top 10 things that are - at this moment - totally rocking my world

1) middle school-era green day on my ipod

2) the wife coming home tonight

3) the fact that my dreams have come true in the form of a gawker commenter invite

4) being home with daylight to spare (and as such, loving my evp more than ever)

5) karaoke tonight - SOLID

6) the nields on my ipod

7) my kitchen is stocked, courtesy of the wife's midweek drop-in

8) tomorrow night at b-bar and the prospect of a freewheeling, footloose 2006

9) awesomely bad country music on my ipod

10) the preview for thank you for smoking, which looks awesome

16-year-old rich kid defies darwin

everyone's talking about this prep school crackhead who thought it would be a good idea to just mosey on over to iraq, to "see what it's like" there. no, he doesn't speak any arabic. no, he had no "war zone" experience. he's on his way home now, and everyone sounds pretty relieved, illustrating two facts:

1) the tard has too much money and

2) natural selection isn't perfect.

a dude like this really should have removed himself from the gene pool already.

my oatmeal tasted funny today

87% Correct: Eminem

Once in a while the heavens conspire to create someone truly great. In the rap world, it was Eminem. In the realm of pop-culture, it was none other than you. With a score approaching 100%, you’ve proven your mastery of the mainstream. Don’t horde your formidable pop-culture skills—start a blog and share them with the world. Congrats!

Compared to others...

97% less savvy than you — 1% as savvy as you — 1% more savvy than you

YEAH i am.

once i realized that reading up on Crazy all day was probably not the best idea, i came up with something even better: personality tests.

the contents of my head

1) someone found this blog by googling "black mom family fuck". i have nothing to say about that.

2) a quote, that reminded me of many of my luminous friends:

"a witty woman is a treasure; a witty beauty is a power."
- george meredith

(you know who you are.)

3) no one is reading this this week, which is largely why i haven't been writing. you assholes are all home on vacation, wearing sweaters and drinking egg nog by the fire with golden retrievers curled up at your feet and a fat jolly dude bringing you shit. you can all blow me.

4) i got an e-mail from a friend who happened to stumble upon my blog, and he says:

Also, apparently you've started a blog which you're updating daily. This freaked me and [g-nuts] out a bit, since most of the people that we know who blog regularly are complete psychos, so we hope that you haven't gone off the deep end. If you have lost your marbles, we can probably live with it, just don't try to kill us.

beware, mr. mcbain. i'm coming for you.

5) this being the slowest day ever, i decided instead to make it extremely emotionally draining for myself and have spent the last few nothing-real-to-do hours researching the doings of Crazy, ex with whom i am not exactly on speaking terms but about whom i find myself thinking more than i would like to admit, and who seems to be starting up what could be an outrageously successful and public career.

6) sigh.

sadly, the "kate moss" doll doesn't come with her own blow

with due credit to grace for finding this gem, i declare that this thing is the most fun i've had online since i discovered the flash games on the sanrio website about ten years ago. i just spent most of my lunch break dressing up 50 cent and making over angelina jolie. i suspect any potential productivity in my future is now a lost cause. totally check it out.

but on your way out, click on my ads.

amen, buck henry.

We need a president who's fluent in at least one language.
- Buck Henry

"kyle" is not alone

here i was, thinking that friendster "kyle" really liked me. i thought he wanted to "get freaky". i thought i was the only one.

how wrong i was.

alas.

now, "cory" is trying to sing me the same seductive tune. but this time, i am older and wiser. i won't be had. here's what he had to say:

From: Cory
Date: Monday, December 26, 2005 8:24:00 PM
Subject: whats up babe
Message: hey, just managed to get my webcam up, curious if youd like to check me out? if youd want to see, some of my previous cam pics are uploaded at sexywebcams4you.com/cory

hope to c ya!
cory

i wonder if it's ok to log on to sexywebcams4u.com at work. i think my boss would understand.

fun times in the AC

i know you're all on the edges of your respective seats about exactly how my holiday weekend was. well, the long wait is over. here it comes. are you ready? good.

poshua and i set out sunday morning to retrieve our zipcar from brooklyn (another borough i can now cross off my list). we drove down to atlantic city (side note: satellite radio KICKS ASS) and checked into our very down-the-rabbit-hole room in the uber-tacky trump marina. we explored two casinos that night and worked out a sensible system: as i am not much of a gambler, but the poshster is, i agreed to take his free drinks off his hands so that he could keep his wits about him while he effectively robbed the casino blind. over the course of our time at the borgata (casino #2), i was carded an unprecednted three times. the third time, it was by a smug casino security dude who lurked behind me for about a minute before he even asked for my ID.

casino dude: "may i see your id?"
me: "ummm... ok, i guess." (fishes id out of purse and hands it over)
me: (exasperated, as this is the third time i have been carded) "do i look underage?"
casino dude: "you look about seventeen."
poshua: "she's a year older than me."
me: "yeah, you should card him. he's only sixteen."
casino dude: "he's in action. i don't see anything. do you want a hand stamp? 'cause otherwise you're going to get carded all night."
me: "ummm... i don't really think i need--"
casino dude: "yeah, you do. hold on, i'll get you one."

and that's the story of how i ended up with a stamp on my hand and, later, after falling asleep at midnight, with the same stamp ALL OVER MY FACE. thanks, casino dude. thanks a lot.

