Area Man Proves His Commitment to Current Girlfriend by Unfriending His Ex-Girlfriend on Facebook

mmmmmmmmmmmmmm...........

"...and minorities!"

photo reference fail

link dump

because there's not much i can add to

• the wedinator
• obama weather, or
• the scientology holiday gift guide.

agricultural bitch fight!

are you following this? you should be. you could argue that it started with michael pollan writing the omnivore's dilemma - but really, this round began with nicolette niman's piece in friday's new york times, "the carnivore's dilemma".

basically, nicolette was all, "don't stop eating meat. just eat my meat."
and then helene york was like, "bitch be trippin'."
and then nicolette was all, "oh no you di-int!"
and it's really getting pretty good.

what i learned today

"lightly floured" does not mean what i thought it did.

on a related note, to my coworkers, i apologize in advance for the horrendous "cookies" i'm bringing to the office party tomorrow.

erin go bragh!!

my new neighborhood is very irish. (and korean. and turkish. and greek. and jewish.) and probably my second-favorite result of this (my first-favorite is, of course, the abundance of irish pubs on EVERY SINGLE BLOCK within a 2-mile radius) is the upscale irish grocery down the street from me. it is a wondrous place, where i've found such treasures as walker's roast chicken flavored potato chips, those weird european sodas that come in the tall skinny bottles, and all manner of imported cadbury's products. but i nearly dropped my tin of batchelor's beans when i saw this:

yes, you read that correctly. irish. breakfast.
no wonder they were always after that dude's lucky charms.

having a superpower is swell

...but when your superpower is charming the sushi guy into giving you extra sushi, and then the sushi looks like this:

well, let's just say that horrendous, disgusting sushi is my kryptonite.

note to farecast

philadelphia is not a "nearby airport" to new york. you fucking asstards.

Study: Taller people 'happier' - Oddities News - redOrbit

sounds like being tall with fat thighs is a great place to be! suddenly my day is looking up. thanks, Science!

i knew there was a reason...

...i am so much healthier than all y'all skinny bitches.

reason #4493 why the bus sucks

people talking loudly on their cell phones with no awareness that this is annoying to the people around them (note: whether they are unaware or just don't care is irrelevant; i prefer to give assholes the benefit of the doubt). i present to you exhibit A, the dumb bitch chatting away behind me at maximal outside-voice volume:

"that's a great point! i've never heard of another puppet - besides the Muppets - called Muppets. i don't know; it's a great question. that is very... philosophical."

perhaps it's worth mentioning here that reason #4494 is that people don't know what the word "philosophical" means. or "muppet".

recipe for a delicious breakfast

what's that? you want to try the fabulous breakfast that i had this morning? no problem; i'm never shy about sharing recipes:

Ingredients:

• one egg
• 1 t butter
• one slice of wheat bread
• one slice bright orange american "cheese"
• hot sauce (optional)

Directions:

melt butter in pan. place cheese on bread and put in toaster oven to toast. while toast is toasting, crack egg in pan and fry, sunny side up. remove bread (with layer of semi-melted cheese) from toaster oven. place egg, yolk side down, on top. sprinkle with hot sauce to taste. eat a couple of bites. smash plate and contents (including sticky egg yolk) on floor of your new kitchen. look down and observe blood streaming down your leg. screech in frustration. cry.

bon appétit!

why i love dan savage, part MCLXVIII

he only ever prints messages from the haters, never from those of us who adore him. nonetheless, i give you what might be his finest work to date:

From: pz99999@XXXXXX.XXX
To: Dan Savage
Sent: Tue, Sep 1, 2009 7:38 PM
Subject: you are the savage love guy, small world

Dan,

There is a local paper in St. Louis, MO called the River Front Times. I use it to start my bar-b-que coals. And I sometimes read a section called the Savage love just to see what new levels of depravity you will stoop to. I was watching MSNBC fascist propaganda this evening and I saw you on there with Olberman that nasty little man.

