all i want for st. patty's day

pure genius, by way of my emily

Ohio lawmaker to propose ban on GOP adoption

BY CARL CHANCELLOR
Knight Ridder Newspapers

AKRON, Ohio - If an Ohio lawmaker's proposal becomes state law, Republicans would be barred from being adoptive parents.

State Sen. Robert Hagan sent out e-mails to fellow lawmakers late Wednesday night, stating that he intends to "introduce legislation in the near future that would ban households with one or more Republican voters from adopting children or acting as foster parents." The e-mail ended with a request for co-sponsorship.

On Thursday, the Youngstown Democrat said he had not yet found a co-sponsor.

Hagan said his "tongue was planted firmly in cheek" when he drafted the proposed legislation. However, Hagan said that the point he is trying to make is nonetheless very serious.

Hagan said his legislation was written in response to a bill introduced in the Ohio House this month by state Rep. Ron Hood, R-Ashville, that is aimed at prohibiting gay adoption.

"We need to see what we are doing," said Hagan, who called Hood's proposed bill blatantly discriminatory and extremely divisive. Hagan called Hood and the eight other conservative House Republicans who backed the anti-gay adoption bill "homophobic."

Hood's bill, which does not have support of House leadership, seeks to ban children from being placed for adoption or foster care in homes where the prospective parent or a roommate is homosexual, bisexual or transgender.

To further lampoon Hood's bill, Hagan wrote in his mock proposal that "credible research" shows that adopted children raised in Republican households are more at risk for developing "emotional problems, social stigmas, inflated egos, and alarming lack of tolerance for others they deem different than themselves and an air of overconfidence to mask their insecurities."

However, Hagan admitted that he has no scientific evidence to support the above claims.

Just as "Hood had no scientific evidence" to back his assertion that having gay parents was detrimental to children, Hagan said.

"It flies in the face of reason when we need to reform our education system, address health care and environmental issues that we put energy and wasted time (into) legislation (Hood's) like this," continued Hagan, who has been in the Ohio Senate nine years. Before the Senate, he served 19 years in the Ohio House.

alex kuczynski has too much money, and is retarded

from yesterday's critical shopper:

A dress in ivory, black and red tweed with a vintage rose-print top and sweetheart neckline was appealing, but at $1,595 it seemed expensive. Maybe you would pay that much for a suit in black, but not for a dress you would not wear frequently.

...yeah.

i might not have flinched at this, but i read it immediately after returning from mexx, where i spent my lunch break agonizing over whether a pair of totally fab wool pants were worth the $60 they cost. on sale.


fyi: i didn't get the pants.

amazon thinks i have a nice rack

the best news i've heard in... years.

this had better be true. cause otherwise, heads are gonna fucking roll.

AMAZING - thanks, patsy.

if you only do one thing today, please check out chewy's blog.

i mean, they do make cute clothes...

From: patsy
To: the happy hour mafia
Date: Feb 23, 2006 11:28 AM
Subject: Re: boring day.

my life goal is to have, like, nine anthropologie dresses, and wear nothing else.

some people's life goals involve world peace, but they can fucking eat me.

movie recommendation of the... week?

last night, over a romantic spread of champagne, risotto and scallops, the wife and i sat down and watched gentlemen prefer blondes, marilyn monroe's 1953 masterpiece that begat her legendary gang-bang "diamonds are a girl's best friend" sequence.

admittedly, i decided to watch it somewhat begrudgingly; i thought seeing a bit of 50-year-old cinematic history would make me somehow a little more worldly, more articulate, or... something, and stuff. well, it didn't, but the movie is fucking fabulous. for those who haven't seen it, do. it's an in-depth look into such timeless themes as greed, suspicion, gold-digging, nearly-naked men and roofies. the clothes are awesome. marilyn monroe is awesome. jane russell is awesome. elliott reid - who has since, according to imdb, appeared in such cultural cornerstones as "i love lucy", "casablanca", "the facts of life", "mr. belvedere", "small wonder" and "seinfeld", to name only a few - is hot. or was, anyway, in '53. seriously, watch it. meanwhile, the wife and i have resolved to watch every marilyn flick we can get our hands on, dye our hair blonde, and start smoking crack.