(also, i really liked that nice touch of his forthrightness about not wanting to card someone who was gambling - casinos really are havens of morality)

anyway, aside from losing too much money to video poker and getting god-only-knows-where-it's-been ink all over my face, the trip was super fun. i particularly enjoyed when posh and i got to pretend to be newlyweds for the benefit of some weirdos who were trying to sell us something (exactly what it was is still unclear). yesterday, we lunched down by the boardwalk and swung by philly for some quality Monkey time before heading home. the highlight of the return trip was definitely when i was approached by an orthodox jewish dude on the subway. he gave me a menorah and hanukkah candles (despite my repeated protests) and tried to give me a hanukkah donut. but that's where i drew the line. it was weird.

merry hannukwanzmas!

the poshster and i are off to atlantic city or, as it was delightfully called in sex and the city, atlantic titty. we figure, as long as we're not doing the whole jesus thing on christmas, we might as well fit in all the sinning we can, right? don't worry, we plan to get a hooker while we're there and then kill her. just to cover our bases.

we'll be staying in the fabulous, HUGE trump marina hotel and while i can't speak for my companion, i know that i'll be indulging in some intense video poker. rock on. will return tomorrow night, so in the meantime you can entertain yourselves by supporting my sponsors!! (i.e., click the damn ads, bitches). kisses!

life is like a box of chocolates...

...you see it in front of you and get all excited, but then you overindulge and start to feel sick. or maybe that's just me.

the wife left last night to spend these few days with her family for christmas. what a jesus freak. in her absence, it's like i have my own apartment and i find myself wondering if people who live alone ever get dressed. as far as i can tell, there's no reason to. anyway, as i've never really cooked just for myself before, i made dinner for two tonight. and ate it all. and it was really good (in my ever-so-humble opinion) but as a result, i can't roll my fat ass off the couch.

it's all good, because forrest gump is on tbs.

so awesome it's ridiculous

Condom-capped Madonna embarrasses Catholic weekly

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - An advertisement for a statue of the Virgin Mary veiled in a condom has embarrassed the publishers of the U.S. Catholic magazine America, and prompted some heated comment on Catholic Web sites.

America, a weekly run by the Jesuit order of priests, said in a statement it was embarrassed and offended by the ad, which it said had been published unknowingly in its December 5 edition.

The apparent prank by a London-based artist offered what he called the "Extra Virgin" statue for sale, "a stunning ... statue of the Virgin Mary standing atop a serpent wearing a delicate veil of latex."

A color photograph showed a statue of magenta-robed Mary, who according to Christian teaching was a virgin when she gave birth to Jesus, covered with a translucent but visible condom.

just as true as it was the first time i heard it

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
- Jane Wagner

maggie puts it all in perspective

From: maggie
To: julie
Date: Dec 23, 2005 2:57 PM


PS the moral of this story is no guy is worth a good pair of jeans.

a brush with brushing with near-fame

in the aforementioned piece in new york magazine, reason #7 to love new york right now is none other than matt yglesias, blogger and pundit and onetime humpbuddy of my dear patsy. according to the mag, he is among the 27 people of whom at least one will be justly famous by the year 2010.

wow. it's almost like i've banged a celebrity.

definitely didn't see this one coming

with many thanks to patsy, it turns out i am canada. how apt.

You're Canada!

People make fun of you a lot, but they're stupid because you've got a much better life than they do. In fact, they're probably just jealous. You believe in crazy things like human rights and health care and not dying in the streets, and you end up securing these rights for yourself and others. If it weren't for your weird affection for ice hockey, you'd be the perfect person.


Take the Country Quiz at the Blue Pyramid

all your christmas are belong to us

when first i saw this, i thought, "wow, someone is better with photoshop than i am." but then i looked at the accompanying article, and that's actually the pope, sneering and wearing a santa cap. WAY better than anything i would have photoshopped myself. thank you, Mr. Pope.


(by the way, check out gawker for a side-by-side comparison with the grinch.)

i just like smiling. smiling's my favorite.

the transit strike is (almost) adversely affecting me. two of my most important friends (almost) didn't make it to my place last night for our festive evening of ridiculosity. fortunately, i finally hit upon the right combination of threats and bribes and they sucked it up and came.

it was one of those evenings when you get too wrapped up in each stage of what you're doing that you lose track of time and, before you know it, it's really late. we warmed up with some hot chocolate with bailey's and a few bottles of white. we dined on my absolutely-homemade, definitely-not-frozen, totally-from-scratch eggplant parm and spinach, followed by the peanut-butteriest, doughiest snickers cookies you'll ever have and a festive screening of Elf. on the way out, all our transit-stricken pals got a pack of homemade truffles and a jar of our pumpkin butter to take home (patsy, not to worry, we're saving one of each for you; poshua, you suck and get nothing). all told, a cozy time with cozy people, that made me glad my friends can be so easily lured in with the promise of baked goods.

i heart ny

gawker has listed 123 reasons to love new york right now (if you care, it's in response to a same-idea'd piece in new york magazine). anyway, the whole thing is pretty poignant, but here are the best/truest ones, in my ever-so-humble opinion:

1. Because we scorn the fat.

2. Because we can drink until 4 AM.

4. Because all we have to do is walk down the street in order to be propositioned for sex.

5. Because we get to push tourists if we’re late for work.

8. Because whether you make $50k or $200k, you’re still "middle class."

14. Because you can live in the same place for 10 years and never have to see or meet your neighbors

17. Because everyone’s Gay.

19. Because sometimes it smells like maple syrup.

23. Because the transit strike keeps us from really working.

38. Because smoking is encouraged.

45. Because Jews.

47. Because you can buy anything, even a stolen baby.

52. Because only black is the new black.

57. Because everyone’s got a blog.

58. Because Paris Hilton moved to Los Angeles.

64. Because Peter Braunstein stabbed himself in the neck.

72. Because, sometimes, it’s just fun to give tourists wrong directions.

73. Because you can buy live jellyfish from a wooden box in Chinatown.

74. Because your parents love to come visit and pay for dinner.

75. Because your parents don’t love to come visit.

76. Because you can walk down the street and fart and nobody will notice.

85. Because there’s such a thing as $300 sushi.

87. Because bagels.

91. Because our knock-offs are often better than the real thing.

92. Because there’s always someone naked in Times Square.

95. Because you can get mustard on everything.

103. Because we know what “new bar smell” is, but not “new car smell.”

109. Because everyone drinks at brunch.

117. Because in one morning, you can look like a jackass in the background of four different morning shows.

chris parnell: singlehandedly saving SNL

totally forgot to mention this until now, but the wife alerted me to this hysterical sketch from last week's SNL. while i was off staggering to the right in our nation's capital, she was home mourning my absence by watching saturday night live and indulging in a food poisoning-induced vomitfest, adding another name to the list of people i know who barfed on saturday night. anyway, go here and watch it. it's short but really really funny. kinda like our good friend, poshua.