I got news for you, you can believe your own baloney but people are pissed off at the democrats and also the republicans. Your an idiot, if you can't fuck it you are not interested so I won't try and explain how Obama is a continuation of the progressive fascist movement of the early 20th century. Yes fascist you retard, fascism is a product of the left not the right. Nazis were what, "National SOCIALISTS" You dummies are talking about the protesters because you are afraid of them and rightly so. They are going to throw this government out of office one way or another. You don't understand people that will die for their principles because you hold nothing sacred. There a a lot of us that are not religious but we respect those nice people that you scorn. I wouldn't give a squirt of Olberman's leaking piss for anything thing you say or write. You are a nasty little man, a pathetic loser that makes his living talking about pac king fudge. Your disgusting.

From: Dan Savage
To: pz99999@XXXXXX.XXX
Sent: Tue, Sep 1, 2009 7:41 PM
Subject: Re: you are the savage love guy, small world

"you're disgusting."

dan

From: pz99999@XXXXXX.XXX
To: Dan Savage
Sent: September 2, 2009 4:25 AM
Subject: Re: you are the savage love guy, small world

that is a ironic coming from you! I don't fault you for being different but you are bitter like an old woman. You attack everything good and descent because it damns you. You are a pustule of the first order. Keep spouting your crap because you are lighting a nation on fire that will take it back from you nasty little fascists.

From: Dan Savage
To: pz99999@XXXXXX.XXX
Sent: Wed, Sep 2, 2009 9:30 AM
Subject: Re: you are the savage love guy, small world

"decent."

dan

From: pz99999@XXXXXX.XXX
To: Dan Savage
Sent: September 2, 2009 9:54 AM
Subject: Re: you are the savage love guy, small world

well you got the picture.

From: Dan Savage
To: pz99999@XXXXXX.XXX
Sent: Wed, Sep 2, 2009 10:10 AM
Subject: Re: you are the savage love guy, small world

"well, you got the picture."

unless you're trying to sound like Yoda: "Well you got the picture, young Skywalker."

dan

From: pz99999@XXXXXX.XXX
To: Dan Savage
Sent: September 2, 2009 10:18 AM
Subject: Re: you are the savage love guy, small world

your wonderful. the earth revolves around you. you make me wet.

From: Dan Savage
To: pz99999@XXXXXX.XXX
Sent: September 2, 2009 10:24 AM
Subject: Re: you are the savage love guy, small world

"you're wonderful."

xo
dan

today's AAAAAAUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!

more mysterious facebook ads

seriously, mark zuckerberg? jew from brooklyn --> avid hunter?

today's AAAAAAUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this just in

it's now legal to be gay in india. hooray!

oh please oh please oh please let this be true

John Edwards’ sex tape rumor - THE WEEK

today in unfortunate arbitrary name selections

i've been getting a lot of wedding- and bachelorette-related facebook ads lately, and i sometimes find myself clicking through the cheesy schlock they're pushing. i think the "mrs. so-and-so" shirts might be kind of funny when worn ironically, but i'm still on the fence about that. anyway, this caught my eye:do you think tlc is getting a cut of the profits? or is this just the product of a wishful fan with a bedazzler?

(note: i'm not even going to discuss the fact that it's called a "burnout tunic", as i think that fact speaks for itself.)

question of the day

what's better: isolated thunderstorms, or scattered thunderstorms? as the kids say: FML.

so, michael jackson is dead and it's all anyone can talk about. sad as i am to see such a legend leave us, i would like to point out that the world has not stopped turning, and lots of other conversation-worthy things are still happening. to wit:

• there's some kind of revolution going on in iran.


• a republican sex scandal.


• oh no, wait, another republican sex scandal.


• the supreme court gets all uptight and says you can't strip-search children no matter how much advil you think they have


• my cat pooped on the floor. again.


• if the fedex website is to be trusted, MY IPHONE IS ON THE WAY! MY IPHONE IS ON THE WAY!


• farrah fawcett also died.


• OMG - domna is retiring!!!


