QLC

weird, i know, that i should be back here on the eve of my 25th birthday (loosely speaking).

i thought this would be fun. or at least interesting. i think i hoped it would make me a better person; maybe i tricked myself into believing that i was doing something noble, or that it would balance out in the end, at the very least.

yes, i saw the raised eyebrows, the skeptical glances, the passively judgmental looks, when i told people of my plans: to go back to school, to get all the coursework under my belt as quickly as possible (two years, minimum), to apply to medical school (another year), to get in, to go (four years), to be a doctor, a real one (life). i told myself that they just didn't understand yet, that i'd have to prove it to them, that they'd see. i was going to show them all.

could they have been right all along? as i hit the first real bump in the road - organic chemistry, week two - i find my convictions on shaky ground. how badly do i really want this? it looks like the next six years will be awfully slow ones, not to mention expensive. and i'm not convinced anymore that my aims were noble at all. here i sit, in a room in my parents' house, belly full of their food, driving their car to the school for which they are paying - as they remind me daily. i'm certainly not a better person yet. could i be a worse person? will it all balance out in the end? i had great intentions, i swear, but i'm afraid... i'm a mooch.

my birthday is in three weeks. i'll be 25. not the world's oldest freshman, but not the youngest either. not by a long, long, long longshot. i guess this is what you call a quarter-life crisis, but, unemployed and unemployable as i am, i think my illegitimacy is more legitimate than that of most of my peers.

where do we go from here? do i back out now, deal with the shame and the embarrassment and the i-told-you-sos and hope to move on? or do i grit my teeth and clamp my eyes shut and plunge ahead into the dark?