someone told amazon about my botox

anybody know how to make a noose?

well, i guess i'm being punished for my delight at the misfortune of others. the truly unspeakable has finally happened.

i can hardly bring myself to type it out in words.

johnny. damon. has. gone. to. the. dark. side.

yes, it's true. the erstwhile love of my life, my knight in shining armor, the caveman messiah of the boston red sox, has turned around and flipped a big, hairy bird to all of us. he's rammed a knife... no, a machete - no, a car - deep into the back of me and every other boston-born, sox-loving soul. he has signed with the evil empire, the damn yankees. he is dead to me.

so forgive me if my jokes are never funny again, if i can't stop crying, and if i can no longer find purpose in life. there are many kinds of betrayal i can handle. this, however, is above and beyond anything for which i could ever have prepared myself. i am awash in a sea of sadness.

from the Times' coverage of the strike:

Robert Caplin for The New York Times
Officer Jon Bennintendo stood guard at the Times Square station, turning away would-be subway riders.

for those of you who don't speak Hebtalian, that's "Jon, Son of Nintendo".

weekend update: the abridged version

...because i'm way too lazy to discuss it all, and i'm still a little bit drunk. so, here are the highlights of the past weekend, during which i subsisted largely on wheat thins, tostitos, kettle corn, too little sleep and way too much alcohol.

friday: i got on the wrong bus to DC. i learned: if you cry, they will give you a free ticket anyway. a good thing to know, i think. took a friend out drinking and left him, upended, under a tree in dupont circle at 3 am. apparently, a friendly flamer got him home safely around 4. ask him no questions, he'll tell you no lies.

saturday: got to hang out with g-nuts, if ever so briefly. saw the inside of a shopping mall for the first time in many months. it was trippy. finally saw nate's pimped out apartment, drank white russians made with egg nog instead of cream (fantastic, in case you were wondering), and scoped out another bar in adams morgan. helped to get my host drunker than i previously thought possible, doing quite a number on myself in the meantime. my one clear memory from the end of the night was a complete inability to walk a straight line and the strong feeling that the ground kept tipping to the left every time i tried to take a step. i maintain that i wasn't drunk, just having a minor stroke.

sunday: managed to get my shit together in time to get a late morning bus to philly, where maggie and i met up with our favorite Monkey, who is home from oxford for christmas. she fed us orgasmic food and made us feel warm and fuzzy in her unbelievably cozy christmased-out house. we were sad to leave but knew that we had to, and bid her a tearful farewell as we boarded what appeared to be a second-hand circus bus. seriously, it was at once the most bizarre and awesome vehicle i've ever been on.

now: am still recovering. and feverishly trying to plan my next trip down.

the people (don't) ride in a hole in the ground

weekend recap still to come, but first i need to share my thoughts on the strike.

for those of you who live outside new york or with your head buried under a boulder in jersey, the mta has gone on strike. that's right, there are no subways or buses operating in manhattan. and i seem to be the only one who finds this totally AWESOME.

maybe it's because i usually walk to work anyway. maybe it's because i'm a sadistic asshole. i can't really say for sure. but i'm completely pumped about this strike. most people are running around, all panicked, bitching and yelping and tearing their hair out. everybody's mad at someone for it, but at all different people. a lot of people seem to be siding with the workers, because they seem like the poor, oppressed underdogs who just can't catch a break. i was hesitant to take sides until i heard that they already make more money than i do and want to retire at 50 with full pay. fuck you, union. no one has a retirement package like that, and for good reason.

but i also can't really support the evil city government, because i generally hate them anyway. so instead, i'm sitting back, gleefully rubbing my hands together and wondering where this will lead.

mostly, though, i am so totally stoked because this just feels like a really exciting thing to happen. the first transit strike in 25 years! shit is getting cancelled, weird rules are swinging into effect, and it generally feels like a snow day, or when you're a kid and the power goes out and you get to play with fire. knowing how fucking unbelievably convenient our location is, some friends have already started asking if they can crash at our place. last night, maggie came over and it was like a pajama party (yes, naked pillow fighting and all). tonight, i imagine, will be an orgy.

speaking of orgies, gawker has found a bunch of craigslist items that point to a phenomenon even i wasn't prepared for: transit strike sex. apparently, it's a thing. which leads me to wonder, will there be a transit-strike baby boom? i can say in complete sincerity, i sure as hell hope so.

and, p.s.

weekend recap to come. stay tuned. remain on the edge of your seat. hold your breath. soon, boys and girls.

q & a

q: you haven't updated your blog in, like, four days. what gives?

a: i don't know, man. i've been busy, doing stuff. and working really hard, all the time.

q: shut the fuck up. we both know you haven't been doing stuff or working. don't insult my intelligence by lying on top of it.

a: yeah, you're right.

q: you're goddamn right i am.

a: wow, i'm such a loser.

q: yeah well, maybe if you updated your damn blog, you wouldn't be such a loser. maybe then you'd have some friends.

a: you really think so?

q: no.

the pit of unbearable stench

last night, i watched labyrinth for the first time in about fifteen years. i highly recommend it if you a) have never seen it or b) like me, haven't seen it in a long time. the really scary parts i remembered from my youth were still terrifying, but the movie as a whole was much more whimsical and good-hearted than i expected. besides, it has all the major components of a classic: david bowie in tights, biting fairy muppets, and jennifer connelly in her prime at age 16. really, what more can you ask for?

