-new york bus. four and a half hours, right? maybe faster, given that the "holiday" status would free us of that sticky "rush hour" problem, right? yeah?

wrong. we failed to take into account 1) insane traffic for most of the ride (why? we still don't know.) and 2) the fact that our driver was apparently on smack.

more than once, upon encountering a traffic jam, he pulled over to the side of the road, staggered to the back of the bus, did something (we didn't ask questions) in the bathroom, and plopped himself down in one of the rear seats while befuddled passengers glanced around in disbelief. apparently, the best way to clear a traffic jam is to just FUCKING GIVE UP.

anyway, disastrous ride home aside, the weekend was good, smirnoff ice-fueled fun. we had our first taste of impending "marriage" at pauline's engagement party, reconnected with the ya-yas and did some serious outlet shopping damage. plus, i got to stay in the parents' house even though they were out of town, which was fun because it felt like breaking and entering.

umm... is amazon threatening me?

for those of you who don't perform a lot of emergency first aid, that's a defibrillator. as in, KA-CHUNG-zap!

another worthy point

From: Matt
To: Julie
Date: Jan 13, 2006 3:51 PM

Along with your stated reasons, I'm hoping Brangelina's baby is ugly just so that SealHeid can have an ugly celebrity-baby playmate.

jennifer aniston isn't so tapped in after all

it turns out brangelina didn't tell jen about the pregnancy ahead of time. which means that she found out about it just like the rest of us: from patsy.

i genuinely hope the brangeletus ends up ugly. not because i have strong feelings about them, their relationship, world politics, or anything with any moral leanings, but just because i think it would be funny. really, really funny. or at least kinda funny.

oy.

dinner with friends last night at joshua tree = excellent.

but oh, where did my alcohol tolerance go?

roughly 3 drinks down (with dinner, mind you) and i was down for the count. now, this may not sound remarkable to you, but bear in mind that i normally have the tolerance of a mid-sized pro football player.

miraculously dragged myself to work this morning (with some assistance from the lovely folks over at the mta) and was delighted to find an assload of diet coke and equal had been delivered to the office - two very important commodities in my life that we had been lacking for weeks. what can i say? i loves me some aspartame.

this weekend, i am super pumped to announce, the wife and i will be journeying to old boston to attend the engagement (gasp!) party of pauline, one of my/our dearest childhood friends. absolutely psyched out of my mind to see so many people i haven't seen in so very long, and to get to know the groom-to-be a little better and maybe strike a little healthy fear into his heart (hey, it's what i do best).

just keeping you on your toes, kiddos

i only check overheard once a week

so forgive me if you've seen this one:

Chick #1: And I was like, goddamn, it's food...I can eat it, you know?
Chick #2: Seriously. Just because she's anorexic doesn't mean she can impose her thoughts about food on you!
Chick #3: Wait, wait, wait. Back up. You ate a cracker you found on the floor of the subway?

--Chinatown Ice Cream Factory, Bayard Street

speaking of bulimia...

so, i fulfilled my dream of reading the lindsay lohan piece in vanity fair. when i finished, i closed the magazine (because, honestly, what else do i care about in VF?) with a sense of satisfaction. lindsay, it seemed to me, had come around and was turning back into the spunky starlet that i once actually liked. with her dramatic flair, she had confessed to being a rail-blowing, card-maxing, chunk-hurling whack job who craves attention just as much as anybody else. plus, with a little meat on her, she's hot again.

but sadly, it wouldn't stay that way. yesterday (or the day before, i think), that whack job went and took it all back. she (/her publicist) issued a statement (to teen people, of all places) saying VF "misused and misconstrued" her statements.

too bad, babycakes. you were thisclose to being cool in my book. now you're just another skanky snowflake in the blizzard of trashy, vapid celebrity bullshit.

simmer down, kiddies

i know, i know, i'm slacking. but i'm trying. besides, i've heard that the best part of a long-term bloglationship is the makeup blog. so, enjoy.

i noticed on my way home yesterday that the mannequins in Strawberry by 6th ave have unnecessarily prominent nipples. seriously, what's up with that?

well, i guess it caught my attention. but it didn't make me want to buy their clothes. on the other hand, i did feel strangely compelled to go watch some low-budget cable porn. maybe they're in cahoots with the lovely fellas over on 8th ave.

in other news, i had dinner last night at a really great cuban restaurant near times square with my long-lost little "brother" and his current squeeze toy. i didn't get to spend as much time with them as i would have liked (they were on their way to see sweeney todd, and i was Envy McJealous), but it was lots of fun nonetheless. plus, this place makes truly fabulous passionfruit mojitos.

a retraction

the same friend who alerted me to wal-mart's questionable marketing techniques points out that i may have been a little hard on them:

Oh come now. Wal-Mart doesn't HATE black people. They just don't differentiate between them and, say, feces-flinging orangutans who sniff each others butts. I think there's a big difference there, and that you owe the good folks at Wal-Mart an apology.

he's right. and so, lovely wal-mart folk, i'm sorry.

sorry that you're such a bunch of assholes!

