an open letter to ashlee simpson

dear ashlee,

one: that's not how you spell "ashley".

two: you are not attractive.

three: you are not talented.

four: you appear to be mildly retarded.

stop trying to sing, yelp, grunt, and prance about in the public eye. you have nothing to offer the world of entertainment. your sister jessica is moderately attractive and talented, but dumb as a post and not nearly good or pretty enough to justify your being famous. also, please tell her to deflate her lips and put some clothes on as she's starting to look like a shriveled old whore.

most importantly, however, is that you stop what you are doing immediately. it is offensive to anyone capable of seeing and/or hearing you. i have no doubt that you would make a fantastic cocktail waitress, shoe shine, dominatrix or human cannonball. the world, as they say, is your oyster, and with all these other options you have no reason to despair. but please, for the greater good, and for the children, stop. now.

love,
julie