uh oh...

in further chocolate research, it turns out that i am also probably love-intolerant:

Chocolate contains small amounts of a chemical called phenylethylamine (PEA), which is a mild mood elevator. It’s the same chemical that our brain produces when we feel happy or "in love."

sooooo.... the chemical that probably gives me headaches when i eat chocolate is also the "love" chemical.

wow. this explains so much.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Chocolate, as well as red wines and certain cheeses, contains phenylethylamine (PEA), a substance that can dilate blood vessels in the brain. People with a sensitivity to PEA might find that eating chocolate triggers headaches, even migraines.

without wine, cheese and chocolate, WHAT DO I HAVE IN THIS WORLD?!

i don't know who this "diana krall" is,

but she looks pretty relaxed for someone who has apparently just dug her way out of a heap of radioactive sludge

a really, really, REALLY really reallyreally upsetting revelation

chocolate gives me headaches.

some of you have asked...

why i haven't been updating today. well, i have no real excuse, except that listening to some jackass blab about the virtues of in-house check production for an hour has left my brain a little fried.

like those anti-drug public service announcements from the late '80's, with the guy and the egg and the "this is your brain on drugs."

did those make anyone else really want to freebase and eat eggs?

*gasp* *wheeze*

Fox still hasn't officially canceled "Arrested Development," but if it does, other networks are interested in the show.

Both ABC and Showtime have had conversations with 20th Century Fox TV and indicated they're open to making a deal for new episodes of the critically beloved, Emmy-winning comedy from creator Mitch Hurwitz.

michael bluth, i knew we'd get through this. hang in there, baby.

gloria steinem fucking rocks my socks

She said that her No. 1 priority at the moment is “getting rid of George Bush, by any means necessary short of violence,” because, obviously, it affects everything else. “We are not in his control,” Ms. Steinem said, “so I say, fuck him. You can write your article, I can write my book. He can’t do anything about it.”

By and large, aging is freeing and empowering, she said. “In a general way, women become more radical as they get older. The pattern is that women are conservative when they’re young. That’s when there’s the most pressure on us to conform, when we’re potential child bearers and sex objects. And we lose power when we get older. Which is a very radicalizing experience.” Men are the opposite, she said—rebels when they’re young, uptight when they’re grown-ups.

awesome! i can't wait to get old!!

p.s. read the article; you'll love her too.

amazon wants to educate me about the dangers of date-rape drugs

wait... it's a book about what? well, never mind then.

a glimpse into my history/pathology

so, as you've probably figured out by now, i don't have the most forceful moral compass around. i don't really give to charity, i support large, evil corporations, and i sometimes kick homeless people. but even i think you should excuse yourself to the boys' room when you want to snort coke while substitute-teaching seventh graders. anyway, when i read this article about Terry John Kappila, 45, substitute teacher and ardent fan of the bolivian marching powder, i naturally sent it on to cowboy willy, ex-boyfriend who is currently working as a (presumably irresponsible) substitute teacher. here is the e-mail exchange that followed:

cw: Come on. I'm not going to do anything but drink in class. And Blue Sunday shots make your breath fresher, not your ability to teach impaired.

me: you're still drinking mouthwash, aren't you...

cw: I have a bottle of it right here. And I discovered something incredible about it just recently - every bottle of mouthwash comes with a shotglass built right into the top!

so there you have it, folks. one of the many reasons i don't date anymore.

in case you were looking for something to celebrate...

this is my 200th post!

also, wife is currently away in boston getting sworn in for her new american citizenship. presumably, she'll celebrate by eating mcdonald's and drinking bud light while watching football and becoming obese.

more of the war on christmas...

i don't usually read wonkette, so this post is a few days old. still, i enjoyed it enough to pass it on to the rest of you. i recommend reading the whole thing (it's not that long; in fact, below is about half of the entire thing), but at the very least, chew on this tasty little morsel:

The truth is, anytime someone starts talking to you about how Christians are persecuted in the United States, you are -- right then and right there -- talking to a retard. There's just no other way of saying it. And the War on Christmas is an idea akin to a bullshit sandwich, once you've deleted all the "sandwich-like" characteristics, anyway. The word "holiday" is derived from "holy day", Linus Van Pelt is always going to deliver his reading of Luke on national television year after year, and WASH-FM is going to be playing their drive-time five-song manger birth blocks every December until the Sun finally dies.

3:00

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
- Jean-Paul Sartre

how do i subscribe?

according to alex beam of the boston globe, david bradley (don't worry, i've never heard of him either) is creating "a vanity fair-like alumni magazine for harvard graduates." however, he notes,

Alumni magazines typically lose plenty of money, and it's hard to see who would want to read this one, apart from the not-inconsiderable universe of narcissistic Harvard graduates.

I do have an idea for a slogan that might broaden 02138's appeal: "The magazine about the people you hated in high school." It's theirs, for free.

sounds pretty frickin' sweet to me. sign me up.

my inner nerd thinks this is really awesome

click the link to read about honda's new asimo. i don't like to admit it, but i can't help thinking it's super-cool.

Japan's third-biggest auto maker, known for its cutting-edge robot technology, introduced Tuesday a second-generation Asimo that can also push a cart weighing up to 10 kg (22 lb), walking straight, sideways or backwards with it.

With more joints and flexibility of movement, Asimo can now also grip and carry a tray of drinks, placing it safely on a table.

Demonstrating its latest tricks through video footage, Honda showed the 130 cm-tall (4.25 feet) Asimo addressing a mock visitor by name and showing her to a conference room, all the while maintaining a steady and natural distance from the guest.

bleep.

i don't know whether this is a compliment or not, but yesterday maggie told me that i'm like a human tivo. which, if nothing else, is pretty cool, i think.

please don't hate me for this

LOS ANGELES (Hollywood Reporter) - An employee of the Comedy Central program "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart" has committed suicide, leading the network to suspend production of Monday night's episode of the program, a spokesman confirmed.

