erin go bragh!!

my new neighborhood is very irish. (and korean. and turkish. and greek. and jewish.) and probably my second-favorite result of this (my first-favorite is, of course, the abundance of irish pubs on EVERY SINGLE BLOCK within a 2-mile radius) is the upscale irish grocery down the street from me. it is a wondrous place, where i've found such treasures as walker's roast chicken flavored potato chips, those weird european sodas that come in the tall skinny bottles, and all manner of imported cadbury's products. but i nearly dropped my tin of batchelor's beans when i saw this:

yes, you read that correctly. irish. breakfast.
no wonder they were always after that dude's lucky charms.

having a superpower is swell

...but when your superpower is charming the sushi guy into giving you extra sushi, and then the sushi looks like this:

well, let's just say that horrendous, disgusting sushi is my kryptonite.

note to farecast

philadelphia is not a "nearby airport" to new york. you fucking asstards.

Study: Taller people 'happier' - Oddities News - redOrbit

sounds like being tall with fat thighs is a great place to be! suddenly my day is looking up. thanks, Science!

i knew there was a reason...

...i am so much healthier than all y'all skinny bitches.

reason #4493 why the bus sucks

people talking loudly on their cell phones with no awareness that this is annoying to the people around them (note: whether they are unaware or just don't care is irrelevant; i prefer to give assholes the benefit of the doubt). i present to you exhibit A, the dumb bitch chatting away behind me at maximal outside-voice volume:

"that's a great point! i've never heard of another puppet - besides the Muppets - called Muppets. i don't know; it's a great question. that is very... philosophical."

perhaps it's worth mentioning here that reason #4494 is that people don't know what the word "philosophical" means. or "muppet".

recipe for a delicious breakfast

what's that? you want to try the fabulous breakfast that i had this morning? no problem; i'm never shy about sharing recipes:

Ingredients:

• one egg
• 1 t butter
• one slice of wheat bread
• one slice bright orange american "cheese"
• hot sauce (optional)

Directions:

melt butter in pan. place cheese on bread and put in toaster oven to toast. while toast is toasting, crack egg in pan and fry, sunny side up. remove bread (with layer of semi-melted cheese) from toaster oven. place egg, yolk side down, on top. sprinkle with hot sauce to taste. eat a couple of bites. smash plate and contents (including sticky egg yolk) on floor of your new kitchen. look down and observe blood streaming down your leg. screech in frustration. cry.

bon appétit!

why i love dan savage, part MCLXVIII

he only ever prints messages from the haters, never from those of us who adore him. nonetheless, i give you what might be his finest work to date:

From: pz99999@XXXXXX.XXX
To: Dan Savage
Sent: Tue, Sep 1, 2009 7:38 PM
Subject: you are the savage love guy, small world

Dan,

There is a local paper in St. Louis, MO called the River Front Times. I use it to start my bar-b-que coals. And I sometimes read a section called the Savage love just to see what new levels of depravity you will stoop to. I was watching MSNBC fascist propaganda this evening and I saw you on there with Olberman that nasty little man.

I got news for you, you can believe your own baloney but people are pissed off at the democrats and also the republicans. Your an idiot, if you can't fuck it you are not interested so I won't try and explain how Obama is a continuation of the progressive fascist movement of the early 20th century. Yes fascist you retard, fascism is a product of the left not the right. Nazis were what, "National SOCIALISTS" You dummies are talking about the protesters because you are afraid of them and rightly so. They are going to throw this government out of office one way or another. You don't understand people that will die for their principles because you hold nothing sacred. There a a lot of us that are not religious but we respect those nice people that you scorn. I wouldn't give a squirt of Olberman's leaking piss for anything thing you say or write. You are a nasty little man, a pathetic loser that makes his living talking about pac king fudge. Your disgusting.

From: Dan Savage
To: pz99999@XXXXXX.XXX
Sent: Tue, Sep 1, 2009 7:41 PM
Subject: Re: you are the savage love guy, small world

"you're disgusting."

dan

From: pz99999@XXXXXX.XXX
To: Dan Savage
Sent: September 2, 2009 4:25 AM
Subject: Re: you are the savage love guy, small world

that is a ironic coming from you! I don't fault you for being different but you are bitter like an old woman. You attack everything good and descent because it damns you. You are a pustule of the first order. Keep spouting your crap because you are lighting a nation on fire that will take it back from you nasty little fascists.

From: Dan Savage
To: pz99999@XXXXXX.XXX
Sent: Wed, Sep 2, 2009 9:30 AM
Subject: Re: you are the savage love guy, small world

"decent."

dan

From: pz99999@XXXXXX.XXX
To: Dan Savage
Sent: September 2, 2009 9:54 AM
Subject: Re: you are the savage love guy, small world

well you got the picture.

From: Dan Savage
To: pz99999@XXXXXX.XXX
Sent: Wed, Sep 2, 2009 10:10 AM
Subject: Re: you are the savage love guy, small world

"well, you got the picture."

unless you're trying to sound like Yoda: "Well you got the picture, young Skywalker."

dan

From: pz99999@XXXXXX.XXX
To: Dan Savage
Sent: September 2, 2009 10:18 AM
Subject: Re: you are the savage love guy, small world

your wonderful. the earth revolves around you. you make me wet.

From: Dan Savage
To: pz99999@XXXXXX.XXX
Sent: September 2, 2009 10:24 AM
Subject: Re: you are the savage love guy, small world

"you're wonderful."

xo
dan