• a step in the right direction

in conclusion, MJ, the world will miss you, but we won't run out of things to talk about without you around - acting crazy, molesting little boys, and trying to make us forget about when you were great. rest in peace.

chatting with my sister

(as one does):

Elizabeth: mom just told me something funny
she said that when she was looking for furniture for florida
she wanted to get it from hooker furniture
so she googled hooker

auto-tune the news

if you haven't seen this, you are either old or amish, but in the interest of completeness, i bring you auto-tune the news:
i disagree with freewilliamsburg and do not think this is the best of the bunch, but it's not bad. stick with it at least through 2:00, when hillary comes in. is there anything that woman can't do? i mean, besides win a democratic primary.

the other sexy george

and lots of other cute, quirky and clever images over at "inspire me, now!" worth checking out.

deep in the magic underwear of new hampshire

becca and i are planning a party in honor of our 13-year anniversary/the bat mitzvah of our bat mitzvah. it's a strictly A-list event, as you can imagine, so don't take it too personally if you don't get the invite. it just means you're not awesome enough to party with us.

anyhoodle, we are in the early stages of designing and drafting the aforementioned invite, and i wanted to include some of the lyrics from our (very jewish) camp song.

deep in the hills of new hampshire, under a cloudy sky
stands our camp young judaea, whose spirit will never die
she tries to instill in us the spirit of pioneers
which symbolizes the hope of the future years*

(lots of lines i can't remember)

we treasure the friendships we've made here, we're true to the blue and white
deep in the hills of new hampshire, the lamp of the future burns bright

* no, it's not just you. this makes no sense.

knowing it was a longshot, i typed one line of the lyrics that i remembered into Google, and got one hit: the mormon church.


(i cannot emphasize this enough: i am NOT kidding.)

what do these things have in common?

"hermione fuck"
"WHAT IS GETTING PORKED"
"hairy hunk blogspot.com"

(answer will be revealed later this week)

UPDATE: the answer! all of the above are search terms that have led interwebs-savvy computer users to my humble blog. new additions are "getting porked" (x2!), "detox fail", and "Bible Affirmation Alarm Clock".

eye candy

because it is, again, just one of those days. you're welcome:

twitter? i hardly knew her.

yes, i recognize the silly redundancy of blogging about news stories that are about twitter. that said, there is a lot of interesting/ridiculous shit going on in the twitterverse that you should know about. particularly entertaining is watching old people - the news media, politicians, my friend jared - try to "get" what it's all about and understand the (extraordinarily simple) nuts and bolts of how twitter actually works. of interest:

• why jared doesn't twitter


• utah attorney general tries to send a text message, sends his secret plans to twitter instead


• kanye west flips his caps-locked shit because someone created a fake account in his name

scratch that -

this one is better:

i love this ad

but i can't say i understand it. first of all, what about my facebook account causes content-sensitive advertising to point to anger management? is it because i took the "which celebrity should you marry" quiz? actually, it might be that - or, the result that i should marry johnny depp.

but seriously - who is this woman supposed to be? is she the recovered rage-a-holic? or is she the loved one that i'm hurting? if so, why doesn't she have visible bruises?

there's a first time for everything

i'm... jealous of hilary duff?

seriously. i want chevy chase to hug me like this:

can someone please explain this ad to me?

i just... don't understand.

the road to a professional degree is... yoga? seriously. i'm baffled.

[from nytimes.com]

today in "things my boyfriend called out when mostly asleep this morning"

"i don't want a duck!"

a text message i actually had to send

that i am going senile is no longer up for debate:

me: i need you to do me a favor when you get home - look in the oven. if there is a sweet potato in there, let me know. don't ask.

Maria Shriver plans vegetable garden at Capitol Park

i can't even describe how excited i am about this trend. i think this must be what a boner feels like.

'Violent sex' ad led to murder of WABC newsman George Weber, confesses teen: Cops

not to be crass, but does this mean there's a 1-bedroom available in carroll gardens?

does it have a view?

Son of Sylvia Plath Commits Suicide - NYTimes.com

...probably could have called that one.

today in "things my boyfriend called out when mostly asleep this morning"

"New York Times!"

today in "things my boyfriend called out when mostly asleep this morning"*

"Babylon Five!"