Bill Clarey, 25, took his own life over the weekend, according to the network. A former "Daily Show" intern, Clarey also worked as a receptionist at the program's offices in New York.

so... does that mean they're hiring?

amazon knows about those times when i just want to hide

learn from my mistakes

and don't eat cookies in a cowlneck sweater.

a thought

when we are talking about something we'd like, some people like to toss around the phrase "i would kill..."; for example, "i would kill for an ice cream sandwich right now."

but here's a thought: let's not do that anymore. it's really fucking creepy, if you ever stop to think about it. or, at the very least, let's tone it down, you know. scale it back a bit. how about replacing it with, "i would commit armed and aggravated assault for an ice cream sandwich"? or, better yet, "i would perform a lewd act on a minor for an ice cream sandwich"?

this is one of the stupidest ideas i've heard all day

Looking across the candlelit table in the warm, red room with a painting of nudes drinking wine behind us, I wondered why he came here tonight. What was he looking for?

I won't ever know, because I never said a word to him. I saw him at an "Eye Gazing Party," the newest option for New Yorkers hoping to find that elusive spark without the painful chitchat of numerous bad dates.

It's a lot like speed dating with one catch – no talking is allowed. People split into pairs and look into each others eyes for three minutes; then switch partners and stare again until everyone has gazed into the eyes of about 10 people. Afterwards, there's a party where you can talk to the person who caught your eye.

so, i guess it's time to recap the weekend

...and what a weekend it was!

friday night: wife and i met up with the always radiant anne at murray hill's hottest frat house, joshua tree. it is absolutely the place to go for the best music from the mid-'80's to mid-'90's, complete with accompanying music videos projected onto huge screens all over the place. it filled me with the kind of joy that used to be reserved for adam sandler and jimmy fallon.

from there, we scampered down a few blocks to barna, a peculiar, rather overpriced subterranean hangout whose beaded curtains and dim lighting explained the young ibanker clientele. rumor has it that tim meadows (yes, the ladies man himself) was on his way out as we came in. so close.

saturday, we dragged our asses out of bed around noontime, packed our kitchen into a suitcase, and rolled downtown for our all-day baking bonanza. in preparation for a party that was reportedly going to pull in 40+ guests, we spent the afternoon and early evening churning out dozens (possibly even hundreds) of our famous confectionary delights: gingerbread cookies with white chocolate and cranberries, granola chocolate chip cookies, oatmeal coconut raspberry bars, rocky road brownies, knock-you-nakeds (yes, they're that good), and, the crowning glory, baked brie. of course, there was also mulled wine and egg nog. unfortunately, i burned the festive red-and-white meringues and, even more unfortunately, the guests were slightly fewer and less hungry than expected. in short, we have many, many, MANY leftover cookies, so please, come take them off our hands.

disappointing cookie consumption notwithstanding, the party was a rollicking good time and very effective at disposing of the enormous volume of wine provided by our gracious hosts. that may have had something to do with the fact that the baking staff started cracking open bottles around 2 pm. anyway, we finally made it home around 5, crashed until noon, and didn't leave the apartment all day yesterday. easy like sunday morning... afternoon... and evening. of course, now i am sick. again. goddammit.

it is also worth noting that, on my way to work today, i again witnessed three camels just hangin' out in rockefeller plaza. but these things don't faze me anymore.

a concession

after staunchly defending friendster for years, i think it's time for me to admit that it is, in fact, crawling with pathetic loser weirdos. example #1:

From: Kyle
Date: Monday, December 12, 2005 1:10:00 PM
Subject: hey babe!
Message: hey babe whats going on?
just saw your profile online and wondered if youd like to chat.
check out sdate.us/kyle for a few more pics of me getting freaky;-) friendster doesnt have a webcam option either, so if you wanna check me out when im online, u can do that from the site as well

ttyl,
kyle

sorry, kyle, but but i am actually not interested in "pics of [you] getting freaky;-)".

worth stealing from gawker, from "tequila red"

totally awesome. if only i'd seen this before my office party...

How To Be The Life Of The Office Party
by Tequila Red

1. Dress the part. These people see you 5 days a week in cords and sweaters. A slinky top cut down to your belly button or sequined mini the size of a hanky reminds them that there's more to you than just that boring "professional" persona you project every day. (I got a raise after that holiday party, by the way. Coincidence? Doubtful.)

2. Be the welcome wagon. Make an effort to get to know your colleagues' spouses, particularly if they are attractive. Show that you know something about them by asking specific questions, like "You're still unemployed, right?" and "So, I hear you didn't come home last weekend." HINT: If you're not good with names, call them by a version of their mate's name (e.g. Mr. Lisa or David's Wife). They'll enjoy being included in the office camaraderie and feel like one of the gang.

3. Knock back a few. Forget the rule about about drinking in moderation. Being the drunkest person in the room is a good way to show your boss(es) that, no matter what you're doing, you always give it 100%.

4. Get handsy. Everyone loves a hug during the holidays, so don't be afraid to dish out the love. Sit on your boss's lap. Slap the CFO on the tushie. Bury your receptionist's face in your cleavage. There are many ways to share the healing power of touch at the office party.

5. Say cheese. Insist on being in as many photographs as possible. This increases your chance of having a picture without your eyes closed/mouth open/butt crack showing. And your co-workers will find it utterly hilarious when you yell "HEY NO PICTURES WITHOUT ME!" and run across the room to insert yourself between the CEO and his wife. If disposable cameras are being used, please remember to snap a few mysterious up-the-skirt or down-the-shirt pics.

6. Leave them wanting more. As soon the party starts to drag, gather up the coolest people and blow. Hit another party that the lamers weren't invited to, or perhaps a gay bar. You're dressed up - might as well not waste it on those nerds.