also, for those of you not on le facebook,

me, if i were a superhero:

YES!

last night?

i'm so glad you asked.

i'll give what i can dredge up through this ripping hangover. we cruised on down to the LES with another couple, my hot old roommate Commando and her current roommate. we hit up the uber-crowded happy ending and then made our way to libation where, fyi, it is very easy to jump the line if you smile pretty at the bouncer. once inside, we talked to a lot of random strangers. i told one young man a lot about myself, actually: my name is anna. i'm a very elite figure skater. i'm sorta friends with sarah hughes, but we're not all that close.

sometimes it's fun to lie.

never have i ever...

have you ever told someone exactly what you think of him? come right out and said things that common decency and the code of good taste tell you never, ever to say to someone?

i have.

it's many things, isn't it? it's surreal, it's horrifying... and it's extremely gratifying. you feel good, to the point of feeling a little guilty for it.

it's what i imagine it would feel like to see donald trump beaten senseless by a bunch of angry homeless people wielding 2x4's studded with rusty nails.

sigh.

February 16, 2006 -- REPORTS of the breakup of Tom Brady and Bridget Moynahan are premature. The quarterback and the actress were at the AT&T Pebble Beach Pro-Am in Carmel, Calif., last weekend looking very much like a couple. "She followed his round of golf and managed to get some kisses in, as well as a strategically placed hand on his bum as he walked to the tee box," said a witness. "She was totally hanging onto him and acting like a star-struck teenager." Dressed in jeans, sweater, and Converse All-Stars, Moynahan "looked hot, by the way, with great skin."

at long last - the weekend update!

...and just in time for the next weekend! long story short:

saturday afternoon: the wife and i depart for sunny-but-cold florida on a plane that looks more like a sardine can - a small sardine can.
saturday night: the wife and i arrive in florida, meeting up with her parents, our good old friend Juggs, and her parents.
sunday: still cold. we go outlet shopping and nearly break the bank. i do well enough for myself, with a gorgeous new gold trench and 2 pairs of shoes.
monday: slightly warmer. we putter around the gulf coast with the grown-ups.
tuesday: valentine's day and Juggs' 23rd birthday! we celebrate with warmer weather and frozen drinks by the pool, lunch at the ritz, and more frozen drinks by the pool. i get slightly sunburned. woot.
wednesday: a gorgeous, sunny, true southern florida day. we linger by the pool for as long as possible. i fall asleep in a lounge chair and scorch my entire body. ouch. we leave in time to catch our 7 pm sardine can home.
wednesday night: we arrive home in two pieces. our luggage miraculously makes it too. there is a box of delightful chocolates waiting for us, courtesy of one thoughtful admirer.

... and the time since has been mostly consumed by rolling around in tubs of aloe, eating truffles, whimpering, treading water in meetings and having extremely heated conversations with my old friend, Yves L'Ampoulé.

it's good to be back.

and

don't get your panties in a bunch, the vacation recap is coming.

NOT ok.

increasingly disturbing

From: [redacted - for what i think are obvious reasons]
To: Julie
Date: Feb 10, 2006 12:29 PM
Subject: be thankful

Sounds like you had some rough dreams. But you should be thankful that you didn't have a dream where your co-worker got you a male prostitute (or in your case a female). And this whore isn't a looker. Looks like one of those 50 year olds with no teeth that sit and panhandle on the corner. And the room you're in has two beds, and the co-worker just lies on one and watches while the prostitute takes you from behind. And this goes on far too long. And then your co-worker leaves and reminds you to make sure to pay...

Not that I've ever had such a dream, but umm, one could imagine.