[*ed. note: while this category could sustain a blog all on its own, i think i will instead make it a semi-regular feature here. i expect great things.]

just in case

the world needs another reason to fall in love with paul "fart sounds" rudd (and whoever that other guy is):

i think this was my ex-boyfriend's theory too.

getting stuffed, or getting porked

am i a total perv, or is there something vaguely dirty about the way mark bittman fingers this pork roast? (the good stuff starts around 1:06)

i'm not gonna lie, i'd probably at least taste this.

George Clooney: The Other White Meat(like Product) - E! Online

they're grrrrrrrrr...

goddammit. i was all, "i'd boycott kellogg's, but i never buy cereal anyway," and then i remembered that KELLOGG'S OWNS EVERYTHING. motherfucker.

the only cereal i ever buy is kashi. who owns kashi? tony the fucking tiger.

i think seth said it best:

if by "these money mistakes", you mean sprinkling my checkbook with sulfuric acid, then no, i assure you, i am not.

oh, williamsburg...

Hairy Situation

Brooklyn, home of the ironic beard, hosts the 2009 Beard and Moustache Championships at Public Assembly on Saturday complete with prizes, a
ZZ Top cover band and more beard-related revelry.

ad placement fail

detox FAIL

oy.

after a long day, i decided to reward myself with a dirty martini or two. after i poured the second one, there was only a tiny little swish of vodka left in the bottle, so i made it a slightly larger-than-usual one. really, it was probably more like two and a half dirty martinii.

i won't even discuss the weird sludge that i noticed in the glass when i was starting the second one (is it possible for a dirty martini to curdle?).

as a coworker reminded me this morning (when i was complaining. bitterly.), i did not really drink any water all day yesterday, which probably contributed to the state i currently find myself in.

i knew i was hung over when i heard myself think, "that looks really good".

and now, semi-relatedly, one of my favorite videos from failblog (you don't need sound to appreciate it):

one-stop shop?

i've never heard of urban trend before, but they seem to have some fun stuff. the one that caught my eye most was this - the "bible affirmation alarm clock", complete with gigantic light-up cross!

*brought to you by the same pious people who brought you russian roulette beer bong.

today in facial recognition

this is just the saddest story. how bad the economy has gotten: terrance brennan has apparently fallen upon harder times than new york magazine would have you believe.

(confidential to tsg: i think the tattoo is fake.)

i suppose it's an occupational hazard, when you're a bathroom, that you frequently smell like shit.

yes, it's come to this

things i've eaten today:
- an egg
- three cups of coffee (real sugar! whole milk! that's the REAL FOOD REVOLUTION, BABY!)
- cheddar goldfish crackers
- baby carrots
- kirby cucumber
- grape tomatoes
- avocado
(all properly seasoned, of course)
- roasted asparagus
- cherries

things i'm currently fantasizing about eating:
- tequila shrimp with tons of garlic and lime
- a hunk of manchego
- gummy bears
- green & black's maya gold chocolate
- marinated white anchovies
- whole foods olive bar's herbed bocconcini
- salmon sashimi from kanoyama
- olive pizza from grimaldi's
- a root beer float

i suppose it's a good thing there doesn't seem to be a vending machine on this floor.

hell train?

it is my second day at my new job - and my second day taking the L train into manhattan at rush hour since i moved to brooklyn - and i've noticed a pattern. between bedford avenue and 1st avenue (that is, under the east river), the train stops. it sits, silently, in the tunnel for several minutes. then, it crawls a few feet forward and stops again. then, the L train lady voice comes on over the PA and says something like, "this train is delayed due to train traffic ahead of it". this process is repeated several times before the train eventually arrives at the first avenue stop, and several more times between first and third avenues, and maybe once or twice between third and union square.

that is the ballad of how a 20-minute commute takes me an hour.

i'm starting to remember why i used to be such a manhattan snob.

(note: i found that accurate picture by googling "l train" and came upon a blogger who understands my grief - check out williamsburg is dead when you hit your 3:00 slack sesh.)