7. If you do stay til the end, don't drink and drive. If you're ready to go and you don't have enough money for a cab, a good thing to do is hitch a ride. Watch for a couple who looks like they're leaving, then follow them to their car and get in. They'll each think the other person offered you a ride, and probably they'll be too polite to discuss it in front of you. Try not to puke in their car.

8. Take Friday off. By the time you get back on Monday, everyone will have forgotten that you mooned the bartender when he cut you off and made out with the hot gay guy who sits across the hall. Make a deal with someone to confiscate the pictures. NOTE: please be courteous enough to post them on the Internet for everyone else to enjoy. Thanks.

With these simple suggestions, you're sure to have an office party worth remembering. Even if you can't remember it.

i'm sick but i'm pretty, baby

alanis morisette sings my inner monologue.

I'm free but I'm focused
I'm green but I'm wise
I'm shy but I'm friendly baby
I'm sad but I'm laughing
I'm brave but I'm chicken shit
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby

so fucking stupid she makes my ears bleed

December 9, 2005 -- FUN-sized pocket rocket Mary-Kate Olsen has opened up to W on why she dropped out of NYU and moved back to Los Angeles. "I'm happy that I kind of realized that, OK, I just need to take care of myself right now," she told the fashion monthly. "I need to be able to go to yoga and work out and just read scripts and go on auditions, because that's what makes me happy. You know? Like, papers don't really make me happy."

my prediction? march, 2011: fun-sized pocket rocket mary-kate olsen od's on heroin. could be cocaine. but i see her more as a shooter.

where to begin?

last night, i suppose.

first of all: i did not cut, burn or maim myself! huzzah!

dinner was, surprisingly, uneventful (in a good way). we managed to cram 13 people, relatively comfortably, into our living room/kitchen and force-feed them our spinach-pesto lasagna. we set the scene with candles, wine so fancy i can't even tell you anything about it, and fresh-baked rosemary ciabatta bread and focaccia, served alongside some seasoned olive oil with roasted garlic. after the lasagna, we served up our homemade butterscotch bars, which are - surprisingly, and delightfully - pretty good for you as well as being scrumptious.

overall, i learned:
- that the guys at the wine shop on the corner are friendly. very friendly. and persistent.
- that there is such a thing as too much sauce.
- that anne is still alive (yay!).
- that rachel has friends (she brought two!)
- several current slang words... god, i'm over the hill (but did you know that "brick" means cold?)

cut to: this morning. ext midtown. snow plopping down in bazillions of huge chunks, like i didn't think it ever did in new york. most people would look at weather like that and opt to take the subway to work. i, on the other hand, am not "most people". i am what i like to think of as special. other people have called it "unique", "psychotic", and "not too bright." anyway, i decided to walk to work. as it turns out, the ribboned ring around my "waterproof" hat is "less than waterproof", and i showed up to work mostly dry under my sopping wet coat, but with a ring of moisture around the top of my head like a sweaty crown. it was hot. of course, twenty minutes after i arrived, the snow stopped altogether. good thing i left when i did, huh?

answer hazy. try again later.

the whole world is abuzz about jennifer 8. lee and her new book on chinese food in america. everyone's talking about her. and yet no one is telling me why her name has a NUMBER IN IT.

for once, i'm speechless.

cannot wait for this movie to come out. if it's one tenth as awesome as it seems like it'll be, it will be well worth the price of admission:

December 8, 2005 -- IN "Speed," Keanu Reeves had to keep driving a booby-trapped bus at 50 mph at least or it would explode. In "Crank," Jason Statham is a hitman who's been shot up with a Chinese poison that will kill him if his adrenaline level drops. Amy Smart (above), who plays his girlfriend, told the Chicago Sun Times: "What Jason must do to keep his adrenaline up is insane. He has to hammer nails into his legs, snort coke and have crazy sex in public."

also, i predict amy smart as the next it-girl.

i'm still not positive...

...but i'm pretty sure these people are not joking. at first i was really amused. but now i'm just sad.

scientific proof of something you already knew

Male animals can produce a lot of sperm or grow big brains but cannot
do both, according to a study that may confirm the suspicions of many
women.

without a doubt, the best thing ever.

probably a bad sign

i've gotten to a point where, if i am able to walk more than a block or two without getting harassed, i wonder if i look ok. am i living in the wrong neighborhood?

...or the right one?

this guy is funnier and more articulate than i am

patsy found the article. it's pretty awesome. but, for those of you (most of you) who don't really "read much", here are my two favorite bits:

I get that I live in a Christian nation. And I'm fine with it. I like you guys. I think it's adorable that you ring giant, white pipe cleaners around streetlights and make everything taste like peppermint and thought the world was going to end when the calendar went to three zeros in a row. It's like living with children.

So please, go nuts with your celebration, with your lying to children about where presents come from and your beverages made from raw eggs and your desperate use of greenery to get women to kiss you.

hahaha... goyim.

willkommen nach deutschland

Call of nature saves man from garbage crusher
Wed Dec 7, 2005 11:43 AM ET

BERLIN (Reuters) - A German man who fell asleep in a rubbish container after a bout of heavy drinking had a lucky escape after he was tipped into the hydraulic press of a garbage truck, police said on Wednesday.

The 47-year-old was only saved from being crushed when the truck's driver stopped to urinate before continuing his round. He quickly switched off the press after he heard swearing coming from the truck's interior.

"The man admitted drinking a lot of booze the previous night and climbing into the container to seek refuge from the rain where he passed out," the police said in a statement. The man, from Fischbachtal in southwestern Germany, suffered only a minor head injury and mild shock.

scheiße! ich kann nicht ihnen erklären, wieviele male, das mir geschehen ist!

(translation, according to google: "shit! i can't tell you how many times that's happened to me!")

it's a battery charger...