Fortunately that co-worker moved to Chicago, because I could never look at him the same way after that.

then, moments later:

From: [same dude]
To: Julie
Date: Feb 10, 2006 12:33 PM
Subject: oh wait

You mean that line way back there? Like a couple miles back? Yeah, I guess I did see that. Sign said something like "the line of good taste". Figured I'd see what was on the other side.

last (crazy) night

drinks at the h-club, followed by a hot cup of lemon zinger tea and an im conversation with a coworker. not sure which of the aforementioned is to blame for this, but i had 2 really vivid, work-related bad dreams last night and couldn't sleep between 4 and 6 am. it was weird. the dreams - in no particular order - were:

1) getting fired. pretty standard theme, but very strange details. first of all, my office (of course) wasn't my office, and i worked for a different company (posh's company, it just so happens). first, the powers that be fired our evp, and then me. but the way that they did it was by having my officemate approach me and hand me a tiny picture of myself. i remember being relieved that at least it was a good picture of me. and i was comforted knowing that my new friend mike - the old man i chatted up at the h-club - would get me a new job.

2) oversleeping. also pretty standard theme, but in life when you oversleep, the staff of your office doesn't usually come to your apartment - which, of course, wasn't actually my apartment - to get you. and bring a bunch of rowdy children. odd that this one followed the one about getting fired. it didn't occur to me that i shouldn't have to go to work after i've been fired, but then again i'm not so bright.

i woke up many times before my alarm clock actually went off, and had to check each time to make sure that i was 1) still employed and 2) not late for work, yet. then, during breakfast, saved by the bell: wedding in las vegas was on!

looks like it's going to be an ok day after all.

it's a riot.

you're probably wondering if and when i'm going to comment on these cartoon riots. or maybe you're not. i don't know or really care. anyway, i haven't said anything about them so far because i just don't see what the big deal is. all these political geniuses seem to be shocked and stumped at the reason behind all this, and i don't know why. it's all very simple: rioting is fun. lighting stuff on fire is fun. making stuff blow up, and seeing stuff blow up, is fun. really. just ask any red sox fan.

that's not how i interpreted it...

Hipster guy: Two black guys fucking two white bitches on Martin Luther King day. That shit's trippy. I bet that was what that whole "I have a dream" shit was really about. The right to fuck white bitches.

--Starbucks, 28th & 3rd

way to pay a tribute, amazon.

Please note that the price of The Feminine Mystique has increased from $10.17 to $10.85 in the time since you placed it in your cart. Items in your Shopping Cart will always reflect the most recent price displayed on the item's product detail page.

if only betty had lived to see this...

YES!

further evidence of a benevolent deity:

February 8, 2006 -- IT looks like former Super Bowl MVP Tom Brady has called it off with his love of two years, Bridget Moynahan. Our spies said Brady was in Detroit over the weekend and "acting very single - going out to the parties and hitting on a lot of women." Usher also scored at Playboy's Super Saturday "8 Mile High Club" party with Playboy's Miss April 2005, Courtney Culkin.

psst... tom... call me.

an open letter to ashlee simpson

dear ashlee,

one: that's not how you spell "ashley".

two: you are not attractive.

three: you are not talented.

four: you appear to be mildly retarded.

stop trying to sing, yelp, grunt, and prance about in the public eye. you have nothing to offer the world of entertainment. your sister jessica is moderately attractive and talented, but dumb as a post and not nearly good or pretty enough to justify your being famous. also, please tell her to deflate her lips and put some clothes on as she's starting to look like a shriveled old whore.

most importantly, however, is that you stop what you are doing immediately. it is offensive to anyone capable of seeing and/or hearing you. i have no doubt that you would make a fantastic cocktail waitress, shoe shine, dominatrix or human cannonball. the world, as they say, is your oyster, and with all these other options you have no reason to despair. but please, for the greater good, and for the children, stop. now.

love,
julie

the worst thing i've ever seen

are ya kidding me, freshdirect?

Is Valentine's Day simply a stinging reminder of singlehood, like a coarse-grained sea salt rubbed into your painful, wounded heart? We've got a few ideas on how to ease the suffering. Just check out this handy selection of our favorite items for the brokenhearted. From bitters (to match your mood) to thyme (said to heal all wounds) these items might just cushion the bumpy trip from your blind denial all the way to newfound acceptance of single life.

