back off, bitches. she's mine.

have i ever told you about the kavorka?

for those of you who are less tv-obsessed than i am, that was a seinfeld reference. anyway, the point is, my wife leaves a trail of broken hearts wherever she goes. one excellent example is her ex-boyfriend, a man she heartlessly dumped around two years ago. yes. two years. he is currently a law student and has never recovered from the heartache. the instant messages, the phone calls, and the weekly delivery of six dozen roses arranged to spell out "i love you forever and ever please come back to me i can't live without you boo hoo hoo" sometimes start to wear on her. exhibit a, the string of obnoxious ims she received this morning:

tool: HA
tool: HA
tool: who's not working
tool: ?
tool: that'd be me
tool:
tool: whatchoo doin, not being on spring break like me?
tool: ()
tool: who's going to florida tomorrow?
tool: oh, that'd be me
tool: uh oh, someone's too busy to IM her law student friend
tool: that's because you're not on spring break!
tool: once again, I emphasize:
tool: sp
tool: ring
tool: BREAK
tool:
mywife: dude
mywife: i'm kinda busy
mywife: but that's very nice for you
tool: hehe, I'm not
mywife: congratulations
tool: sorry, I'm just messin with ya - talk to you soon
tool: hope your non-spring break goes well!
mywife: gee, thanks
tool: any time
mywife: next time just keep the spring break excitement to yourself
tool: aw
tool: now I feel guilty
mywife: as wonderful as i'm sure it is
tool: I just wanted to talk to you
tool:
tool: jk, I wanted to rub in the spring break thing
tool: anyway, I'll stop being an ass while you're at work
tool: talk to you soon

EPILOGUE:

INT. TOOL'S BEDROOM.

The shades are drawn.

SFX: gentle sobbing.

FADE OUT.

fin.