...because amazon knows, a woman has needs.

oh, boston, you're my home.

i think it's wonderfully telling about my dear boston that the #1 most e-mailed article on boston.com is "man pleads guilty in horse-sex case". it's times like this that i get nostalgic for the empty beer bottles and used condoms that dot the landscape of the charles river...

also kinda wow

according to this reuters article, pakistan has ordered that a poem called "the leader", in which the first letters of each line spell out the name "president george w. bush" be deleted from a school textbook. AS WELL THEY SHOULD.

worst. idea. ever.

LONDON (Reuters) - Tired of the same old lunch at your office desk? Help is at hand. A British supermarket is launching the ultimate life-enhancing snack -- the musical sandwich.

In a trial certain to be welcomed by the estimated one million Britons who eat their lunch at their desks each day, Britain's biggest retailer Tesco will use technology similar to that used in singing greetings cards to sell musical sandwiches.

Opening the top of the sandwich box will activate a tiny sound module that plays a selection of music. This season's offering will be a medley of Christmas tunes including Jingle Bells, Santa Claus is Coming to Town and We Wish You a Merry Christmas.

ummm... have they ever heard those musical greeting cards? this promises to be the most annoying invention since the furby, and a new source of workplace violence.

she's so outrageous

December 6, 2005 -- CLAIMING that an "intoxicated" and "scantily clad" Anna Nicole Smith disrupted last summer's Live 8 concert in Philadelphia, organizers of the charity fund-raiser have sued the Trimspa diet firm for failing to control its sloppy spokesmodel and not paying a six-figure promotional fee. According to a federal lawsuit filed in U.S. District Court in L.A. and posted on the Smoking Gun Web site, Trimspa agreed to pay Live 8 Productions $320,000 for commercials during the ABC broadcast of the July 2 show and for Smith to be "integrated" into the program. Live 8, which wants more than $500,000 in damages, contends that Trimspa not only stiffed the group on the promotional fee, but "to add insult to injury, when Ms. Smith showed up to the Philadelphia concert to be integrated into the ABC broadcast . . . she was intoxicated and scantily clad in revealing attire that was totally inappropriate for a broadcast that would be seen by millions of people." While Smith did eventually appear on the show, the group alleged she "damaged Live 8's reputation and goodwill in the entertainment industry by her unbecoming and erratic behavior."

to which i say, um... what in tarnation did you expect?

i'm... skeptical.

Sexsomnia..
Fri Dec 2, 2005 10:55 AM ET

TORONTO (Reuters) - The Canadian province of Ontario plans to review a court decision that acquitted a man of sexual assault charges because he suffers from "sexsomnia" and was asleep at the time of the incident.

The Office of the Attorney General, which oversees the province's prosecutions, said on Thursday it needs to research its options for an appeal because of the strange circumstances of the case.

"This matter will be carefully considered to determine our next steps," said Brendan Crawley, a spokesman for the Attorney General.

Jan Luedecke, 33, was acquitted of sexual assault charges on Tuesday because he said he was asleep during the attack.

A sleep expert testified that Luedecke suffers from a disorder that causes sexsomnia -- involuntary sexual behavior during sleep -- which he had experienced before.

The court heard that Luedecke and the female victim met at a party. She testified she fell asleep and woke up to find Luedecke having sex with her. She pushed him away and called the police.

Luedecke confessed to police after he discovered was still wearing a condom and realized he had had sex.

Canadian media reported that the victim left the courtroom in tears when the verdict was read, and said she would take the case to the highest court possible.

The Crown has 30 days to present its appeal.

edgar bergen articulates my credo

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
- Edgar Bergen

I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP

i just saw -- seriously, i am NOT making this up -- BILL O'REILLY. yes, the horse's ass himself. walking through the alley by MoMA. i was walking the other way, on my way back from lunch. he was talking to some guy who was walking with him. no one else seemed to care, but i was so stunned i stopped in my tracks and turned around to stare. i wonder if i would have noticed had it not been for the time i spent just this morning google image searching the man (did you get the butthead joke? good). wow.

putting the "church" back in "church and state"

isn't it weird that the start of the "official" christmas season is marked by thanksgiving? i mean, thanksgiving is when we (supposedly) celebrate the pilgrims and that they laid the foundation for the united states. you know, the people who were fleeing religious persecution when they came here, who wanted a place where people could have the freedom to practice whatever religion they chose, where church and state could be completely separate entities, where religion would be an entirely private issue.

those wacky pilgrims.

i mean, what the hell did they know? they didn't even have tivo back then. and i heard that they shat in a hole in the ground. gross.

so now, according to rumors i'm hearing around the water cooler, the evil corporate giants are trying to take christmas out of the public life. just check out the horrifying news that the super-awesome, not-at-all-terrifying, completely-normal American Family Association discovered: the diabolical powers over at target refuse to build their seasonal marketing campaign around christmas. see how evil they are:

Target doesn't want to offend a small minority who oppose Christmas. But they don't mind offending Christians who celebrate the birth of Christ, the Reason for the season.

ohhhhhhhhhhhhh... so jesus is the Reason for the Season. my evil, secular middle school science teacher tried to convince me that the season happens because the earth rotates on an axis that is slightly tilted. now i know better.

i've always said target was up to no good. i mean, just look at the awful propaganda they have on their own site:

From national partnerships to local initiatives to our own programs, Target is committed to making our communities better places to live. And so we support the arts by sponsoring free attendance days, encourage our team members to volunteer and donate generously to charities, and have created initiatives that make a profound impact, including Take Charge of Education®, which has raised more than $150 million for schools since 1997. Or Start Something®, our partnership with the Tiger Woods Foundation that helps kids build character as they identify and achieve their dreams. From the beginning, Target Corporation has given 5% of pretax profits to good causes; today we’re giving back over $2 million a week to education, the arts and social services.

yeah, target, that's great, but if you don't accept christ into your lives and stores, you know you're going to hell.