DENIAL

Almost Perfect Mashed Potatoes $5.99/ea
Del Monte Sliced Peaches in Heavy Syrup $1.89/ea
Fantastik All Purpose Spray Cleaner $2.89/ea
Gummy Peachy O's $1.29/bag
Häagen-Dazs Peaches & Cream Ice Cream $3.39/ea
Jolly Ranchers $1.59/bag
Just Peachy Prejean Late Harvest Vignoles (375ml) $15.00/ea
Perfect Pear Gift Box $34.99/ea
Sweet Ride! Château Cadillac Club Merlot Bordeaux 2003 $12.00/ea
vitaminwater revive (fruit punch) $1.25/ea

ANGER

Angostura Bitters $5.99/ea
Canada Dry Bitter Lemon $1.49/ea
Crab Dip $11.49/ea
Heinz Distilled White Vinegar $1.59/ea
Melinda's XXXTra Hot Sauce $2.99/ea
Seared Cajun Blackened Salmon (ready-to-cook) $7.99/ea
Sour Kosher Dill Pickles $1.29/lb
Sour Patch Kids $1.99/bag
Totally Mad! Château Peyros Magenta Madiran 2002 $11.50/ea

BARGAINING

Chocolate Lovers' Gift Box $39.99/ea
If You Care Unbleached #2 Coffee Filters $3.49/ea
Kraft Miracle Whip Salad Dressing $2.49/ea
Pierre Herme Bonbons de Chocolat (Chocolate Assortment) $42.00/ea
Sweet Shop Handmade Truffles Large Gift Box $14.99/ea
Sweet Shop Handmade Truffles Small Gift Box $5.99/ea

DEPRESSION

Bactine Pain Relief Cleansing Spray $5.39/ea
Brooklyn Brewery Black Chocolate Stout $9.99/ea
Cracked Green Olives $4.99/lb
Delirium Tremens $8.99/ea
Edy's Grand Double Fudge Brownie Ice Cream $4.19/ea
Kleenex 2-Ply Facial Tissue, 85ct $2.19/ea
Refresh Tears Eye Drops $9.99/ea

ACCEPTANCE

After The Fall Cranberry Meets Raspberry Juice $2.39/ea
All-American Super Hero $69.99/ea
Fresh Step Scoopable Cat Litter $7.99/ea
Land O'Lakes American Singles, White $3.39/ea
Nabisco Sociables Crackers $2.99/ea
Promised Land Memorial Candle (burns 26 hours) $0.99/ea
Quaker Life Cereal $3.59/ea
Sabra Chumus Solo $1.99/ea

seriously... what?

people are awesome.

selected responses to the story of my day yesterday

"SHIT!"

"HOLY shit!"

"that is the worst thing i've ever heard."

"wow."

more mcsweeneys

by josh michtom, whose beautiful baby max i used to babysit, and whose lovely wife anna does some amazing work at my old lab, including invaluable help with my thesis topic. anyway, apparently he's also pretty clever:

IF POETS NAMED BREAKFAST CEREALS

Orgasmic Clusters of Searing Pain

Bran and Plump Raisins, Pregnant With Earthy Promise

Opalescent Flakes of Lonely Night

The Sharpness of a Breath of Winter Air (with real strawberries)

Cookie-Crisp

geometric relationships more realistic than the love triangle

from mcsweeneys. a week old, but brilliant:

GEOMETRIC RELATIONSHIPS MORE REALISTIC THAN THE LOVE TRIANGLE

The where-did-you-get-this-number rhombus

A trapezoid that just needs a little space

Two congruent rectangles who haven't spoken since John and Erica's wedding

A cylinder in love with itself

The intensely lonely sphere who, finishing his eighth double Scotch of the evening, blankly stares into the middle distance, considering the irrevocable march toward death

Self-hating cube

seems i really make an impression

From: Matt
To: Julie
Date: Feb 1, 2006 12:38 PM
Subject: ouch

I just poked myself in the eye with my own finger. It hurt. But, to quote the guy who made your blog the other day, it made me think of you.