(zing!)

also: in case you didn't know, wal-mart is evil

in addition to being generally pure evil, wal-mart hates black people (3rd item).

christina aguilera is the only one who understands me

January 9, 2006 -- CHRISTINA Aguilera has dismissed disparaging remarks made by Kelly Osbourne, insisting the cherubic reality-show starlet must be infatuated with her. Aguilera, who wed music executive Jordan Bratman in November, says she can find no other explanation for Osbourne's recent spate of catty comments. Aguilera claims she's convinced the attention she's getting is merely masking Osbourne's romantic feelings for her, reports contactmusic.com. She says, "Kelly must have a crush on me because she's always saying mean things about me."

see? this is what i've been saying all along. this is why susie said such mean things about me after i made out with her boyfriend. she obviously wanted a three-way. and this is why katie called me a bitch after i stole her money and jewelry box and shoes. *sigh*. it must be so hard for all these women to be so in love with me and know that they can never have me.

this guy was secretary of the navy.

but at least he had a sense of humor about it.

Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
- John Lehman

oh... are you still here?

whoopsie. took a little hiatus there. hiya. didja miss me?

i thought so.

what's the story? don't even ask.

anyhoo, i'm back at the helm of this fine "publication", and of my life. as it were. in the time since you last heard from me, i have

- seen match point: very good. not one, but two smoldering hot dudes. recommend it highly
- seen broken flowers: very disappointing. recommend it if you like slow, pointless movies that could have been fabulous but are executed terribly. shame on you, jim jarmusch.
- spun some magic with the wife in the kitchen, in the form of at least three to-die-for recipes
- spied natalie portman at lower east side acid trip Happy Ending
- re-watched stay tuned (john ritter's finest work), as should you
- treated myself to some killer sky-high stack-heeled brown knee boots. they have buckles on them that unfortunately jingle when i walk around my too-quiet office
- treated myself to some designer jeans of questionable authenticity
- had an acute craving for tasti d-lite. ok, so that one is actually happening right now

incoherent babble to come later. it's good to be back.

such a cosmopolitan readership i have!

states we're still waiting on:

delaware
montana
north dakota
south carolina
west virginia
wyoming

other countries we've reached out and touched:

albania
australia
belgium
brazil
canada
chile
denmark
dominican republic
ecuador!!
finland
france
germany
hong kong
hungary
india
indonesia
ireland
israel
italy
jamaica
japan
jordan
korea
kuwait
malaysia
mexico
netherlands
new zealand
norway
pakistan
poland
portugal
scotland
singapore
slovenia
spain
sweden
switzerland
taiwan
turkey
u.k.
ukraine
venezuela
yemen
zimbabwe

i know i shouldn't be admitting this, but

i am absolutely dying to read the lindsay lohan bit in the new vanity fair.

but then again, i maintain that i thought she was the shit before it was fashionable, and before she turned into a coked out superwhore. i'm talking in the days of her halfway decent remake of the parent trap. ok, that's a lie. she was like 10 then. but that was when i first recognized that dennis quaid is The Hotness.

better late than never

i know, christmas is over, but most of you jesus freaks still have your damn lights up, so i thought it wouldn't be too late to post the best rant i've found so far on the war on christmas, "fuck christmas", and to marvel at the fact that i hadn't found it until now. be sure to check out all the ridiculous shit he links to.

and to all a happy new year

a number of you have asked what i did on new year's eve. well, although i had a fabulous time, i didn't come away with any really interesting stories. i was going to make one up, but a terminal combination of laziness and complete lack of imagination has thwarted me once again. suffice it to say, booze was consumed, onlookers were scandalized, tickets were scalped, bathrooms were barfed in (not by me, for the record), and balls were dropped. fun times were had by all, or so we hypothesize based our scattered, hazy memories.

the other question i've been fielding is whether i've made any new year's resolutions this year. as i live by the theory that setting low or no expectations is the only way to live (at 22, yes, i am a bitter, cynical old hag), i mostly haven't. except that i sort of have, but nothing beyond the usual meat loaf of drink less, eat better, exercise harder and sleep more. all moderately attainable, if you're a person of self-respect and discipline.....

hey, where'd my dozen donuts go?


as for the brief 2005 recap, here it comes.

things i did in the past 12 months:

- graduated from an arguably decent college
- made all the necessary preparations to apply to grad school
- vowed never to apply to grad school
- consumed enough alcohol to poison an entire cattle farm, or two
- eaten hundreds of burritos and thousands of eels
- found myself adrift in a sea of "adulthood", including a fantastic thing i've discovered called Independence

and, down here, i was going to put a list of things i plan to do in the next 12 months, but i, um... prefer to let you use your imagination. yeah. that's right.

happy new year, bitches.

the Times spoils cuteness by talking about it

Cuteness is distinct from beauty, researchers say, emphasizing rounded over sculptured, soft over refined, clumsy over quick. Beauty attracts admiration and demands a pedestal; cuteness attracts affection and demands a lap. Beauty is rare and brutal, despoiled by a single pimple. Cuteness is commonplace and generous, content on occasion to cosegregate with homeliness.

"rounded", "soft", "clumsy"... ok, ok, i'll take "cute" instead of "beautiful". or even "decent". come on, give me something here.

swayze may be crazy,

but he'll always be the lovably rough-around-the-edges, heart-of-gold johnny castle to me.