the best part of this whole campaign is bill o'reilly's incoherent babble:

As I said in my newspaper column this week: Three wise men, one showed up to honor the Baby Jesus way back when. And if corporate executives are not wise enough to emulate that, well, those of us who respect Christmas might look elsewhere.

sheesh, can you believe those corporate assholes who don't think of themselves as modern agents of the three wise men? you tell 'em, bill. and keep an eye on your loofah.

last but not least, you should really read this op-ed in the times about why all these scary evangelists are retarded.

i thought i dreamed this,

but it's actually true. this place in northern california, they bathe you in wine. now i don't have to be so upset that i'm surely going to hell when i die, because this is what i assumed heaven was like, and apparently, i can have it, for only $400-700 a night!

another interesting night in the world of adulthood

...so to speak. so, i guess i should start with a question: does this guy look engaged to you?

no? he didn't to me neither. nor did he say he was engaged. nor did he imply that he was engaged, when he was relentlessly hitting on me and my friend amy (shout out: amy!), buying me drinks, and (yes, it's true) kissing me. as it turns out, however, he is in fact engaged. and not to that woman (catherine zeta-jones or me? who can tell?).

here's the thing i don't get. i always felt that the engagement would be the one phase of a relationship in which men are least likely to cheat, no? i mean, you shouldn't propose marriage if you don't want to be faithful, and you aren't married yet so you don't have that whole "stale relationship" excuse. i mean, seriously, kids. what the deal?

(side note: if you know this man, explain to him why his behavior is unacceptable. and suggest to his fiancee that she leave him. i think his name was steve.)

am i hot or not?

i thought this quiz was going to be fun, and it was, right up until i couldn't figure out how to interpret my score. so, i guess the only solution is to make my own scale, and compare myself to you bastards. i got 220 hot points. what about you?

i'd like to make fun of this, but it's so damn cool.

An end to hard butter misery?
Wed Nov 30, 2005 1:21 PM ET

LONDON (Reuters) - Ever get frustrated with fresh-out-of the-fridge butter that is too hard to spread?

A UK-based company has launched a portable, temperature-controlled butter dish, ButterWizard, which keeps butter at what it says is the optimal spreadable temperature of 65 degrees Fahrenheit.

It has a built-in fan and a chip which together control the temperature, adjustable for different textures, be it super-soft bread, crusty toast or delicate biscuits. "We were trying to find out what people's frustration with butter was. It's either too hard or too soft," said David Alfille, managing director of East Sussex-based company Alfille Innovations Limited.

"ButterWizard heats or cools the butter and you can adjust the temperature to suit yourself."

Nutritionist Fiona Hunter said: "There are over 16 million UK households buying butter on a regular basis, but one complaint I hear time after time is the lack of spreadability of real butter."

"Butter has been part of diet for thousands of years. The important thing is to spread butter thinly," she added.

for those of you who want to know what "irony" is...

KEY WEST, Florida (Reuters) - Storm-weary residents on the Florida island of Key West celebrated the end of the busiest Atlantic hurricane season on record on Wednesday by ceremonially burning red and black hurricane warning flags.

Stiff breezes thwarted repeated efforts to set the flags ablaze with a blowtorch until an emergency management official doused the flags with rum.

no comment necessary, i think.

a dog whistle for mini-thugs?

Rowdy teens beware: the Mosquito is coming
Thu Dec 1, 2005 11:11 AM ET

LONDON (Reuters) - A Welsh inventor claims to have found the perfect solution to rowdy youngsters -- noise.

Howard Stapleton says his device, the "Mosquito," emits an uncomfortable high-pitched ultrasonic sound that can be heard by children and teenagers but almost no one over 30.

It has successfully driven away noisy teens from a grocery store in the Welsh town of Barry and a shop in Stapleton's home town Merthyr Tydfil, making smoking, lounging and foul-mouthed youths a thing of the past.

The ability to hear high frequencies deteriorates with age, but some adults might still be able to hear the Mosquito. No one except young troublemakers appears annoyed, however.

"All I'm getting is pats on the back," Stapleton told Reuters. "No bricks thrown at me yet."

He said teenagers he had talked to welcomed the device too, because they used to be intimidated by gangs hanging around the shops.

The Mosquito has turned Stapleton into a media star, with appearances on British TV and radio and interest from as far afield as Australia, the United States and Canada.

is it a wonkavator?

with the faster-than-a-speeding-bullet advances in technology, you'd think we could have gotten the elevator down by now. but no. i am all too frequently appalled at how bad elevators can be. i needed to go up one floor, from 15 to 16, in my office building. i ended up going up to 18, then down to the lobby, then stopping on 14, before i could get where i was going. did i push the button wrong? no. i'm pretty sure there's only one way to push the elevator button. it even lit up. i think i'm having a mechanical meltdown, either of the elevator or my brain.

femily strikes again

read it. she's like a little strawberry-peach pie, with a tiny porcupine hidden in the middle. you'll love her as much as i do.

amazon is really on a roll today

that's fabulous, amazon, but what the hell is it?

and i am also grateful for...

an alarm clock that works... most of the time

a roommate who knows exactly when to wake me up after oversleeping for two hours

an apartment that is so conveniently located that i still make it to work for my 8:45 start time, despite waking up at 8.

so, yeah, i kind of overslept this morning. so, i'm not wearing any makeup. but, in good news, we finally got some groceries, and i managed to pack a lunch! no more $10 prepackaged sushi for me! also, i am wearing an entirely new outfit that i got supercheap at h&m yesterday, before battling the COMPLETELY INSANE crowds caused by the lighting of the tree in rockefeller center and actually walking the 50+ blocks down to harry's. which was delicious and delightful. of course.

really, there's nothing like a quesadilla and 3 margaritas to take the edge off of a brisk 3-mile walk in uncomfortable shoes.